How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is Gay

Co-authored by Dan Hickey

Last Updated: March 16, 2023 References

If you're a woman, you may have noticed things about your boyfriend that lead you to believe he's gay or interested in men. Sexuality is highly complex and sensitive, and there are a lot of inaccurate stereotypes out there that don't truly reflect a person's sexual orientation. You can't know for sure unless he tells you himself, but noting possible signs can make it easier to start a conversation. Keep reading for a thorough list of potential signs that your boyfriend might be gay.

1

He’s emotionally detached.

Does he seem withdrawn, secretive, or keep you at arms length? There are many reasons why someone might act this way, so this by itself is not a surefire sign that he’s gay. However, if you notice this alongside several other behaviors from this list, it could be a meaningful indicator.^{[1]
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2

He doesn't seem interested in sex with you.

Has there been a lack of physical intimacy? It’s normal for relationships to ebb and flow. However, if there's a decline that never picks up again or if he tries to convince you that all relationships eventually fizzle out sexually, it might mean he is hiding his true self.^{[2]
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Research source} Other signs include:
- He seems turned off when you get intimate
- He’s less passionate or mechanical in bed
- There’s a lack of pleasurable foreplay
- He accuses you of being sex-obsessed when you express normal needs

3

His dirty talk or fantasies involve other men.

Are you a part of the fantasy too, or is it male-only? If it comes up infrequently and his arousal disappears when you’re not involved, it’s probably just a kink or fetish about a specific scenario. If he regularly expresses this desire, though, it’s possible he has an attraction to other men.^{[3]
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- Frequent pressure for a threesome with 2 men or a scenario where you watch him and another man are possible signs.
- There are a lot of reasons a straight man might have these fantasies, including cuckolding kinks or even past sexual abuse. Be sensitive as you approach this topic.

4

Keep in mind that he could be bisexual, pansexual, or another LGBTQ identity.

If you believe your boyfriend loves and cares for you but he "seems to be gay," keep in mind that he could be bisexual, pansexual, or interested in men. For instance, if he is pansexual, (attracted to all genders regardless of sex) bisexual (attracted to two genders, typically men and women), or queer (not heterosexual) there's a chance he loves you and is attracted to you, but he's still interested in men or has had relationships with men--he could also be questioning his sexual orientation.
- There are several identities in which someone can be interested in more than one gender, so don't think he's "just gay".
- Don't blatantly ask him, "Are you bisexual?". This is rude and can surprise him. Instead, approach the topic by sitting down and asking him, "I had a question, I was wondering if you are interested in men?" If he says he is interested in men, also ask him if he's attracted to you/women.

5

He watches gay pornography by himself.

Watching an occasional male-only scene is not a huge red flag. This is especially true if he’s watching it with you. If you stumble upon evidence of gay porn on his computer or phone, though, that may be a little different. This alone isn't a reliable sign, but it may mean he’s withholding sexual information.^{[4]
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Research source} See if:
- He erases his browser history regularly.
- You find pop-ups of gay porn on your/his computer or stored video files.
- He aggressively denies searching for or watching gay scenes.

6

He doesn’t check out other women.

This is more significant if he also openly checks out other guys. When you’re in public or around other people, watch to see where his attention goes. If he’s deliberately looking at no one or if his gaze falls frequently on other men, he may be hiding a secret attraction. He could also be asexual or not interested in relationships if he doesn't check out anyone.^{[5]
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- It’s likely a straight guy would try to avoid looking at other women while you’re around to avoid offending you. Look for subtle signs, not obvious gestures.
- If he checks out men and women equally, it’s possible he’s bisexual.

7

He’s overly affectionate with other men.

Does he excessively compliment or touch other men? Observe how he acts in social settings. If he’s gay, he might thrive on other men’s attention, frequently touch or hug them, or exchange flirty comments with them (especially about their physical appearance).^{[6]
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Research source} Other signs might be:
- He brags about getting hit on or asked out by other men
- He gushes about other men’s bodies or personalities to you

8

He’s too close to his best friend.

Do you get the sense he wants more than just friendship? Look for signs of intimacy beyond typical friendship. If you feel excluded or like a third wheel when you’re with your boyfriend and his BFF, he might have secret feelings for his friend.^{[7]
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Research source} Some signs might be:
- He gives lavish gifts to his male friend
- They exchange secret looks or whisper to each other around other people
- You get the feeling you “walked in on something” when you encounter them together

9

He has many LGBTQ friends.

He may surround himself with gay companions to fill an unrequited need. Notice if he frequently hangs out with his gay friends, or joins them on nights out at LGBTQ+ bars and clubs. His social circle could reflect his sexual orientation, even if he’s not 100% aware of it.^{[8]
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- He might also keep his friend group secret from you. There’s a chance he’d be outed if you saw him with them, or he might have a secret relationship with someone in the group.^{[9]
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10

He acts homophobic.

A closeted man may act this way to draw suspicion away from himself. They think, “If I act like I don’t like gay men, no one will think I am one.” Notice if he acts uncomfortable around gay men, regularly makes homophobic comments or jokes, or deliberately never talks about anything remotely gay.^{[10]
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- This is often referred to as internalized homophobia.
- Another indicator could be an obsession with knowing another person's sexuality, like “needing” to know if someone is LGBTQ+ or identifying others solely on their sexual orientation.^{[11]
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11

His family is homophobic.

A closeted man might enter a straight relationship to fool his family. If his relatives are highly anti-gay, he may not feel safe or welcome to come out to them. He might also be wrestling with internalized homophobia or self-loathing because of the conflict between his identity and his upbringing.^{[12]
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Research source} He may fear repercussions like:
- Being kicked out of his house or shunned
- Losing financial support
- In extreme cases, physical violence

12

He has a gay dating app profile.

This is the biggest sign your boyfriend may be gay. You might notice a popular LGBTQ dating app like Grindr or Scruff, or it’s possible he’s using apps like Tinder or Hinge with the preferences set to men. Look for excessive texting or messaging at odd hours.^{[13]
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- He might use social media to coordinate dates or hookups. Look at his profiles for suspicious followers, and look at who he follows as well.^{[14]
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- It’s not recommended to catfish your boyfriend on an app or comb through his phone without his knowledge since this is a major violation of his privacy.

13

He’s been with other men before.

A previous gay relationship or encounter can be a major indicator. Notice how you find out about it. If he tells you himself, he might be confident in his sexuality and just sharing a past experience. If someone else told you or he told you while he was drunk, it could be a sign he’s struggling and can’t talk about it openly.^{[15]
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- An encounter in his teen or college years is more likely to mean he’s gay or queer than an experience later in life, which could have more complex explanations.^{[16]
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14

Ask him.

The best option is to have a calm talk with your boyfriend. If your suspicions are strong, a safe and warm conversation will clear things up faster and bring peace of mind.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} Remember, sexuality is highly complex and includes more than just gay and straight. Your boyfriend could be bisexual, asexual, or only slightly attracted to men while preferring an emotional and physical relationship with women.^{[18]
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- Try to be there to listen and support him if he is struggling or confused.
- It's always better to ask than to make assumptions about someone's sexuality.^{[19]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kateri Berasi, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.}

Warnings

For the social, emotional, and physical well-being of your boyfriend, don't discuss his sexuality with others or publicly out him. It’s possible that he is not fully aware of his own sexuality yet, or he's hiding it because of safety concerns. A forced outing can be highly damaging to his mental health and personal relationships.

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