How to Improve Self Esteem with Positive Affirmations

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: August 10, 2021 References Approved

It can be difficult to know how to raise your self-esteem and figure out where to start. Positive affirmations are one way give yourself a boost. They work well for people with neutral to already positive self-beliefs, while those with negative thought patterns may need to challenge their beliefs first before seeing a benefit. Choose your affirmations carefully and use them in helpful situations. By focusing on your current and desired traits, you can begin to embody the person you want to be.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Challenging Negative Beliefs

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Go “neutral.” Positive affirmations don’t always work for people with negative self-beliefs. In fact, they seem to cause feelings of inner conflict and lead to more negative thoughts. For these people, it’s better to start by confronting and neutralizing the negative beliefs first, before moving on to positive affirmations.^{[1]
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- Try to “go neutral.” In other words, replace your negative thoughts with neutral ones that are based in reality. Neutral statements will sidestep feelings of conflict and hopefully give you sounder footing for positive affirmations later on.
- Instead of “I’m getting better and better every day,” say “I’m OK today. I’ve had better days and I’ve had worse.” Try “I’m working to accept myself” rather than “I’m beautiful and love myself.”
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Question negative thoughts.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Negative beliefs are usually based on distorted thinking. To acknowledge these beliefs and question them, try to ask yourself questions rather than declaring things to yourself. Questioning may help you challenge your negative beliefs and stay more neutral.^{[3]
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- Turn statements into questions. Instead of saying, “I’m terrible at job interviews,” ask yourself: “Am I so bad at job interviews? Have they ever gone well for me?”
- Ask yourself if you’re confusing a thought with a fact or jumping to conclusions. Instead of assuming you’ve upset your colleague Julia because she didn’t smile at you, for example, ask if there is any evidence. Would other people accept your conclusion? Maybe Jane has something else on her mind – it may have nothing to do with you at all.
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Look for alternatives. To go from negative to neutral thinking, don’t fight your unconscious mind with positive affirmations but question it instead. Once you’ve acknowledged a negative thought, come up with realistic alternatives.^{[4]
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- You may feel bad at interviews – why? It may be you get very nervous and stressed, which leads you to talk quickly or stumble over words. How can you find ways to reduce your anxiety?
- More potential answers could be: “Well, my last interview went pretty well except for the last two questions, when I got thrown off. What did I do that worked? How can I expand on that?”

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Choosing Your Affirmations

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Know the benefits of positive thinking. When you think negatively you tend to feel negative, and when you think positively you often feel more positive. Using positive self-talk can help you recognize when you have negative thoughts and frame them more positively.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Positive affirmations help transform your inner dialog as well as your subconscious and automatic thoughts.
- This way, your go-to thought may change from, “I can’t do this” to, “I am capable of challenges.”
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Observe your negative beliefs. Start by noticing what beliefs you tell yourself. Write them down so that you can find an affirmation that is the opposite of that belief. For example, you may think, “I am not smart enough to go to college” or, “I don’t have friends because I’m not fun.” From there, create an affirmation that negates this negative belief. For example, “I am smart and capable” and “I am fun and know how to be a good friend.”
- Write down all of your negative beliefs about yourself. Then, next to each one, choose an opposing positive affirmation. Whenever you have the negative thought, replace it with the positive affirmation.
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Say it in the present tense. Make your affirmation in the present tense, believable, and based on a reasonable reality. For example, if you want to make friends, don’t say, “I will have 100 friends” and instead say, “I am a good friend and people enjoy my friendship.” Don’t make the affirmations so different that you cannot see yourself embodying the statement. Keep it realistic.^{[7]
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- Keep your affirmations in the present tense, as if you are already doing the action or embodying the traits you want. Instead of saying, “I will eat healthy” say, “I choose healthy foods to eat.”
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Avoid saying “not,” “don’t” and “should.” Consider how you will say your affirmations. Steer clear from negative statements such as “not” and “don’t” and focus on positive framing instead. Instead of saying, “I don’t engage in self-harm” say, “I treat my body respectfully.”
- For example, instead of saying, “I will not smoke” say, “I am smoke free.”
- Avoid using the word “should.” This implies an expectation and feeling of lack such as, “I should feel better” or “I should do better at school.”^{[8]
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  Research source} Shift your focus onto what you want and place it in the now: “I feel better” and “I do well at school.”
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Repeat your affirmations often. For positive affirmations to stick, say them often. Write your affirmation in a journal each day, say it aloud, and say it to yourself throughout the day. Say it first thing when you wake up in the morning and last thing before you go to bed at night. Write it somewhere you know you will see it often, such as on a mug or on your cell phone. Make it easy to remember and repeat often.^{[9]
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- Remind yourself of your affirmations by wearing a bracelet and saying your affirmation each time you look at it.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Using Affirmations in Specific Situations

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Recognize your positive qualities.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} It’s easy to get caught in negative thought loops before an event or interview. Instead of giving your attention to your negative thoughts (“I can’t do this. I’m a failure. I’ll never get my dream job.”) overwhelm your mind with positive affirmations that recognize the positive traits you possess. Remind yourself that there are lots of good things about you. If you feel tense, nervous, or worried before an event (such as a date, interview, presentation, meeting your partner’s family, etc), affirm yourself of who you are.
- Affirm these positive traits by saying, “I recognize the positive things I bring to life.” You can get more specific by saying, “I am compassionate and care about others. I am loving and help those in need.”
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Affirm yourself without comparing yourself to others. If you feel like you’re not good enough at school or at work, you may doubt your intelligence or ability to do things the way other people do. If you feel like you lack abilities, affirm that you are intelligent and capable. This is especially helpful when applying for a job, taking an exam, or in a competition. For example, say, “I am competent, smart, and hard-working.”^{[11]
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- This is especially helpful if you find yourself comparing yourself to others frequently and concluding that you don’t measure up. You do have things to offer and something to contribute.
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Boost your confidence before a big event.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If you’re feeling nervous before a date, a presentation, or a test, use positive affirmations to increase your confidence.^{[13]
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Research source} Using affirmations can help you recognize you want a positive outcome and foresee that in your future. For example, say, “I deliver my presentation with ease and clarity.”
- You can also affirm your confidence before the event. For example, “I am confident in how I present myself during this date” or, “My studying paid off and I am confidently taking this exam.”
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Control your negative feelings. If you feel overwhelmed by negative feelings, this negativity can infiltrate your thoughts and behaviors as well. Use positive affirmations to gain control of these negative emotions and step into more positivity.^{[14]
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- For example, if you’re feeling frustrated with a task you’re struggling with, don’t let those feelings turn into negative thoughts. Instead, say to yourself, “It’s okay to be frustrated. I’ve overcome challenges before and can do it now.”
- You can also accept your negative thoughts and emotions. Take action, while still being mindful and not resisting the thoughts. This helps train your mind that negative feelings can be handled without being suppressed.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Improving Your Affirmations

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Be inquisitive. Instead of making a declarative statement (for example, “I’m going to fail this test” or, “I will ace this test”), ask a question instead. Say, “Am I bad at taking tests? Have I failed other tests? Do I have the ability to do well?” This helps you to interact instead of just declare a desired outcome. Asking a question also acknowledges your fear and negative thoughts without dismissing them.^{[15]
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- Get curious in your questions. If you struggle with feeling “good enough”, ask yourself, “Do I put in effort in my projects? Do I need to compare myself to others? Are there other approaches I can consider?” You can begin to expand your perception of yourself through curious questions.
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Use mindfulness practices. Mindfulness allows you to return to the present moment without worrying about the future or ruminating in the past. If you notice yourself using negative self-talk, take a step back from believing the thoughts and instead, notice and observe them nonjudgmentally.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Say to yourself, “I notice the negative thoughts I have” without further evaluation.
- Practice mindfulness by sitting quietly and focusing on your breath. Count your inhales and exhales. You can also use a mantra or positive affirmation while you sit, such as “I am calm,” “I am valuable,” and, “I see beauty in me.”
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Change or add new affirmations. Regularly revisit your affirmations and choose which ones resonate with you. It’s important for affirmations to emotionally resonate with you for them to remain potent.^{[17]
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Research source} For example, you may feel like you now value your intelligence more than you used to, and could focus more on affirming your social abilities. Create new affirmations to address your social concerns as they relate to your self-esteem.
- You may also want to reword an affirmation to keep it emotionally charged. For example, the affirmation, “I visit my parents regularly” could be changed to, ”I love and value my parents and make time for them.”