13 Subtle Signs Someone Doesn't Want to Be Your Friend

Co-authored by Tracey Rogers, MA and Eric McClure

Last Updated: June 8, 2022 References

People can be confusing, and it’s not always clear when someone is really your friend. You might have a new friend sending you mixed signals, or you may be dealing with an old friend who has randomly changed the way they act towards you. In this article, we’ll walk you through some signs you might encounter when someone doesn't want your friend.

1

You always reach out to them first.

If they never call or text you first, it’s a sign they aren’t a friend. Real friendships should be balanced and built on mutual respect. If you hit them up to hang out first all of the time, it’s a sign that they aren’t thinking of you quite the same way as you think of them. If they contact you first to hang out every now and then, it’s likely that they do want to be friends.^{[1]
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- Try to take alternative explanations into account as well. If your friend has been complaining about how busy they are every time you’ve seen them in the last month, and they’ve only stopped reaching out the past month, it’s probably not a sign that they don’t want to be friends.

2

They only reach out when they want something.

If they do hit you up, their reason for doing so can be insightful. A friend should want to just hang out with you because they enjoy your company. If they do call or text you but only because they need help with their homework, or you have a car and they don’t, it’s a signal that they aren’t a real friend. Take their reason for reaching out into account when you’re trying to identify whether they’re a friend or not.^{[2]
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- It’s totally normal for friends to ask for help every now and then. It shouldn’t be the only reason they ever hit you up, though!

3

They don’t respond to your texts.

It’s not kind to ignore texts or take 2-3 days to respond. People get excited to talk to their friends, and that is typically reflected in how long it takes them to reply to your texts. If someone is flat out non-responsive, or they take multiple days to reply to your texts, it’s a sign that you aren’t a particularly high priority. If they are your friend, they’d be a lot more expressive and communicative.^{[3]
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- There is a small percentage of people out there who are just genuinely bad at checking their phone. If this is the only thing on this list that you’ve noticed, they may just be a little scatterbrained when it comes to remembering to reply.

4

They give you weak excuses.

The quality of an excuse matters when it comes to cancelling plans and replying. If they don’t have good reasons for skipping plans you make with them or not responding when you reach out, it means that they don’t value your feelings. A real friend should be apologetic, offer a decent explanation, and not make a habit out of blowing you off.^{[4]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- It’s possible for a true friend to tell a lie every now and then, but they should at least care enough about your friendship to craft a good excuse!

5

They don’t seem interested in your personal life.

If your conversations always focus on them, they aren’t a real friend. There should always be some give and take in a true friendship, but if your chats always end up centering on them, it’s not a good sign. They should ask you how you’re doing, inquire about your interests, and check in when you’re facing an obstacle. If they don’t, it’s a sign they’re a little selfish, and possibly not a genuine friend.^{[5]
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- It should feel like they’re invested in you. When you hang out with them, it should feel like they actively want to learn about what you’re up to. If you don’t get that feeling, it says a lot about your relationship.

6

They’re polite, but not particularly warm.

If they don’t make you feel loved and appreciated, it’s a red flag. It can be hard to tell the difference between someone just being cordial, and someone being authentically friendly. The way that you feel when you’re around them should tell you a lot. Do they give you hugs? Are they excited to talk to you? There’s a big difference between someone just being casually nice and someone going out of their way to make you feel like the best version of yourself.^{[6]
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- If you can’t tell the difference, pay attention to how your friend interacts with other people. If they treat you basically the same way as everyone else, it’s safe to assume that they’re just naturally nice. If they’re uniquely warm with you, they probably are your friend!
- Do they smile when they see you? Their initial reaction to you can tell you a lot about how they feel about you.

7

They regularly cancel plans with you.

If they call off your hangout sessions, it’s a signal they aren’t interested. Some people are really bad at being honest about not wanting to be friends and they’ll just cancel any plans at the last minute. Real friends will go out of their way to hang out, while fake friends will find excuses not to see you. If they cancel once or twice, it probably isn’t a big deal. However, if this is a chronic issue it’s a sign they aren’t a real friend.^{[7]
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- Recognize that this says more about them than it does you. All you’re trying to do is hang out; they’re the one with a problem, not you.

8

They’re short with you.

If your conversations are abrupt and shallow, they may not be a friend. Friends take interest in one another, and they should be probing and asking follow-up questions when the two of you talk. If they seem like they’re not all that invested in your convos, it might indicate that they’re intentionally keeping your interactions short.^{[8]
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- For example, if you complain about how difficult last night’s math assignment was, a real friend might say something like “Oh man, I know. I had such a hard time on the word problems. What did you get for #13?” A fake friend might just say, “It wasn’t too bad,” or, “Yeah, it was hard.”

9

You never see them comment on your posts.

Their behavior on social media says a lot about how they feel. If they’re always commenting on other people’s posts but they never say anything on your page, it might indicate that they’re not interested in you. A real friend will comment on your posts, tag you, and share things with you online. A fake friend won’t do any of that.^{[9]
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Pew Research Center
Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends
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- This may not mean much if they aren’t particularly active anywhere online. If they never comment on your page but they don’t comment on anyone’s page to begin with, they’re obviously just not all that active online.

10

They aren’t happy when you achieve something.

How they respond to your accomplishments says a lot. If you get a great grade on a test, or you win some kind of award, they should be happy for you. Even if it isn’t a particularly major accomplishment, they should be hyping you up and congratulating you. If they get upset or seem jealous whenever you share some good news with them, it’s a major sign that they’re not a genuine friend.^{[10]
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- It should feel like the two of you are on the same team, not like you’re competing with one another. If they seem like they’re always trying to beat you or do better than you, then they may not view you as a friend.

11

Your secrets aren’t so safe with them.

No true friend would ever intentionally violate your trust. You shouldn’t like you’re stepping on eggshells whenever you talk to them. If they’re in the habit of blabbering off every time you share an intimate detail with them, they aren’t a good person to be around. If they share something with other people when you explicitly asked them not to, they aren’t a real friend.^{[11]
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- You can test this if you want to. Try telling them something untrue (and only tell them). If one of your other mutual friends brings that same secret up with you, they’re not a real friend.

12

They’re always judgmental.

If they’re always critiquing you, they aren’t treating you as a friend. Think about how you react when someone you care about makes a decision you don’t agree with. You might offer friendly advice, or just stay quiet about it. You might even try to encourage them that they made the right decision. If your “friend” goes out of their way to criticize you at every turn, it might mean that they don’t respect your feelings.^{[12]
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- It’s an especially powerful sign if it feels like their behavior has changed radically out of nowhere. If they went from being supportive to extremely critical of you, something is up. They might be upset about something you did, or changed their mind about being friends with you.

13

They tease you a lot.

The occasional inside joke is one thing, but they shouldn’t be piling it on. If they’re always poking fun at you, it’s a sign that they aren’t really prioritizing the way you feel. This is an especially potent sign if they amp up the teasing in front of your mutual friends. Toxic people will do this on occasion—they’ll try to put other people down to make themselves feel bigger. It’s a sign that they’re a bad friend, so don’t put up with it.^{[13]
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- Stand up to them when they do this. Let them know that you don’t appreciate it when they tease you. Their reaction should tell you a lot. If they’re apologetic, they care about your friendship. If they try to act like you’re out of your mind, they’re not a real friend.
- You should evaluate your relationship with your friend.^{[14]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Be honest with yourself and think about what you need in a relationship.^{[15]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- If the relationship does not fulfill your needs, think if you can get what you need by making some changes in the relationship.