How to Feel Confident

Co-authored by Joui Turandot

Last Updated: January 25, 2021 References Approved

You might have already read and learned how to be confident, but what if you still don't feel all that confident? Sometimes it takes your emotions a little bit of time to catch up with your behaviors, but you can help to move the process along. Perhaps all you really need is some working out and dressing up to feel better, or maybe you can start with thinking positively and smiling more often. In any case, feeling confident is definitely a continuous process that, when achieved, will improve your quality of life immensely.

Help Building Confidence

Sample Ways to Overcome Shyness

Sample Ways to Build Confidence

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Tricking Your Brain

1
Think positively. When it comes down to it, reality is perception. If you feel confident, you are. If life is falling apart around you but you don't notice, it's not really falling apart, now is it? So get on thinking those happier thoughts! You're not deluding yourself one way or another -- don't worry that you're being silly for thinking positively -- you're just taking control.
- When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, tell yourself to stop. It has been shown that simply telling yourself to stop can help break negative thought cycles. You can also try to reframe your thoughts. For example, if you think that you are fat, reframe it in a less negative way such as "I'm unhappy with my weight. What am I doing about it?" It doesn't have to be all sunshine and rainbows; you just have to be less hard on yourself.
- Positive thinking leads to a positive, more confident disposition. When you think negatively about yourself it becomes habit and all of a sudden you're thinking negatively about everything. You become gossip-y and complain-y and one of those people that is always putting something else down.
- Allow yourself to be excited about who you are, undeterred by the limits your parents, community, or job may place on you.^{[1]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Joui Turandot
  Branding Consultant
  Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.}
2
Be grateful. Alright, so you've read the How to Think Positively article, too, and you're still at a loss? Then just start with being grateful. The more things you realize you have going for you the more you can sit back and go, "Huh. I guess life is pretty darn okay." The only sad part is it isn't!
- Seriously. You probably have clothes on your back, talents, people who love you, and a future, just for starters. That's the stuff most people have -- what else do you have that's unique to you?
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3
Smile. There's a ton of arguments on thought and behavior and what comes first. Turns out your mind actually takes cues from your body. So get to tricking your mind and smiling! ^{[2]
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Research source}
- Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin. If you force a smile, you will literally be happier. Not look happier, not seem happier, be happier.
- Smiling reduces stress, lowers your blood pressure, and improves your immune system.
- Smiling makes us more attractive to others.
- Happier people are, generally, more confident. That's the idea here. No room for worry when it's all good!
4
Switch up your environment. Think about the person you are at home, the person you are at school, the person you are at work, the person you are at your favorite cafe, etc. You probably don't act the same in all environments. Odds are that there's an environment or two where you feel more comfortable and more confident. So if you're in a place where you don't feel confident, get up and move! If you can't move to an environment where you feel more confident, simply recognizing that you feel less confident because of the environment can improve your outlook.
5
Use visualization and deep breathing. This is something you can do at anytime.
- Visualize yourself doing awesome and it all going well. When you expect success, you might just get it. But when you expect to fail, you will.
- Take a deep breath. When we breathe too quickly, our heart rates go up and our brains can enter "fight or flight" mode. You're just making yourself more nervous. Because you are not facing a physical threat, there is no need for this.
6
Self-talk. Look yourself in the mirror and persuade yourself that you are you and that you are brilliant. Convince yourself that there is nothing for you to hide from except yourself. Make fierce and confident poses in the mirror, this will help you think positive!

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Working from the Outside In

1
Dress sharp. How would you feel if you walked into a fancy restaurant in your penguin pajamas? You would probably feel pretty self-conscious and awkward. Now how would you feel if you walked into the same place dressed in your Sunday best? Though the clothes don't make the (wo)man, they can make him/her feel like a million bucks.
- It's a lot easier to feel good about ourselves when we think we look good. So take a shower, do your hair, wear clean clothes, and wear deodorant. Don't feel the need to bust out the prom attire, but do put a little effort in to feel put together.
2
Be aware of your posture. Find a room or an area full of people. You can probably spot the unconfident people based their posture. Less confident people are likely a little slouched over or looking down. In fact, just mimicking them can put you in a more unconfident mood. So don't do it! Keep your chin up, your shoulders back, and walk like you own the place.
3
Work out. When we work out, we look better. When we look better, we feel better. But then there's also that working out releases endorphins, makes us feel productive, gives us energy, and basically just puts a pep in our step.
- You don't have to be a marathon runner to reap the benefits of exercise. 30 minutes a day (even broken up into smaller chunks) is all you need to hop on the health train.
4
Wear color. There's a reason we wear black when we mourn: it reflects our mood. Humans associate color with mood. If you're feeling a little down, throw on something bright. The little spike in pizzazz could be all your confidence needs.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Practicing, Practicing, Practicing

1
Do something you're good at. When we do things we're good at, we feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. Confidence stems from there. And not only do it, but do it often. It'll remind you how awesome you are.
- Being good at something, mastering a skill, gives us personality, gives us something to talk about, and makes us interesting in addition to giving us a sense of fulfillment.
- Make sure to try things that are new to you as well. Trying new things helps you to build new skills and discover more about who you are. This will help to build your confidence.
2
Talk to everyone. Part of lacking confidence comes from not really understanding people. To get around this, talk to everyone. Even if it's just small talk, talk to everyone. Here's what you'll probably learn:
- Most people are friendly enough. They're not out to get you or to judge you. In fact, they'll probably enjoy talking to you and you to them.
- Most people don't like initiating either. They'll open up if you make the first move. They're just as nervous as you are to put yourself out there.
- People get cliquey. They stick to what they know and they don't like to deviate much. This is boring. Don't do it. You'll learn so much more from people who are different than you.
3
Keep talking to everyone. The more you talk to people the less scary it gets, the less you're concerned with what they think of you, the less you'll think about how great everyone is and the more you'll realize that most people are completely average. When no one else is a big deal, you have no reason to care so much about how you come off.
- And the more you talk to people, the more you'll get down this socializing thing. It can be pretty intimidating, but won't be after 100 times of the exact same small talk you find over and over. If you don't know how or where to start, you can read How to Be Extroverted, How to Be a Social Butterfly and How to Be Outgoing.
4
Compliment others. Remember that positivity thing we talked about a while back? Turns out people like that. Let them know you're pretty good at it by complimenting them. It's sort of like "giving is better than receiving." It feels great to have someone make you feel good, but it feels even better knowing you helped someone else feel good about themselves.
- Accept compliments graciously. A simple "thank you" is the best way to do this. Don't hem and haw or make excuses when someone is nice to you. That's modest, sure, but it's not really kind to the other person. Imagine if they gave you a gift and you were all, "No, no, I don't deserve this; take it back."
  - That being said, keep your compliments genuine. Don't say it if you don't mean it.
5
Observe yourself and everyone around you. This is true for two reasons:
- Observe yourself and others instead of judging. When you stop judging, the negativity stops. Your mind opens up and you can learn.
- Observe yourself and others so you can learn. What makes others seem so confident? What makes you feel confident and not feel confident? What are your triggers and patterns?
- One fun exercise is to use a platform like Pinterest to collect photos of things you enjoy looking at. Over time, you may notice trends in those images that reveal the details of the sorts of characteristics your subconscious appreciates.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Joui Turandot
  Branding Consultant
  Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.}
6
Find real role models. Having someone to inspire you and your confidence can be a great boost. Just make sure the person is real -- aiming to be like Kim Kardashian is not a good idea. You want a source of positivity you can tap into when you need it.
- Along with a real role model or mentor, keep a positive crowd of people around you. Being with people who try to bring you down (inadvertently or not) or force you to be someone you're not will never make you happy and isn't worth it, regardless of how pretty or rich or smart or whatever they are.
7
Be true to you. It's really hard to be confident when we're trying to be someone we're not. Not only do we have to remember to come off confident, but we have to remember who we're trying to be. Talk about exhausting. So cut out the middleman and just be you. So much easier.
- You can't really be happy being something or someone you're not. You may see initial positivity from others around you (wearing clothes that make you fit in, etc.), but eventually that'll stop and you'll be left with what you think of you. So if there's a voice in you that's saying, "No thanks," listen to it. That's trust in yourself, that's doing your own thing -- that's confidence!
- It's better to have a few people who are super fans of who you truly are, than a lot of folks who feel lukewarm about who you're not. You don't want to please everyone, you want to please the right people!^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Joui Turandot
  Branding Consultant
  Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.}

References

↑ Joui Turandot. Branding Consultant. Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.
↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201207/try-some-smile-therapy
↑ Joui Turandot. Branding Consultant. Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.
↑ Joui Turandot. Branding Consultant. Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Feel-Beautiful-and-Boost-Confidence/7
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcoming-shyness-how-to-feel-more-confident/
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/10-ways-to-instantly-build-self-confidence/
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-ways-to-be-more-confident-live-the-life-of-your-dreams/
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/5-ways-to-feel-confident-in-under-5-minutes.html

More References (1)

http://positively-smitten.com/2013/05/27/finally-feeling-fierce-20-tips-to-build-your-confidence/

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I be confident in myself?

Joui Turandot
Branding Consultant
Joui Turandot is a Personal and Creative Branding Consultant and the Founder of JTM Consulting, a business that specializes in public persona branding, business branding, creative leadership coaching, and speaking workshops. Joui has more than 10 years of experience as a fashion designer, filmmaker, photographer, costume designer, stylist, and personal development coach. She uses her diverse experience to guide creative leaders and entrepreneurs through a journey of self-discovery and embodied personal expression to help them grow their business and step into the next level of leadership. Joui holds a BA in Media Studies from Mills College and holds credentials in the Somatica Core Training Method by the Somatica Institute and in the Art of Circling Training by The Circling Institute.

Joui Turandot

Branding Consultant

Expert Answer

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As long as you express yourself in a way that makes you feel like what you're sharing is true to you and being heard, that's amazing. Don't be afraid that some people won't like a fake version of you—the important thing is that a few people like the real you.
Question

How can I stop feeling so insecure?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

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Be sure you surround yourself with positive people that you feel secure around. If you have friends that make you feel insecure, don't see them as often.
Question

How can I feel confident after having a baby?

Lisa Greaves Taylor, CCCE, LCCE, CD (DONA)
Certified Doula & Childbirth Educator
Lisa Greaves Taylor, CCCE, LCCE, CD (DONA) is a certified childbirth educator, birth doula, and founder of Birth Matters NYC. With over 10 years of experience, Lisa specializes in labor support, postpartum wellness, and education in the first few months of parenthood. She is a certified childbirth educator with both the Childbirth Education Association of Metropolitan New York (CEA/MNY) and Lamaze International. Lisa served on CEA/MNY’s board for 5 years and was named CEA’s Ellen Chuse Childbirth Educator of the Year in 2018. Lisa is also a DONA-certified labor support doula and a professional member of Evidence Based Birth.

Lisa Greaves Taylor, CCCE, LCCE, CD (DONA)

Certified Doula & Childbirth Educator

Expert Answer

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Try to focus on what your body has overcome. Growing a baby and giving birth is an amazing, difficult thing! While changes to your body may be hard to accept at first, they represent this awesome thing that you've accomplished.

Warnings

Never be mean or put other people down to increase your own confidence, as people will start to dislike you.

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Rather than making frantic efforts to "somehow feel confident", explore and care for your true self. Your true self is noble and dignified. Exploring and caring for your true self will ensure revitalization and the natural and full fledged emergence of feeling of confidence [Cf: Stress: Understanding and Management: Dr. Shriniwas Kashalikar]

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