How to Revive a Friendship

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: November 28, 2022 References

Reviving a friendship is totally possible, so don't give up on your friend. It's normal for friendships to change over time, but sometimes change is a good thing. Your friendship might even come back stronger than it was before! Reach out to your friend so you can start reconnecting.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Sparking Communication

1
Send your friend a message or text to break the ice. Don’t wait for your friend to reach out. Write out a short message to start a conversation. Ask your friend a question or send a funny meme. If it's been a while, tell your friend you miss them and want your friendship to be like it was before.^{[1]
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- Try something like, "Hey! How have you been lately?" or "I saw on Insta that you went to that new coffee shop. How was it?"
- If it's been a really long time, try something like, “Hey! I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I really miss all the good times we had. I really wish we could be that close again.”
- If you had a fight with your friend, send a longer message via email. It’ll give your friend time to think about what you have to say and decide if they want to write back.
2
Keep the conversation going if they respond. Add on to what your friend says, and ask follow-up questions. Talk about what's going on in your lives, how you're feeling lately, and what you're working toward in the future.^{[2]
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- For instance, let's say you asked your friend what they've been up to lately. They might reply with, "I've been filling out applications and finishing up my summer reading. Hbu?" You could reply, "I've been running a lot. Did you read any good books this summer?"
- If you had a fight, ask your friend to meet up in person to talk, if possible. If not, chat over the phone or in a video call.^{[3]
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  Research source} You could text, “Do you want to chat tomorrow at the park?” or “Can we do a video chat?”
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3
Apologize if you and your friend had a falling out. Clear the air when you start talking again so you can start your friendship fresh. Talk to your friend about what went wrong. Then, tell your friend that you know you did something wrong and explain that you’re sorry. Promise to do your best not to hurt them again.^{[4]
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- You might say, “I know I hurt your feelings. I’m really sorry, and I promise to be a better friend.”
- If you don't know what you did wrong, ask about it at the beginning of your talk. You could say, "I feel really bad about hurting your feelings, but I'm not sure what exactly I did wrong. Please tell me so I can fix things."
4
Give your friend time to respond to you. Waiting for a response can be agonizing, but there’s nothing you can do to make your friend reach out. Be patient as your friend decides how to respond. By giving them their space, you’re showing them you really care about how they feel.^{[5]
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- Hopefully, your friend will respond right away. Just in case they don't, plan some fun distractions for yourself while you wait. You might hang out with another friend, play a game, take your dog for a walk, or read a book.
- If you've drifted apart, it's possible your friend's life has just changed a lot. They might be busy with responsibilities that they have to prioritize, like school work, a job, or household chores. Try not to take their silence personally because it might not be about you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Reconnecting as Friends

1
Treat the friendship like it's brand new at first. If it's been a while, you might notice your friendship feels awkward at first, and that’s okay. Pretend like you’re just getting to know each other. Don’t try to pick up exactly where you left off. Give your friendship time to grow, and it might come back stronger than ever.^{[6]
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- For instance, you might miss watching movies with your friend every Friday night or swapping memes all day on social media. Hopefully, you’ll be able to do that again soon, but it might take time to get to that point. When you first start reconnecting, stick to activities you’d do with a new friend, like playing a game or getting coffee together.
- You’ll probably reconnect a lot faster if it hasn’t been very long since your friendship faded. However, try to take things slow at first so you and your friend don’t feel overwhelmed.
2
Spend some time catching up to find out what’s new. Enjoy reconnecting with your friend by swapping stories and talking about your lives. Ask your friend about what they’ve been doing recently and about any new interests they might have. Show excitement over what they have going on in their life.^{[7]
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- You might ask questions like, “Have you done anything exciting since we last spoke?” “What’s going on in your life these days?” or “Are you still drawing your comic books?”
3
Send your friend old pics and memories to remind them of good times. Choose photos of fun times you had together or silly photos you took for fun. Keep your texts short and playful so they give your friend a warm, fuzzy feeling. Just send one photo or anecdote at a time so your friend doesn’t feel bombarded.^{[8]
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- For instance, you might send your friend a photo of you together at a sports event, of you two hanging out at your house, or of you two engaging in a shared interest.
- You might text a memory by saying, “Remember when we dropped water balloons off the stairs? That was a total mess!” or “Remember when we sang karaoke last year? I still think we were the best duet that night!”
4
Accept your friend’s decision if they don’t want to be friends again. It’s super painful to lose a friend, so you may be feeling really sad. Give yourself time to grieve the loss, but don’t pressure your friend to revive your friendship if they aren’t ready. Instead, focus on your other friends and meeting new people.^{[9]
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- Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling so you can get support. You could say, “I lost a good friend today, and I’m really sad about it. We had a lot of fun together, and I can’t believe our friendship is over.”
- Take extra special care of yourself! Losing a friend hurts a lot, so reach out to other friends or family members who can support you.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being There for Your Friend

1
Make plans with your friend so you don’t lose touch again. Act now instead of saying you’ll make plans later.^{[10]
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Research source} Make a list of activities you and your friend both like to do. Include activities you both used to do together and new things you can try together to make fresh memories. Then, start scheduling your hangouts.^{[11]
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- For example, you might make plans to get coffee, watch a movie, walk around the park, play mini golf, try a new restaurant, make a craft, attend a book club, take a class, go to a paint and sip, or play board games.
- It’s not enough to just say, “Let’s hang out soon.” Plan your hangout right now so you don’t forget.
2
Do a video chat if you can’t hang out in person. You don’t need to see each other in-person to have a fun time together. Download a video chat platform if you don’t have one. Then, schedule a call with your friend.^{[12]
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- Facetime, WhatsApp, Skype, Zoom, and Microsoft Teams are all great platforms for video calling.^{[13]
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- Keep it simple by having a drink or dessert together over video chat.
- If you want to do an activity, watch a movie, play a video game, or draw together over video chat. Alternatively, get moving by going on a scavenger hunt over video chat.
3
Celebrate your friend’s important events and achievements. Show your friend you really care about them by keeping up with their life. Remember their birthday and wish them happy holidays. Additionally, check in with them to see how things are going so you can cheer them on toward their goals.^{[14]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- Text them things like, “How was school today?” “How’d your presentation go?” or “When’s your next game?”
- If you normally exchange presents on special occasions, take time to pick out or make something special for them so they can tell you really thought about your gift.
4
Focus on creating new memories together, not on the past. Your friendship might not be exactly the same as it was before, but don’t let that get you down.^{[15]
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Research source} Instead, enjoy the friendship you have now. Do fun things with your friend, talk to them often, and try new activities. In time, your friendship can be even better than before.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Create a habit of making new plans after each activity you do with your friend so you always have something coming up.
- Don’t worry if you and your friend can’t see each other in-person very often. You can still have a strong friendship virtually! Just remember to text them often and schedule regular video calls.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if my friendship is fading?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Relationship Specialist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Relationship Specialist

Expert Answer

Remind yourself that you're a really different person than you were when you met this person. It's natural that people grow apart over time because change is constant, and it wouldn't actually be beneficial to stay the same for your entire life. Remember—it's okay to let go of friendships that aren't working anymore, or when you don't have much in common.