How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship

Put the passion back into your relationship so you can get back to the way things were

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Last Updated: December 2, 2022 References

The initial passion and spark of an early relationship can sometimes dampen over time. There are things you can do to get that spark back if things are diminishing. Work on yourself, spend time with your partner, and revisit earlier times in your relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Working On Yourself

1
Consider how you're prioritizing the relationship. When a relationship has been going on for a while, sometimes you begin to take your partner for granted. Examine how you prioritize the relationship. Are you paying enough attention to your partner?
- Do you set aside regular alone time with your partner? Career, job, and children often lessen the time you have for a relationship. If you've become busy recently, have you remembered to spend time with your partner one-on-one?^{[1]
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- How often do you communicate with your partner? Oftentimes, we forgot to ask someone about their day or how they're feeling when we're very busy. Make sure you're making an effort to reach out to your partner on a regular basis.^{[2]
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2
Accept what you can't change. The fact is, people have bad habits. When you're with someone for a long time, a mild flaw can start to grate on you. Try to work on accepting those things about your partner that you can't change.
- Many believe they can't be happy in a relationship until they work on improving or perfecting their partner's bad qualities. However, this is not the case and can actually be damaging to a relationship longterm. Do you constantly remind your partner to, say, take out the recycling to no avail? If repeatedly talking and nagging does nothing to correct a minor bad behavior, you might have to learn to accept it.^{[3]
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- Keep perspective. Some days, your partner's constant lateness or sloppiness can seem unbearable, but try to remind yourself this is a mild matter in the grand scheme of things. When you're frustrated, think to yourself, "Yes, my boyfriend/girlfriend is always running behind schedule, but he/she also always remembers to ask me about my dad, listens to my problems when I'm upset, and laughs at my jokes. That's what's really important."^{[4]
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3
Make yourself feel attractive. Insecurity on your own part can lessen the spark of a relationship. If you're feeling bad about yourself physically, you may be pulling away from your partner without realizing it. Try to work on feeling attractive.
- Changing your style can help you feel attractive. Consider a new wardrobe, hairstyle, or make up. Going shopping and talking to a department store stylist can help.^{[5]
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- Exercise and eat right. Even if you do not want to lose weight, people tend to feel more attractive when they feel healthy.^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Revitalizing Romance

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Communicate with your partner about wants and needs. If you feel you're in a relationship rut, chances are your partner feels the same. Sit down and have a talk with your partner about what you want and need from the relationship.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Schedule a specific time for the talk and go in prepared to listen. If you want the spark in your romance back, you have to be willing to change. Rarely is a relationship rut completely one-sided. Remain calm and listen carefully to your partner's needs and wants.^{[8]
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- Talk about the times where you feel your partner loves and cares about you. Do you feel loved when your partner brings you flowers? Asks about your day? Holds your hand during movies? Let your partner know.^{[9]
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- Talk about anything you would want to do more often. Would you like to spend more nights of the week together? Go out on more dates? Try new things together?^{[10]
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- Are there any things you used to do together that you no longer do? Early in a relationship, you may feel compelled to engage in grand romantic gestures. Sending emotional texts, bringing your partner flowers, and staying up late talking are activities that we sometimes do less of the longer we've been with someone. If you're missing these types of gestures, talk to your partner about trying to engage in them more often.^{[11]
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2
Make small gestures of appreciation. Small gestures can go a long way. If you feel the spark in your relationship is lessening, consider doing some of the following:
- Surprise outings, like dinner dates, concert trips, and going to museums
- Tell your partner one thing you like about him or her every day. For example, "I love how you yawn in the morning" or "I love how the coffee's always ready because you remember to set up the pot before bed."^{[12]
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- If your partner is busy at work, do something to make things easier when they get home. Do the dishes or laundry. Take out the trash. Cook them dinner.^{[13]
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3
Flirt. Flirting is a fun way to feel sexy. Oftentimes, we flirt at the beginning of a relationship to convey interest. Once mutual interest is established, flirting tends to taper off. Try to occasionally flirt with your partner via body language and verbal communication. Flirting can revitalize a relationship and increase feelings of attractiveness in both parties.^{[14]
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Have fun together. Oftentimes, we forget that fun is a vital component to a romantic relationship. Try to make time for fun, romantic activities together.
- Plan date nights. Oftentimes, the longer you're with someone the less you date. Try to find fun new things to do together on dates. Take a pottery class. Go dancing. Take a day hike. Visit a neighboring town.^{[15]
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- You can also reach out to others. Make plans with other couple friends. Join a club together where you can meet new people. Exploring a social life together is a great way to have fun in a relationship.^{[16]
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- Have fun at home as well. Break out board games for nights in. Find a funny television show to watch. Do Mad Libs.^{[17]
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Explore new sexual activities. Your sex life is an important factor in your romantic relationship. If things are beginning to feel stale, find ways to reignite your sexual passion. You can try some of the following:^{[18]
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- Exploring new sexual positions.
- Watching pornography together.
- Role playing.
- Talking about sexual fantasies.
- Using sex toys.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Reflecting on the Past

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Reminisce on how you met. You can bring the spark back to your romance by going back to the beginning. In order to appreciate your partner, remember the very beginning of your relationship. This is usually when passion is at its highest.
- Talk about how you met. Your personal love story can stir feelings of sentimentality and romance. Discuss how you first met, your initial impressions of one another, and share memories of your first date.^{[19]
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- The conversation can be fairly easy to start. Simply say, "Remember the first night we met?" and go from there. Talk about what first attracted you to your partner, what your fondest memory of your early romance was, and what made you think the relationship was special.^{[20]
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Revisit the good times. You can also revisit past happy times in your life. Together, the two of you can relive good times to get the passion back.
- Listen to music that reminds you of the early stages of the romance.
- Did you two ever end up reading the same book? If so, read passages out loud to one another.
- Look at old photos and videos.
- Watch movies you watched when you first started dating.^{[21]
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3
Plan nostalgic dates. Go to a restaurant you went to when you first started dating. Plan a movie marathon based on films or TV shows you watched during the early stages of your relationship. Find ways to plan date nights to remind you and your partner of your initial romantic attraction.^{[22]
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