How to Be Cool

Co-authored by Kevin Wang

Last Updated: February 20, 2023 References Approved

Have you always wanted to be the cool guy, who always seems to do the right thing and flows through life with ease and grace? Or are you learning to be the chill person, who never seems stressed or nervous and has an air of confidence? If you think about all the people who you think of as cool and collected, you'll find that they have several characteristics in common: they're all confident, unique, and generally on friendly terms with everyone; there's no reason you can't be like that yourself. There is really no true universal definition of how to be cool, but here are some guidelines to get you started.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Being Cool

1
Don't be needy. Remember, people who are cool are not needy or desperate. Instead, try to solve problems yourself whenever you can. If you are not needy, people will want to help you or will ask for your help. This quality attracts people. Neediness is a big turn off unless you're really in a tight spot.^{[1]
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Research source} This doesn't mean you should act invincible; just don't beg people for help, act like you can't be alone, or expect others to fix your problems.
- Friendships are great but don't act like you'll pass if you have to spend a Friday night alone. Getting some alone time is great, too. Keeping yourself hidden can also allow you to focus on yourself and not what others think, which is a key factor to being calm.^{[2]
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- If someone hasn't called you back, lay off. There's no need to follow up with annoying text messages. Give people their space and they'll respect you a lot more.
2
Be yourself. It will be something that other people will look up to. You are unique, and you don't need to join a clique. Make your own friendships. Being cool is being yourself in an outgoing way, even if you are quiet. Just remember not to come off as sullen and passive-aggressive. Be true to yourself! Don't always try to be like anyone else by copying someone else's actions or style. Although trying out those acts is fine, if you do that on a regular basis, it's going to come out as fake. No good comes out of being someone you are not. Live life for who you are. Don't lose sight of yourself or your morals. Being cool isn't about changing who you are, it's about being confident enough to let people see how awesome you really are. Remember, an original is always worth more than a copy. Be true to who you are and don't devalue yourself.^{[3]
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- If you don't let people see the real you, then what's the point? Being able to be yourself and to have people appreciate you is the coolest thing of all.
- Own your personality. Your bad habits, your good things, your looks, your voice; anything which belongs to you. Own it and don't apologize for what you belong to you to anyone even if it is bad or you don't like it about yourself. Remember we are all humans and we try accept each other despite all the flaws and qualities we have, why not accept yourself as you are the most important person to you in the world. However, don't be overconfident, or you will come off as braggy and self-centered.^{[4]
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- Write a list of all the goals you are aiming for. What essentially makes you cool is your identity. Try to find your talent - sports, music, art, whatever. People will notice your passion and respect you for it. You can also learn new skills and meet new people by trying new things.
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3
Practice self-disclosure. The more you disclose yourself the better you understand yourself. Self-disclosure is both the conscious and subconscious act of revealing more about oneself to others. This may include, but is not limited to: thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, dreams as well as one's likes, dislikes and favorites.^{[5]
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- Self-disclosure happens slowly. Don't tell the first person you meet at a party all about your personal life or things will quickly go south.
- "Hiding information about yourself makes you look super cool." - Sasuke Uchiha
4
Be friendly, but not excessively eager. Everyone loves someone who is outgoing, but nobody likes someone who is overly excited. Many people find someone who is overeager to be annoying. Try not to force yourself on people. Smile and strike up a conversation, but make sure you know the line between friendly and obsessive. When you meet a new person, take it easy, even if you think you're friend soul mates.
- If you're too eager to hang out with a new person, then it might look like you don't have any other friends.
- If you act sociable and confident no matter who you talk to at the party, then you'll definitely stand out and look like you're one of the most popular people there.
- You can always give someone a simple but sincere compliment so you immediately leave a positive first impression. For example, tell them you love their outfit.
5
Be a good conversationalist. Everyone loves someone who knows what to say at the right moment. Don't dominate the conversation. You don't need to share a similar story at every setting. Just listen and comment briefly on the other person's story. Most of the time, it is much better to be sort of quiet and analyze the conversation, enjoying the humor of your friends and being a good listener.
- Be a good listener. Try to make the other person feel important, but only if you can genuinely. False enthusiasm will just appear sarcastic. When you listen to people, it not only makes them feel good about themselves but also about you. If you're stuck, remember the golden rule.^{[6]
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- Most people want to talk about themselves. If you keep the conversation concentrated on others, then people will love to talk to you.
- Wait for the right moment to make a comment. If you come up into the middle of a quiet group of people, it is better to take a Tony Stark approach.
- Be playful! Joke around with other people. Making fun of people is fine as long as you know your limits. Different people have different tolerance levels, so be sure that the people you around know you're kidding.
6
Refrain from using too many colloquialisms. This may make you appear as "fake" or unable to grasp your respected language. Speak normally, clearly, and confidently. If you feel it is necessary to adopt a more formal register and use polysyllabic words, do so, but do not go overboard or you will appear pretentious. Finding the right balance in your speech is important to making you seem intelligent and somewhat sophisticated in the presence of your peers.
7
Use humor. Cool people know how to use humor to ease any situation. They don't get annoyed and angry, and no matter how many bad things happen to them, they can still joke about it. They are aware of others' emotions but don't let bad emotions affect them.
- However, it is equally important not to hold back any strong emotions. You should let go of petty things in life, but if you are going through a hard time, don't be afraid to seek the help you need.^{[7]
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- Learn how to laugh at yourself. Being cool doesn't mean being perfect, and being able to find humor in your moments of clumsiness and discomfort is the defining hallmark of being cool. People will not only respect you for it, but they'll like you for being human, just like them.
- You can be cool and you can be too cool. People who are too cool take themselves too seriously to laugh at a goofy, obviously silly but funny joke. Don't be that person.
8
Speak up. Observe people who are "cool"; they usually speak confidently and clearly, at a good pace. They don't chatter rapidly, pause, say uh, um..., or mumble. They say what they mean, and mean what they say. Be confident in your word and don't let anyone try to change it. If you state your opinion and people disagree, don't worry.
- Say what you really feel and share your unique perspectives. As long as you're polite and genuine, people will respect that you take the initiative to say what's on your mind and that you keep the conversation going.
9
Keep your "cool". The very definition of cool is being calm, composed, under control, not excited, indifferent, and socially adept. Many times, cool people are those that don't get excited about things, that don't always have to talk, unless they have something cool to say. Learn how to deal with people. Don't get angry or frustrated. Being cool is natural. It's easy to do. Be confident.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- Oftentimes, the people who strive the hardest for coolness are sabotaging themselves by trying too hard. People like people who don't try but are still successful. How does that work? One of the secrets of being cool is that, when one is just between trying and not trying at all, things just fall into place.
- Take a deep breath. Being cool is all about being relaxed and comfortable in any circumstance. Don't lose your cool. If you feel yourself about to lose your temper, or burst into tears, or lose control in any way, take a deep breath and excuse yourself. Stay calm.
10
Don't use bad behavior to get attention. There are many people who take up smoking, drinking, bullying, and other bad habits. Most often, this comes from negative reinforcement. After doing something bad, a person may be "rewarded" with attention. "I can't believe he did that!", people will say. It is easy to misinterpret attention as popularity, even if it's for doing something wrong. If you want to be cool, you need to know your limits.
- You should never substitute negative attention for really being cool. Most of the time, the people who have bragging competitions about law-breaking and bonging beer do not fit into the category of cool. If a group of people doesn't like you for who you are and the lifestyle you've chosen, move on.
- Don't do drugs. Real cool people know how to be cool without the influence of drugs and alcohol.
- Don't smoke. It won't make you cool—it will make you smell bad. Other smokers won't notice the bad smell because they smell the same way. When you smoke you will most likely hang out with other smokers, and this limits your selection of boyfriends and girlfriends because most non-smokers hate the smell of smoke and won't want to be around you. Don't judge smokers- just don't take up a habit you will eventually pay someone to help you quit.
- Avoid arguing. When you're cool, you realize winning an argument is pointless. When you know you're right you just know it. You don't need to waste time, effort, and energy by attempting to persuade someone who hasn't seen the things you have seen.
11
Don’t just think about it — do it. It’s all very well to read books and blogs about self-improvement, but you have to actually get out there and apply the theories that resonate with you. Do it! It’s scary but so, so invigorating. Who knows that who you’ll meet and what they might be able to offer you? (Fun, intellectual stimulation, a pony ride, a job, etc.)
- Be a person of action, not a person of ideas.
- Of course, thinking things through before jumping the gun is a great trait. But thinking things through and then not doing anything won't get you anywhere.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Thinking Cool

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Remember that people are your equals. Even a group of people is equal to you. If you're talking to a potential employer, a group of wealthy donors, a child, a stranger, the president of the United States, or an attractive person, for example, remember they are neither better than you nor worse than you are. They should be treated as you should be treated. Be respectful of other people, but expect that they will accept you as such.
- When someone is disrespectful to you, ignore them until they figure it out. Not as if you didn't hear your antagonist, but casually and conversationally disregard their remarks. There is a reason that they didn't show respect towards you or the person didn't do what you asked of them.
- People may be rude to you because they are unhappy, someone hurt them recently, you were disrespectful towards them, or because they were never taught the correct way to act around people. But always know it is for a reason, be willing to find out what the reason is as long as you want them to respect you.
2
Understand that some people won’t get it. While it feels amazing to dazzle people with your quick wit, sometimes you will meet someone who just doesn’t get you. They’ll look at you quizzically and ask you to clarify what you thought was a cuttingly observant pop-culture reference. It doesn’t matter. What’s fascinating about humans is that they are so diverse.
- Senses of humor vary wildly. If you’re getting blank looks, just be polite, excuse yourself, and chronicle any embarrassments later in a stand-up comedy routine.
3
Have faith in your friends. There’s a reason they hang around you. The personality traits you despise in yourself may be the very quirks they find endearing. Let them decide instead of presenting an incomplete version of yourself to the world. If you want to be cool, then you have to believe that the people around you genuinely like you and find your relationship meaningful.
- Remember that it's not cool to hang out with people who you think are cool just because you think it'll make you cool by proxy. Life doesn't work that way.
4
Don't be afraid to be different. Whether that means standing up for yourself, defending someone else, or taking interest in something that no one else does, like playing an instrument, try to be different and stand out. The coolest people are the ones who occasionally break against the tide and make people question the status quo. Insecure people will, at times, become jealous of you. These people will try to get to you, in an attempt to take the attention off of you and bestow it upon themselves.
- The important thing to remember is not to smile in weakness; just ignore them. Not as if you didn't hear your antagonist, but casually and conversationally disregard their remarks.
5
Be self-aware. There's a difference between letting people's judgments affect your self-esteem, and being aware of how you come off to others. What you are really doing is being aware of how you look from another person's perspective. In terms of physical appearance: beware of food getting stuck in your teeth, bad breath, body odor, toilet paper stuck to your shoe, etc. In terms of composure; be smiley, stand/sit up straight (it makes you look and feel more confident), smile generously, be polite and considerate, etc.^{[9]
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- Definitely be aware of your body language at all times; a lot of people analyze your body language and get a sense of who you are. For example, if you stand at the center of the room and hold your head up high, everyone will definitely see you as confident.
- Knowing how you come off during school, during a soccer match, or at a party can help you have a sense of what people think of you, and to adjust your actions accordingly. It doesn't mean that you have to change for you are, but if you're at a party, it's good to notice if you're completely dominating a conversation and even boring people so you can back off a bit.
6
Relax. Seriously. Constantly telling yourself that you're not good at socializing creates anxieties that play on your mind the next time you converse with someone. You then focus on said anxieties, and the whole thing becomes one big cycle of self-fulfillment. If you're always nervous about what can go wrong in a social situation, you won't be able to appreciate things that are going right.^{[10]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
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- If you're nervous or anxious, other people will be able to tell, and they will feed off of your nervous energy, creating even more anxiety. Instead, be calm and make people feel like they are calmer in your presence and they will be drawn to you.
- It's okay to freak out to a trusted friend if you need to once in a while. Just don't get a reputation for being a person who is always freaking out.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Looking Cool

1
Present yourself in a positive way. Walk with good posture and look people in the eye. If you slump or stare at your feet, people won't respect you. You have to look and feel confident in order to receive the respect you need. Don't walk too fast either because it looks like you are running away.
- Smile. Be a habitual, unrepentant over-smiler, with every grin being a genuine one. If you smile when you meet someone, you instantly appear confident, friendly, and relaxed. Confident, friendly, relaxed people are much more appealing than their uptight compadres.
2
Be fit! Being fit will raise your self-esteem and will make you look at the world in a more positive light. This doesn't mean that you need a six-pack to be cool, but it does mean that taking care of your body is definitely cool. Try to exercise regularly, go to the gym, or play a sport and keep in good shape. Eat healthy too. Having the energy to be involved in many things is something that not everyone is born with, so try to work out. You will see results if you work hard.^{[11]
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- Know that you will never be able to please everyone. Try hard, but don't be so concerned with judging yourself or being judged by others. People have millions of ways to get under your skin. Learn to spot them and become immune. Be happy with yourself and do what you enjoy.
3
Practice good hygiene. Be sure to brush your teeth every morning and every night. And whenever you can, even after lunch. Wear perfume or spray on a bit, just a bit of cologne. Shower every day and wear deodorant. Also, use lotion so that your skin is not ashy, and put on some lip balm if your lips are dry. You should wash your face every morning to keep fresh and pimple free.^{[12]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
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- You don't have to spend hours on your looks each day to be cool. But hey, 20–30 minutes spent showering and grooming won't kill you.
4
Project confident body language. If you want to look cool, then your body has to project confidence at all times. If you're talking to someone, make eye contact, use your hands to gesture, and sit or stand with good posture. Smile, even if you're feeling a little nervous, and don't fidget with your hands or look at the floor when you're talking to someone, or you won't look like you believe what you say.
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Find your own style. As long as your personality shines through, you can wear whatever you like. Some people have been known to get girlfriends even though they wear sweats all the time. Some of the dorkiest, "uncool" people are known to get girlfriends because everyone has a different perception of cool. That is definitely an affirmation of coolness.
- You don't have to follow trends to be cool; you just have to be able to look comfortable and happy in whatever you are wearing.

Warnings

Don't base your coolness on making others seem uncool. You'll make more enemies than friends that way. People aren't going to worship someone who bosses or beats them around all the time. They'll be scared maybe, but they won't respect you.

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Some people are not the people that would be a good influence on you. You can "be cool" without being a part of the most popular group.

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Always stick up for people, and don't bully others, because to be cool means to be liked by everyone, including those who are not as socially high-ranking as yourself.

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