How to Comfort Your Girlfriend when She Is Upset

Last Updated: December 9, 2022 References Approved

When your girlfriend is upset, there are two parts to comforting her. She will need to feel emotional support through the things you say. Also, she will need to feel secured through the physical support that you give her. If you combine these correctly, she’ll feel better in no time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Comforting Her Verbally

1
Ask her what’s wrong. No matter what your opinion is, keep it to yourself. Let her vent and get the story out, just nodding and adding a small comment when necessary. If she doesn’t want to tell you, don’t pressure her. Some girls don’t like to talk about why they’re so upset. If this is the case, just tell her that you care and let her cry it out. ^{[1]
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Research source}
- "How're you feeling?"
- "Hey, is something bothering you lately?"
- "You seem upset. What's going on?"
- "I'm here to listen if you want someone to talk to."
- Try to get her to open up and talk about the issue with you, focusing on what's going on for her, as opposed to what you've done wrong.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
  Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
2
Be supportive, not dismissive. It doesn’t matter if you don't agree with her issues. Reassure her that you’re there for her. Take her to a private spot and tell her that it’s alright to cry. Ensure her that you’re on her side.
- "I know that this must feel terrible right now. I'm so sorry."
- "I can't imagine how you feel. I know this can't be easy."
- "I’m sorry that you’re upset. Please let me know if I can do anything to make it better.”
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3
Acknowledge the issue and briefly express your feelings. Just showing someone that you see and understand their problem means the world. Keep it short and simple.
- "I am so sad to hear that your mom is sick."
- "I know you really deserved that promotion. I'm sorry it didn't work out."
- "She was a great friend, and I'm upset she's moving away too."^{[3]
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4
Stay away from giving advice. Most people are upset because there is no easy solution. So don't try to offer her one. She's more than likely thought it all out before, and your advice will just keep her circling around how "hopeless" her problems are. Instead, say:
- "This must be really hard for you."
- "I wish I had an answer or solution. Just know that I'm here for you no matter what."
- "What do you think comes next?"
- "How do you want to handle this?"^{[4]
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- If you're the cause of the problem, do not try to explain yourself right now. Let her vent and open up first.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
  Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
5
Empathize and validate her emotions. This one can be hard, but as long as you let her take the lead you can help her get a hold of her feelings. Get her to open up about how she feels instead of the situation or the outcome by drawing on your personal experience. Labeling the feelings will help her control them:
- "I know you really wanted that job. I would be really let down in your shoes."
- "You absolutely have a right to be sad; I would be too."
- "I know you're angry and upset right now. I understand, and it sucks."^{[6]
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6
Stay positive. This is very important. While supporting her, constantly remind her that things will get better. She’s going to be looking to you for advice, so make sure not to be negative. Bring your positive energy to the conversation and she will slowly, but surely, start to pick up on it.^{[7]
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- "Let it out. You know that, however terrible, these feelings will pass."
- "Let's remember the good moments together. Remember when..."
- "This sucks right now, I know. But I will be here for you until things feel better."
7
Avoid minimizing her problems or talking down to her.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} At the end of the day, remember that you aren't there to make things magically better, you're there to support her. Telling her "it's no big deal" or that "you went through the same thing" will make her feel like you don't take her seriously. Things not to say include:
- "You were too good for that job anyway. They're not even worth your time." Clearly, since she's upset, she thinks it was worth her time.
- "I know exactly how you feel." Everyone's problems are unique -- you don't know exactly how she feels, and she'll sense it.
- "You're so strong -- you'll be fine." Sometimes people need some time not to be strong. Don't make her feel like she can't be vulnerable unless she looks "weak."
- "I know this is terrible. Did I tell you about the time I......" This isn't about your past problems, so don't try and change the subject.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Comforting Her Physically

1
Be patient as she gets a hold of her feelings. This doesn’t mean being passive. Rather, you should watch, wait, and know when to act.^{[9]
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Research source} It may take a while for your girlfriend to open up depending on how upset she is. Knowing when to act will only be possible through communication.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Consistently ask her if she’s ready to talk about it.
- Only leave her alone if she tells you to. Even if she seems angry or upset, stay with her until she has calmed down.
2
Use physical contact to comfort her. Light touching works wonders. It releases the hormone oxytocin. This hormone elevates feelings of attachment, connection, trust, and intimacy.^{[11]
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Research source} If you’re holding hands, run your thumb over her knuckles or rub small circles on the back of her hand. You can also place one hand on her shoulder or the small of her back for the same effect.
- Holding hands is a great stress reliever. This simple act increases a sense of trust and security and lowers cortisol (“stress hormone”) levels.
3
Hug her. Be firm but gentle-soft rocking or patting on the back is fine if you need to calm her down a bit before you can talk. Remember, you’re hugging her to help comfort her, so ensure that she feels safe and protected.
- Hugs provide a sense of security. We are wired to find touch reassuring.^{[12]
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4
Don’t push it. A gentle touch or hug is plenty to comfort your girlfriend. If she wishes to kiss you, she will.
5
Move her. Physically take her somewhere different to surprise her with an act of kindness. At this point, she might not want to be around other people. Suggest a small getaway to take her mind off of things.
- Set up a private picnic for the two of you.
- Treat her to an afternoon massage at the spa.
- Go see a new comedy movie.
- Take her for a walk.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with a yelling girlfriend?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

You should go to a different room or somewhere else. Being yelled at is not fun, and there's nothing you can say at such a time that's going to make it better.
Question

How do I calm my angry girlfriend?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

It's helpful to put a system in place in advance so you both know what to do in these situations. You can both go to different places or agree to talk it out in a different manner. When there's a previously agreed plan, everything tends to work out better.
Question

What do I do when my girlfriend is inconsolable, and won't believe or listen to me.

Community Answer

Just be there for her, providing your comforting presence as she works through things. However, if she remains despondent for days or weeks, or shows troubling, destructive behavior, find a counselor or mental health professional for specific advice.

Warnings

Most girls will appreciate your attempts to comfort them, but some prefer to be alone when they are upset. If they act like or say they want to be alone, back off and give her some space.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Don't go too far, because she might change her mind later and want you around.

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Be careful about using humor to lighten the mood. She might appreciate your efforts, but it's very possible that any jokes you crack will fall flat.

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