How to Tell Your Boyfriend You Want to Have Sex

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: December 16, 2022 References

If you are in a serious relationship with your boyfriend, there may come a time when you are ready to take things to the next level. Unless your boyfriend is a skilled mind reader, however, he won't know that you want to have sex. Telling him can seem awkward, but it does not have to be. This wikiHow will offer you lots of tips and advice on how to tell your boyfriend that you want to have sex.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Telling Your Boyfriend in Person

1
Prepare an ideal setting. If you think that he will say yes and want to have sex right away, prepare your surroundings. Light a couple of candles and invite him over to watch a movie, listen to music, or play a game. Make sure that you have enough time and privacy to have sex. ^{[1]
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2
Wait until you are alone together. Some relationship discussions are okay to have while you are out in public, but a discussion about something as personal as your first time together should be had in private and just between the two of you.
3
Tell him you are ready to start having sex with him. You may be sending signals that seem obvious to you, but he might not pick up on them. In that case, you might just have to gather your courage and tell him how you feel.
- Try asking him, "I am ready to start having sex with you, would you be into that?" or "How do you feel about becoming more intimate with me?"
- If you don’t like the idea of asking him to have sex, you could simply say, "I'm ready for us to start having sex, but it's totally cool if you need more time." Saying something like this provides him with the opportunity to take the next step or decline without too much awkwardness.
4
Respect his answer if he says no. If your boyfriend says he’s not ready, be understanding and don’t push him. He may just need a little more time. It is important to make sure that both of you are ready before you begin having sex.^{[2]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Taking an Alternative Approach

1
Text or call to tell him that you want to start having sex. If you are too nervous to tell you boyfriend in person or you simply want to be able to plan ahead for your first time together, texting or calling him is a good option.
- If you text him, you can be direct by texting something like "Wanna have sex later?" This text will certainly grab his attention but it is casual enough that you can play it off like you were kidding, just in case he says no.
- Or you can try something more suggestive, tell him what you're wearing or go with the classic "What are you wearing?" This may lead to a steamy sexting session or phone call. When it feels right, ask him to come over and see what happens next.
2
Show him instead of telling him. The next time that you alone together, use the opportunity to show him that you are ready to have sex. Make sure that you know that he is ready for sex before you do try to seduce him. If he says he is not ready yet, don’t take it personally. Just give him some more time and try again when he tells you he’s ready.
3
Write him a note. An email or handwritten note may be a perfect solution if you are having a hard time verbalizing the way that you feel. Write honestly about how you feel and keep it lighthearted.^{[3]
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Research source} Also, make sure that he reads the note in private or in your company and that he either destroys/deletes it or keeps it somewhere very safe after he has read it.
4
Wait for a special occasion. An upcoming special occasion, like a birthday or holiday, might be a good time to tell him that you want to start having sex. Waiting until a specified date will give you time to prepare yourself and it will also make the occasion more memorable.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Preparing to Talk to Your Boyfriend

1
Make sure you are ready for sex. Before you even think about what to say to your boyfriend, make sure that you feel ready for sex in general.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} If you are considering becoming sexually active and have never had sex before, think about why you want to become sexually active. Consider your emotional readiness, knowledge of birth control and safe sex, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your personal beliefs and values.^{[5]
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- Don't feel like there's an urgency for you to have sex. You should only do it because you want to, not because of societal pressures or your boyfriend want you to do.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
2
Think about what you want. Whether you have been with other guys or not, your first time with someone should be special. Think about how you’d like the first time to be and make sure that you really want to take this step with him. Ask yourself questions like:
- Do I feel like this is something I want?^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Do I want it for me, or am I doing it for my partner?^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- How would I feel the next day after having sex?^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
3
Protect yourself. Purchase condoms and keep them on hand at all times, so that you are prepared for your first sexual encounter with your boyfriend. Store a couple in your purse and in your nightstand. You should also have a conversation with your boyfriend about contraceptive options, so that you are both taking responsibility for your sexual health. Keep in mind that birth control will only provide protection against pregnancy, but condoms can protect you from STIs and pregnancy. Also, remember that neither method is 100% effective. ^{[10]
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4
Try not to obsess over telling your boyfriend that you want to have sex. Even if it turns out that he doesn’t feel ready to have sex yet, he will most likely appreciate your honesty. Just relax and make a plan to discuss your feelings with him.
5
Talk about your hopes for the relationship. If you want to make sure he is committed to you before you have sex with him, you should talk to him to gauge his ideas about where the relationship is headed. Just make sure to have this conversation with your boyfriend before you start sleeping together. It will be much easier to discuss your hopes and expectations about your relationship before you have become sexual partners than after. During this conversation, make sure that you listen to his hopes for the relationship and respect what he has to say. You can strike up the conversation by saying:^{[11]
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- If you don't want to sound like you are trying to talk about your relationship you can ask him, "So what do you think you'll be doing this time next year?" If you're part of his vision for the future, then he is probably interested in something long term.
- If you want to be more direct with him, you can ask him, "Where do you think we're headed?"
- Or if you just want to know if he considers you his partner or not, you can ask him "So what should I call you if any of my friends asks about us?"^{[12]
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6
Don’t set unrealistic expectations. You should have sex with someone only if you want to and are ready to.^{[13]
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Research source} Don’t have sex with your boyfriend if you are hoping that by becoming sexual partners your boyfriend will want to propose, ask you to move in with him, or start treating you differently. Sex will not fix a relationship, but it may affect it negatively if one or both partners are not ready to become sexually active. ^{[14]
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Community Q&A

Question

My boyfriend wants to have sex with me. I've told him I'm not ready, but all he does now is try to get me to have sex with him - touching me sexually and trying to take off my clothes. What should I do?

Community Answer

What he's doing is sexual assault, and it's not okay. Be clear with him that he needs to stop. Tell him firmly, "I'm not ready to have sex, and I'm not okay with you touching me like that. If you keep doing it, I'm going to leave." Then, if he tries again, follow through on it. If he's receptive, you can try having another conversation about it; if he's not, however, you're better off ending the relationship. It might seem harsh, but someone who truly cares about you and respects you will accept and respect your boundaries about sex, and if he's not willing to do that, he doesn't respect you. You deserve a partner who will respect you and your boundaries, even if they don't like the answer they get.