How to Make Sex Better

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 28, 2023 References

Is sex not as fun as you want it to be? Is it even kind of painful? Having sex is great for your health and your relationship, and there are all kinds of things you can do to make it better. To help you out, we've pulled experts' top tips and techniques for better sex. Keep reading to learn how to spice things up in the bedroom and increase your sex drive so you can start having the best sex ever.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Setting up for Success

1
Use safer sex practices. It can be easier to relax and enjoy yourself if you feel confident that you are practicing safer sex. With this in mind, make a plan to make your sex life as safe as possible. If you can, before you have sex, get to know your partner, and talk openly about your sexual histories. Use a condom or dental dam every time you have sex, and for the complete act.^{[1]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419}
- Only latex and polyurethane condoms protect against STIs and HIV. Polyurethane condoms may break more easily than latex. Use a condom any time you have vaginal, anal, or oral sex.^{[2]
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  Research source} A dental dam is a latex barrier that you can use when performing oral sex with a female partner. It can help prevent the spread of STIs and HIV. ^{[3]
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- Females should also consider getting the HPV vaccine to help prevent problems like genital warts and cervical cancer.^{[4]
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  Research source} HPV vaccines may cause fainting or allergic reactions in some people, so talk with your doctor about whether the vaccine is right for you.^{[5]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
  Go to source}
2
Love the body you're in. Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed of your body can make sex needlessly uncomfortable. If you struggle with body image issues that are negatively affecting your sex life, then make it a priority to rectify what you can and accept what you cannot. Accepting your body is key to a happy self and the first step to better sex life.
- Try looking at yourself in the mirror and make it a point to find a new positive about yourself each day.^{[6]
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- You can also make it a point to get to know your own body in a sexual way. People with vaginas who masturbate have significantly more sexual satisfaction than those who do not ^{[7]
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  Hurlbert, D. F., & Whittaker, K. E. (1991). The role of masturbation in marital and sexual satisfaction: A comparative study of female masturbators and nonmasturbators. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 17(4), 272-282} Knowing what feels good for yourself will help you communicate your needs to your partner.
3
Communicate openly with your partner. Communication with your partner will improve your sexual satisfaction and help with your intimacy.^{[8]
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Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., Widaman, K. F., Vernon, M. L., Follette, W. C., & Beitz, K. (2006). “I can't get no satisfaction”: Insecure attachment, inhibited sexual communication, and sexual dissatisfaction. Personal Relationships,13(4), 465-483}^{[9]
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Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self‐disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180-189}^{[10]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419} It can be hard to establish and maintain open communication with your partner, especially if you aren't comfortable with sex and what you want. Think about what you can say and still feel comfortable and safe.
- No matter how well you may think you know each other, your partner isn't a mind reader. If there is something you want to change about your sex life, then it's important to talk about it. If your partner is really committed to you, then they will be willing to listen and respect your needs.^{[11]
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- Communicating your sexual needs can even be a good bonding experience for you and your partner.^{[12]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
4
Reveal what you like. You need to be open with your partner about your attitudes and feelings towards having sex. You should also make a point of asking your partner what they want and what they like. Being shy or coy will only make your partner feel self-conscious, which can make the experience worse for both of you. Let yourself enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let your partner see that you're enjoying it too.^{[13]
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Research source
Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self‐disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180-189}
- Don't judge your partner for what they like. It can be scary for both of you to divulge that kind of information, so listen to them without interrupting. If your partner likes something that you are not comfortable with, let them know that you are not interested in it without making them feel weird or bad about their desires.^{[14]
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- Avoid using euphemisms when possible. These are not clear, and can make it harder for your partner to understand you. Use language that you're comfortable with, but remember that sex is not "wrong" or "dirty," and using terminology that is clear and communicative is helpful.^{[15]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
5
Let your partner know what isn't working. There are times when something you try in the bedroom isn't working. Instead of placing the blame on anyone, use "I" statements to express what is unsatisfying about the experience for you. If you are more honest about the things you don't like, you can fix them. This can only make the sex better.
- For example, tell your partner, "I feel as if the sex is too rushed. What can we do to fix this?" This statement communicates the problem you are having with the sex but doesn't place the blame on anyone. Instead, it shows that it is something that you can work on together.^{[16]
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- Frame things positively when possible, such as "I really enjoy when you do ____ and would like that to happen more often" or "Such-and-such really works better for me than so-and-so -- can we try that instead?"^{[17]
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6
Pay attention to your partner. See their pleasure as your goal line. Of course, it's important for you to get what you're looking for from a sexual relationship too, but you should start by setting a good example. The better you make them feel, the more they’re going to want to rise to the challenge. The key to good sex is to make sure that you're processing and acknowledging your partner's reactions to the experience.
- When you see your partner wince, stop. You might be hurting them. When you hear your partner moan, repeat the motion you just did because it probably feels really good. Most importantly, pay attention throughout sex to make sure that your partner is mutually interested in everything you are doing.
- Stop immediately if they say “no.”
- Remember that just because your partner doesn't say "no" doesn't mean that they are comfortable with the situation. Consent is an ongoing process. After all, your goal is to get a resounding “yes!” from the both of you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Mastering the Act

1
Ditch the porn stereotypes. Porn is like all other movies: they do not reflect reality. Porn is shot and set up to look good on camera, but it usually doesn't reflect what actually feels good or what a real sexual encounter looks like.
- Try to go in with no expectations. Just let things go naturally.^{[18]
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2
Take your time to enjoy it. You want to enjoy every minute of the entire experience. It shouldn't be a "get-in-get-out" operation. Enjoy the whole sexual experience. Pay attention to your partner's erogenous zones and spend time pleasuring them. Slow down and explore your partner's whole body. Don't just go for the clichè parts.
- You can also play games with one another to liven up the experience. Always focus on connection and keeping them guessing to make sex interesting.
- Make a point to keep kissing. Returning for a sexy make-out every now and again can be a great way to draw out the experience.
3
Focus on foreplay. Before jumping right to the main event, spend some time kissing, caressing, and pleasing one another. Foreplay can make sex last longer and feel more sensual and romantic. Many females especially find that foreplay is helpful in getting them in the right mood, whereas male may be more ready to go at any moment.
- It's in your best interest to get your lady in the mood. It will increase her natural lubrication and make her enjoy sex more.^{[19]
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4
Keep the compliments flowing. You should make sure that your partner never doubts for a moment that you think they are pretty much the hottest thing on the planet, maybe even the hottest thing for the next couple planets. When you see something you like, let your partner know.
- You don't always have to say it, but take time to enjoy it. Let your partner see you enjoying their body too.
5
Use proper lubrication. Personal lubrication products can significantly improve sexual satisfaction.^{[20]
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Research source
Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Hensel, D., Sanders, S., Jozkowski, K., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2011). Association of lubricant use with women's sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: A prospective daily diary study. The journal of sexual medicine, 8(1), 202-212}^{[21]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419} Using quality lubricants is very important to good sex, especially if your partner is female or if you are having anal/penetrative sex. Sexual interactions involve a lot of friction and, most of the time, friction is good. However, it also has its downsides, such as chafing and discomfort. You can buy lubricants at many local stores and pharmacies as well as online. You can also get them through your doctor or a sexual health clinic.^{[22]
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- Choose lubricant products without the ingredient glycerin, which leads to vaginal dryness. Avoid using scented products or other materials that could cause vaginal dryness, including douches, hand lotions, soaps, or bath oils. To use lubricants correctly, follow the manufacturer's instructions.^{[23]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- There are three types of lubrication, water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based. Water-based lubricants rinse off easily, and are easy to find in stores. ^{[24]
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  Research source} They can also be used with condoms, can prevent the condom from breaking^{[25]
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  Research source}, and produce fewer genital symptoms than silicone-based lubricants.^{[26]
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  Research source
  Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Hensel, D., Sanders, S., Jozkowski, K., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2011). Association of lubricant use with female sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: A prospective daily diary study. The journal of sexual medicine, 8(1), 202-212}
- Silicone-based lubricants last longer than other lubricants and are the best choice for anal sex.^{[27]
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  Research source} Oil-based lubricants should never be used with latex condoms because they can cause the condom to break. ^{[28]
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6
Make some noise. When you are having sex, try to make some noises of appreciation for your partner. Of course, you don't want to go over the top, but making some basic moans and gasps lets your partner know not only when something feels good, but when your partner should do more of it. It also tells the other person that you're enjoying the experience. This will heighten their enjoyment and also encourage your partner to put in more effort.
- A recent study reveals that partners who make noise during sex tend to have better sex. So just do what feels natural and if you feel like making noise, let it loose.^{[29]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Try New Things

1
Indulge in your fantasies. You don't need to go full blown over the top with the things you like in bed, but some basic kink can really add variety and interest to your sex life. The problem is that sex can easily become routine, especially when you've been with someone for a while. To keep it great or make it better, you want to break up the monotony. Nothing says "goodbye monotony" like silk blindfolds, fuzzy handcuffs, and a fun game of Bad Cop.
- You should also experiment with sex toys. Including sexual materials in your sex life can improve your satisfaction and most sex toys can be pleasurable for both partners.^{[30]
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  Research source
  Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419}
- Other sexual materials also might help create some sparks in your love life. Do some research and see what you might be missing out on.
- Lots of people have very specific sexual fantasies that they are too embarrassed to share with their partners. If you feel comfortable enough with your partner, then share your fantasies with one another.^{[31]
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2
Keep things unpredictable. You might know just what to do to make your partner orgasm instantly, but that doesn't mean you should. Sex should happen organically and feel spontaneous. If you and your partner have sex at the same time every day or night, then it's time to mix things up.
- Incorporate variation in the positions you use, where you have sex, who's in control, and what extras you use.^{[32]
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3
Try a new position. Changing sex positions can improve sexual satisfaction.^{[33]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419} It can make you and your partner feel better to try new things. There are positions which offer more control to and increase your partner’s pleasure.
- If you and your partner are male and female, you could try side by side positions. If one or both of you have back or joint pain, or if there is discomfort due to penis size, side by side positions can offer more control and comfort. Both partners will be laying on their side facing the same direction for these positions. There are many variations so find what works best for you.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Getting Outside Help

1
Find some resources. You can find inspiration from erotic stories -- many's the woman who has thrilled to 50 Shades of Grey -- but it can also be a good idea to consult some "how-to" manuals on how to improve your sex life. Look for books written by sex experts. It can also be helpful to look for resources that are geared toward where you are in life; there are resources available for LGBTQ individuals, older individuals, etc.^{[34]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy recommends the "Better Sex" video series by the Sinclair Institute.^{[35]
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2
See your doctor. Some causes of sexual dysfunction have medical causes, especially for people with penises. Erectile dysfunction, for example, is commonly caused by conditions such as heart disease, high blood pressure, or obesity, although stress can also cause it.^{[36]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} If you're experiencing physical problems that are interfering with your sex life, talk to your doctor.
- Many conditions that cause sexual dysfunction are very treatable. Don't feel embarrassed about going to your physician; sex issues are very common and your doctor likely deals with them all the time.^{[37]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
3
Consult an expert. Sometimes, a couple has issues with their sex life that they can't seem to solve on their own. This is perfectly natural. If you continue having sexual problems, seeing a couple therapist who specializes in sex therapy can help. A sex therapist (or couple therapist with sex therapy training) knows what kinds of questions to ask to help you and your partner(s) of you discover what may be causing your issues in the bedroom.^{[38]
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- It can be immensely embarrassing to talk to a stranger about your sex life, but sex therapists are held to the same rules of confidentiality as all mental health professionals. They're there to help you, and will not judge you or discuss your issues with anyone else.

Warnings

Remember that birth control does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, and is not 100% effective in preventing unplanned pregnancies.

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No sex is 100% safe, but safer sex practices such as having open conversations about your sexual history and using condoms every time greatly reduce your risk.

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The BDSM community tends to hate 50 Shades of Grey. You should take advice from non-fiction, not fiction, anyway.

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