How to Start Having Sex Again

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: December 11, 2022 References

If it's been a long time since you’ve had sex, you might be feeling shy or overwhelmed by the prospect of getting back into the bedroom. If you’re ready to have sex again, work on building your confidence and getting healthy so that you feel good about yourself. Find a potential partner or reconnect with your spouse, and get ready for a sexy time in the bedroom.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Building Your Confidence

1
Know that you’re not alone. There are many people who are celibate at some time in their lives. One study found that 14% of men and 10% of women had not had sexual intercourse in the preceding year. There are many changes and transitions in life that can lead to celibacy – involuntary or not.^{[1]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.}
- Resist the urge to judge yourself harshly for being celibate. Ignore what you think society says about where you should be in your lifespan and whether you should be having sex, dating, married or with children. Your opinion of yourself is the most important one. The depression that can occur from celibacy can unfortunately prevent you from moving forward.^{[2]
  X
  Research source
  Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.}
2
Build your social skills. If you feel socially awkward or shy, you may have trouble meeting people. The most significant barrier to finding a sexual partner is shyness.^{[3]
X
Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.} A general lack of social skills can also impede you from finding a sexual partner.^{[4]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.} Work on improving your social skills so that you feel more comfortable meeting new people.
- Work on your nonverbal communication. Your body language communicates certain messages to other people. If you stand away from a crowd, or you hunch your shoulders a lot, you may be nonverbally telling others to stay away from you. Try standing up straight with your shoulders back and your head held high. Stand closer to a group of people and listen with interest to their conversation.^{[5]
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- Have a mental list of general conversation topics. If you find that you run out of things to say, you can prepare ahead of time with some general ideas about things to talk about. This can include the weather, your work or school, a recent movie, a hike you went on, and so on.^{[6]
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- Practice your social skills with all kinds of people. You don’t need to save your social skills for potential partners. Try them out on the mail carrier or the grocery store clerk.
3
Be proactive about your body image. Making your dive back to sexual activity pleasurable will build your confidence. Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed of your body can make sex needlessly uncomfortable. If you struggle with body image issues that are negatively affecting your sex life, then make it a priority to rectify what you can and accept what you cannot.
- Join a gym to get some exercise. You don’t need to have a goal of losing 15 pounds, but the very action of getting some physical exercise can improve your confidence.^{[7]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source} It can also improve your sex life by boosting your energy.
- Treat yourself to a new haircut or new underwear. Feeling sexy will help you remember what you like about sex and get you excited for the activity again.
4
Get a private living situation. Address your life circumstances that may be holding you back and reducing your confidence. Whether the obstacle is where you live or other circumstances, take the steps to address that obstacle.^{[8]
X
Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.} You may be in a living situation where you don’t have a lot of privacy. You might live with a roommate or a family member. If you want to pursue a physical relationship with a partner, figure out ways to ensure you get the privacy you need. See if your roommate will go out for one or two evenings every week, for example.
- You might consider getting your own place if your living situation isn’t allowing you enough privacy.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Getting Healthy

1
Schedule a checkup with your doctor. Ensure you’re in fine form to have sex. Schedule a physical examination with your doctor. This can be especially helpful if you stopped having sex for health reasons, for example.^{[9]
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Research source}
- If you’ve had a baby recently, you will want to see your gynecologist to get a green light for sex. Many women who have given birth find sex to be uncomfortable or painful after childbirth.^{[10]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source} Your doctor can determine if there are any physical problems resulting from childbirth.
2
Address sexual dysfunction. Perhaps you stopped having sex because things weren’t working properly for you. For example, maybe you weren’t having orgasms anymore. This doesn’t mean that you have to stop having sex entirely. There are many options for medications and other treatments for sexual dysfunction, both for men and women.
- Be proactive about addressing dysfunction that you’re experiencing. Make an appointment with your doctor. He or she will be able to help you figure out the next step.
- You may feel shy or embarrassed when talking to your doctor about issues pertaining to sex. But your doctor is there to help you live your life to the fullest and genuinely wants to help you. It might help talking with a female doctor if you’re a woman, or a male doctor if you’re a man.
3
Treat depression or anxiety issues. Your mental health can affect how you respond to sex. If you are depressed, you might have decreased interest in sex.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
American Academy of Family Physicians
Organization devoted to improving the health of patients, families, and communities
Go to source} Address your depression or anxiety by seeing a counselor. This person will be able to help you dig into why you feel depressed or anxious. He or she can also give you strategies for coping with these disorders. Some signs of depression can include:
- Significant loss of appetite or loss of weight.
- Disrupted sleep (either unable to sleep or sleeping too much).
- Fatigue or loss of energy.
- Increased agitation or decreased movement noticeable by others.
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive.
- Having difficulty concentrating or feeling.
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, attempting suicide or having a plan for suicide.
- Talk with your doctor about medication. Depression and anxiety can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Medications help correct those imbalances. Be warned, however, that some medications may reduce sexual interest or pleasure. Talk with your doctor to find the best option for you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Finding a Potential Partner

1
Try online dating. If you’re having trouble meeting someone that you connect with, you might need to widen your circle of potential partners. Online dating sites are great places to find other people looking for relationships. This type of dating is much more common than it used to be, and chances are you’ll meet a wider range of people than you would in your everyday in-person life.^{[12]
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Research source}
2
Reconnect with your spouse or partner. If you’re in a long-term relationship and the spark has fizzled, you might need to reconnect with your partner so that you start having sex again. Rediscover the affection and attraction that drew you two together in the first place.
- Relive good memories. Revisit some of the places you went for dates when your relationship was new. Try some of the old restaurants or visit the beach where you used to have makeout sessions.
- Overcome anger in your relationship by talking with each other. The relationship might be suffering because one or both of you are angry or resentful. It might take a while to get back to the good relationship, but talking about your problems is a good first step. You might think about visiting a marriage counselor.
- Make sex a priority in your relationship. You might have to schedule time for it, especially if you have kids. Plan a date night, send the kids to the grandparents’ house, and have a fun time together.
3
Practice flirting. When it comes to flirting, there are different styles of communication that have varied results. Flirtation styles include physical, sincere, polite, traditional, and playful.^{[13]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.} You will likely find more success with flirting and dating adopting a physical, sincere, and playful style rather than being especially polite or traditional. Also, the physical and sincere styles are even more conducive specifically for sexual activity.^{[14]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.}
- Physical flirting is where individuals show interest through physical touch, like touching someone’s shoulder.
- Sincere flirting style is contingent on creating an emotional bond, and involves more self-disclosure than other styles, but also is non-sexual.^{[15]
  X
  Research source
  Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.}
- Polite flirters are not comfortable being overtly sexual, and rigidly follow traditional courtship rules.^{[16]
  X
  Research source
  Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.}
- Traditional flirting styles involve when men take the lead and are the aggressor.^{[17]
  X
  Research source
  Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.}
- Playful flirters treat flirtation like a game, indiscriminately and openly showing their affection and regard for others.^{[18]
  X
  Research source
  Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.}
- If you have a long-term partner with whom you want to re-initiate sex, try flirting with him or her. Ignite the passion in your relationship that you have had in the past.
4
Use assertive communication. When speaking with someone you are interested in, use assertive communication. Express your thoughts and feelings directly using “I” messages, such as, “I think you’re really cute.”^{[19]
X
Research source
Kubany, E., Bauer, G., Muraoka, M., Richard, D., & Read, P. (1995). Impact of labeled anger and blame in intimate relationships. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 14, 53-60.} If you have hit a "dry spell" in your long-term relationship, you might say to your partner: "I've noticed we haven't had sex in a long time, and I'd like to talk about it."
- Even when speaking directly, be sure that both people are taking turns in the conversations.^{[20]
  X
  Research source
  Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.} Give the person a chance to speak by allowing for brief silences (usually a few seconds).^{[21]
  X
  Research source
  Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.}
- If you are worried about your social skills, there are general expectations for how you should communicate. You should strive to be informative, relevant, truthful, polite, and modest.^{[22]
  X
  Research source
  Grice, Cole, & Morgan, 1975}
5
Take things slowly. Don’t expect that you’ll have sex right away with a new partner. It’s better to get to know the person and take the relationship slowly. Then you will feel more comfortable with progressing to the next step.^{[23]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.}

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Being Prepared for Sex

1
Get to know your own body in a sexual way. You can also make it a point to get to know your own body in a sexual way. Women who masturbate have significantly more sexual satisfaction than those who do not.^{[24]
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Research source
Hurlbert, D. F., & Whittaker, K. E. (1991). The role of masturbation in marital and sexual satisfaction: A comparative study of female masturbators and non-masturbators. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 17(4), 272-282.}
- Integrating sexual materials like vibrators and lube in your sex life can improve your satisfaction.^{[25]
  X
  Research source
  Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.} These are tools that you can use alone or with a partner. If you’re shy about starting to use a vibrator or other sex toy with a partner, try it out by yourself first.
2
Educate yourself about consent. In most U.S. states, the age at which you can have consensual sex is 18. Know that if your partner is under the age of consent and you are above it, you could be charged with statutory rape. Consensual sex also means that both partners are willing to participate. When having sex, both you and your partner can say no and withdraw consent at any time. If at any point someone says “no,” stop immediately.
- Remember that just because someone doesn't say "no" doesn't mean that they are comfortable with the situation. Consent is an ongoing process.
3
Get protection to use during sexual activity. Unprotected sexual activity can lead to unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Fortunately, condoms are a great way to prevent these issues. Use a condom every time you have sex, and for the complete act.^{[26]
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Research source}
- Pregnancy: Be aware that hormone birth control will only protect against pregnancy, not sexually transmitted infections. It’s best to have two ways to protect yourself, such as using both hormonal birth control and condoms. Use condoms according to their directions; condoms are only 82% effective against pregnancy with typical use (this equals 18 pregnancies out of 100 per year). The birth control pill is only 91% effective, with 9 pregnancies occurring out of 100 women per year. The most effective method to prevent pregnancy is the birth control implant, with fewer than one pregnancy per 100 women.
- Sexually transmitted infections: Always use a condom correctly during sex.^{[27]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
  Go to source}. Also, an HPV vaccine like Gardasil and Cervarix can prevent HPV, the virus that causes genital warts and cervical, anal, penile, vaginal, and oral cancers.. Talk to your doctor and support system about vaccination options.
4
Stock up on other supplies. Dental dams, personal lubrication products, and other supplies can significantly improve sexual satisfaction. It can be especially helpful if you haven’t had sex in a long time and you’re concerned about discomfort for you or your partner.^{[28]
X
Research source
Herbenick., Reece, Hensel, Sanders, Jozkowski., & Fortenberry. (2011). Association of lubricant use with women's sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: a prospective daily diary study. J Sex Med. 2011 Jan;8(1):202-12.}^{[29]
X
Research source
Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.}
- Dental dams: A dental dam is a thin latex sheet that is placed in the mouth to provide protection during oral sex. Try finding them online or at a sexual health store. Some drug stores do carry them, but they are not as commonly found as other forms of sexual protection.^{[30]
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  Research source}
- Personal lubricants: There are three kinds of lubricants, which include water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based, and all of these have different features.
  - Water-based lubricants: These are convenient because they rinse off easily and are easy to purchase in most stores.^{[31]
    X
    Research source} They can be used safely with condoms and can even prevent the condom from breaking.^{[32]
    X
    Research source} This type of lubricant also is associated with fewer genital symptoms than silicone-based lubricants.^{[33]
    X
    Research source
    Herbenick., Reece, Hensel, Sanders, Jozkowski., & Fortenberry. (2011). Association of lubricant use with women's sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: a prospective daily diary study. J Sex Med. 2011 Jan;8(1):202-12.}^{[34]
    X
    Research source
    Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.}
  - Silicone-based lubricants: These have the advantage of lasting longer than other lubricants. They are also the best choice for anal sex.^{[35]
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    Research source}
  - Oil-based lubricants: These should never be used with latex condoms. Oil-based lubricants, or using oil as a lubricant, can cause the condom to break.^{[36]
    X
    Research source}
5
Talk about sex.^{[37]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.} People who can talk about sex have better sex lives.^{[38]
X
Research source
Davis, Shaver, Widaman, Vernon, Follette, & Beitz. (2006). “I can’t get no satisfaction”: Insecure attachment, inhibited sexual communication, and sexual dissatisfaction. Personal Relationships 15(4), 465-483.}^{[39]
X
Research source
Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 180-189.} Be assertive with your partner about your needs.^{[40]
X
Research source
Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.}
- This communication is also important if you are talking to your friends. People who can talk about sex socially are more likely to be able to discuss safe sex with their partners.^{[41]
  X
  Research source
  Boyer, C. B., Shafer, M. A., Wibbelsman, C. J., Seeberg, D., Teitle, E., & Loveil, N. (2000). Associations of sociodemographic, psychosocial, and behavioral factors with sexual risk and sexually transmitted diseases in teen clinic patients. Journal of Adolescent Health, 27, 102-111}
- Don’t be afraid to let your partner in on details about your attitudes and feelings toward sex.^{[42]
  X
  Research source
  Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 180-189.} Tell your partner what feels good to you.^{[43]
  X
  Research source} Frame requests in a positive way, such as, "I like when you touch me there." And don’t be afraid to ask what your partner wants and what he or she likes, too.
6
Start foreplay before you get to the bedroom. Your sexual relationship will be more exciting if you engage in foreplay well before you actually have sex. Physical touching, smiling, laughing and other activities make both of you feel loved, safe and aroused.
- Try giving each other massages, hugs and kisses even when you’re not having sex.
- Send a sexy text to your partner.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I start being intimate again?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Take your time to find someone who makes you feel comfortable and safe. If you're feeling pressure to have sex again, pause and ask yourself why you want to be intimate. If you're not sure, you can always wait. You'll feel much better when you're totally sure you're ready.
Question

How can I stop being anxious about sex?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Take things slowly so you feel comfortable. Don't try to rush with sex because it's okay to take your time.