How to Know if Your Friend Is Jealous of You

Co-authored by Tala Johartchi, PsyD and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: November 16, 2022 References Approved

Dealing with friends who give in to the green-eyed monster can be very confusing and stressful, but you can do it! If you suspect a friend is feeling envious, then keep an eye out for easy-to-spot signs of their jealousy. Don’t worry: if it turns out to be true, you can talk to them and find a solution. Read on for a list of comprehensive signs that your friend is jealous of you and how to address it.

Things You Should Know

Jealous friends often give backhanded compliments, undermine and criticize you, gossip, and sound negative.
Jealousy is usually caused by insecurities, leading friends to push you away while also trying to upstage you.
Combat jealousy by empathizing with your friend. Tell them how you feel and look for a solution together.

1

Their compliments feel like insults.

Your friend might pretend to be supportive but put you down in reality. Look out for passive-aggressive put-downs that make you feel worse about yourself. Backhanded compliments are framed as praise but sound negative, so your friend can express jealousy without being obvious about it. Remember, it’s not really about you; it’s about their own insecurities.^{[1]
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- Say you got a new job. A friend’s backhanded compliment might sound something like, "That's great. They don't usually hire people with so little experience, but good for you."
- Communicate gently but honestly with your friend. Use “I” statements to explain that you feel hurt rather than accusing them of being backhanded.

2

They try to spoil your good news.

They’ll undermine your good news to make themselves feel better. Jealous friends often feel bad about themselves. They’re quick to downgrade your achievements or good news because it levels the playing field and makes them feel a little better. If you experience good news, your friend may look for something negative to say or a way to make you seem undeserving.^{[2]
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- For example, if you got an “A” on a paper, a jealous friend might diminish it by saying, "Don't get ahead of yourself. We still have half the semester to go. I wouldn't get too confident yet."
- If you start to feel their words affecting you, practice positive affirmations to remind yourself how great you really are.

3

They don’t care about your achievements.

Someone jealous often sounds insincere and unenthusiastic. Secure friends celebrate one another's achievements. Study your friend’s reactions: while others might give enthusiastic congratulations when something goes well for you, a jealous friend will react differently. They’ll sound curt or uninterested; it won’t sound like a sincere congratulations.^{[3]
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- For example, you might be excited to share some good news with them, but your friend might just roll their eyes and say, “Okay, cool.”
- If your friend seems jealous, spend time with someone who celebrates your big wins. You deserve to feel appreciated, even if this friend can’t do that for you!

4

They discourage you from trying new things.

Someone jealous will try to tell you why you can’t do something. Normally, friends are supposed to lift you up and make you feel like you can chase your dreams. However, when a friend is jealous (often because they themselves feel discouraged and want you to feel it too), they’ll spend more time coming up with reasons why you shouldn’t do something instead.
- For example, if you tell your jealous friend you’d like to learn piano, they might say, “There’s probably no point. It’s easier to learn instruments when you’re young, so there’s no way you’d be able to master it now.”
- Remind yourself that your friend can’t dictate your actions. For example, it doesn’t matter what age you study piano! It’s about having fun, not being the best.

5

They criticize your decisions.

Rather than reassuring you, a jealous friend makes you doubt yourself. Instead of being excited for you or supporting your decisions, does your friend make you feel like you’ve made a terrible mistake? Jealous people often feel insecure about their own decisions, and reflect that in their reaction to yours. Just as they discourage your desires, they’ll also make you second-guess your choices.^{[4]
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- For example, if you decided to quit your job and start your dream career, a jealous friend might say, “Are you sure that’s wise? It’s really hard to make it in that industry.”
- They might try to make you feel guilty too. For example, they could say, “I don’t know, quitting your job feels irresponsible. But do what you want, I guess.”
- Build your own self-confidence so you can withstand their criticism. Gently remind them that you’ve made your choice and you’re looking for support—not advice.

6

They’re negative in every conversation.

Jealousy can give your friend a bleak outlook on their own life. They may feel other people succeed easily while they struggle for everything. Pay attention to your friend during social interactions; if they’re jealous, you might notice general pessimism during most conversations. They could even redirect attention away from your good news and onto something bad about their life.^{[5]
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- For example, a jealous friend might bring up how hard work has been right after you start talking about how happy you’ve been lately.
- If you try to suggest the solution for a jealous friend's problems, they’ll also be quick to find reasons why that solution won’t work.
- Empathize with your pessimistic friend. If they’re in a bad place, it could manifest as jealousy. Remind them that you care and offer a supportive ear to see if that helps!

7

They claim their life is unfair.

They might blame outside circumstances for not having what you have. Sometimes, a jealous friend will spend all their time complaining about how unfair their life is. Pay attention to these frequent claims; jealousy might make your friend start thinking the entire world is set against them when the truth is you can both achieve anything you set your minds to.^{[6]
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- For example, they might say something like, "It’s just so unfair that things come so easy for you. You get all the good-paying jobs, and I am stuck in this dead-end one."
- Let them vent but don’t offer advice or try to fix their problems unless they ask. Sometimes people just want to feel heard and understood.

8

They try to upstage you.

Someone jealous will want other people to celebrate them—not you. When you start talking about something, do they quickly interject and start talking about a similar experience of theirs? Not only will a jealous friend copy you, but they may act as if they’re better than you. They’ll try to make all of your accomplishments or work sound like nothing compared to theirs.^{[7]
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- In a conversation, they might interrupt your story about a vacation to talk about how amazing their own vacation was by comparison.
- They may also be overly concerned with social status. If you talk about a party you went to, they’ll brag about attending something even more exclusive.
- Jealous people tend to be intensely competitive, but it’s really because of their insecurities. Remind your friend that you can both celebrate one another; it’s not a competition!

9

They imitate you.

Your friend wants to be like you, so they try to do everything you can do. You might notice your friend dressing like you, imitating your tastes and mannerisms, or talking and joking about the same subjects you do. When they’re jealous of you, they might want to copy some of what you're doing to feel like their life is similar to yours.^{[8]
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- For example, if you and a few friends all love a particular band, your jealous friend might suddenly start showing interest too.
- This can be frustrating, but you can boost their confidence by encouraging them to explore their individuality. Try saying, “I love that shirt! You’re always so chic!” or “You have great taste in movies! Got any suggestions?”

10

They talk about you behind your back.

Talking behind your back is their way of subtly venting jealousy. When a jealous friend doesn’t want to say it directly to your face, they might start saying unkind things about you to your friends. If your other friends mention this person said something about you, but your jealous friend denies it, it could be a sign that they’re jealous and don’t want to admit it.^{[9]
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- You can also analyze the things your jealous friend says to you. If they gossip about others in a mean way to you, there’s a chance they gossip about you too.
- Confront your friend respectfully but firmly and stick to the facts so that they can’t lie or claim you’re exaggerating.
- If they don’t want to fix things (or admit what they’ve done), it’s okay to walk away. Losing a friend is never easy, but it’s better than dealing with toxic jealousy in your life.

11

They project their insecurities onto you.

Those who lack self-confidence are more likely to be jealous. Does your friend often doubt their ability to do something or meet their own goals? Their negativity might not solely come from trying to get pity from other people. It’s possible your friend struggles with their self-esteem and expresses it by acting jealous.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
- Look for other signs of insecurity. Your friend may ask for affirmations constantly and seek other people's approval because they need to feel validated.
- Read their body language for signs of insecurity, too. For example, turning away, grimacing, and crossing their arms all indicate discomfort.
- Help your friend build self-confidence. Jealous behavior often stops when a person feels genuinely good about themselves!

12

They’re never there for you.

Jealous friends won’t listen or have your back when you need support. Examine your friend’s attitude when you talk to them. You may notice they seem disengaged when discussing things like your job, school, or a new relationship. Because they get tired of hearing about your success, they’ll look away, play on their phone, and not comment or ask any questions about your life.^{[11]
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- If you notice this, reflect on how you might be contributing to their jealousy. Your friend may be happy things are going well for you, but it's still hard to hear if they’re in a rough spot.
- Approach your friend with an open mind. Tell them you value the friendship and have noticed they seem unhappy. Then, ask if there’s any way you can help.

13

They start pulling away from you.

Some jealous friends pull away to avoid their negative feelings about you. Consider how often your friend makes excuses not to see you or hangs out with other mutual friends but doesn’t invite you. When a friend experiences jealousy, they might see your success as a representation of what they don't have. As a result, they’ll start to pull away, so they don’t have to face that resentment.^{[12]
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- They might also avoid interacting with you on social media, liking and commenting on other peoples’ posts but not yours.
- If your friend pulls away, ask them about it and tell them you still want to be friends. Work together to salvage the friendship, but remember you also have the power to leave if you’re unhappy.

Expert Q&A

Question

My friend has become closer with our other friends and tries to put me down. What can I do?

Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.

Tasha Rube, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

Approach your friend in a respectful manner and tell her how you feel based on your perception. Try not to approach the conversation with pre-judgments or accusations. If she continues to put you down, she may not be the friend you need in your life. In a case such as this, I would then suggest go out and meet new people and develop healthier friendships.
Question

My friend is always trying to make me jealous because she always goes on vacations. She always gets mad when I try talk to her and cries. What can I do?

Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.

Tasha Rube, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

Ask yourself if your friend is purposefully trying to make you jealous, or is she just excited about her achievements and wanting to share this information with you as friend. You may also want to ask yourself, why her vacations make you feel jealous. We all have the ability to create our own path in life by the choices that we make. If you feel that your life may be lacking in areas, and that you would like to see some of those positive achievements, start making changes and choices that will help guide you toward your desired goals.
Question

My friend hurt me so much because I acted against her wish. Now I am avoiding her. Is this the right thing to do?

Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.

Tasha Rube, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

It sounds like that both of you may need to re-evaluate what it means to be a friend and what expectations each of you have for the relationship you share. Your friend had every right to feel hurt if you purposefully acted against her wish. However, she would be equally at fault if she in turn retaliated against you just to hurt you. Try incorporating positive responsiveness when interacting with any friend you have. Reflect on the situation prior to responding. Think about how your actions or words will impact you, her, or others prior to speaking or behaving. Does it add to the good of the relationship, or does it add more frustration, hurt or anger?