How to Try Mutual Masturbation

Co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: December 6, 2022 References

Maybe you’re socially distancing, easing into more close-contact forms of sex, or just eager to try something new to spice up your sex life. Whatever the case, mutual masturbation is a fun and safe way to get intimate with a partner, and it’s also really versatile! Whether you’re lying in the same bed or connecting over a webcam, there are all sorts of exciting ways to get hands-on together.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

In Person

1
Talk to your partner about what you want. Whenever you try new things with your partner, get warmed up by talking about it first. Not only is this a good way to make sure you’re both on the same page, but it can also get you both hot and bothered and ready to have some fun!^{[1]
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- Be clear about what you want so that your partner knows what to expect and can let you know if they’re into it, too.
- For example, you might say, “You’re so gorgeous, I’d love to watch you play with yourself. Would that be okay with you?” or “Can we try touching each other until we both come? I think that would be so hot.”
2
Get vulnerable by touching yourselves in front of each other. Mutual masturbation can mean either touching each other, or touching yourselves—together! There are few things as exciting and intimate as pleasuring yourself in front of your lover or watching them pleasure themselves. If you’re not quite ready to lend them a hand, try doing a solo act in front of them or watching them while they masturbate.^{[2]
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- One awesome thing about going solo together is that it’s a great way for you to learn what feels good to your partner, and vice versa. Ask them to pay close attention to what you’re doing so they’ll know what to do next time they get handsy with you. Don’t forget to return the favor and keep a close eye on their technique as well!^{[3]
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- To ramp up the excitement, turn it into a game. For example, you might challenge yourselves to see if you can both come at the same time.
- If you’re too shy to jump right into putting on a show for each other, ease into it slowly. You could start by doing it with the lights off or under the covers until you’re both comfortable enough to be totally exposed.^{[4]
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3
Masturbate each other if you want to get more hands-on. If you feel like you’re both ready, then try touching your partner and letting them touch you. This is a great way for you to get to know each other’s bodies and learn what works for both of you while having some safe and intimate fun.^{[5]
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- Take it slow and be gentle with your partner, especially while you’re still figuring each other out. Remember, you’re dealing with some very sensitive areas!
- Even if you’re touching each other instead of yourselves, you can still take this as a mutual teaching and learning opportunity. For example, if your partner is giving you a hand job, you can put your own hand over theirs and guide their movements.
4
Mix it up with some different positions. When you’re fooling around together, you don’t always have to do it the same way. Try different things to see what gets you going. For example, you could:^{[6]
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- Lie down side by side, facing one another or on your backs. This is a good starting position, since it gives you the option to just gaze into each other’s eyes if you’re not ready to peek at what’s going on downstairs. You can either take care of yourselves or reach across to touch each other.
- Straddle your partner while they lie on their back, and lower yourself down onto their belly or chest. Have fun riding them while you both get busy with yourselves. Or, switch places and try it with your partner on top.
- Have your partner sit or lie down with their legs spread, then climb into their lap, facing away from them (or vice versa). Whoever is on top may need to shift their butt to one side so the person on the bottom can easily reach between their legs.
- If you both like to watch (and show off), sit facing each other with your legs spread on a bed or couch. Then, the two of you can get off in full view of one another.
5
Bring toys into the mix to add excitement. If you’ve been curious about trying sex toys, this is a great time to do it. Grab a wand vibrator, a dildo, a Fleshlight, or whatever else strikes your fancy. Use your favorite toy on yourself or show your partner how you like it so they can help you out—and then you can return the favor.^{[7]
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- If you’re concerned about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), avoid swapping toys with your partner.^{[8]
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  National Health Service (UK)
  Public healthcare system of the UK
  Go to source} If you really want to let them try one of your toys, clean and disinfect it according to the manufacturer’s directions, and wrap it up with a condom or other barrier before every use.^{[9]
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6
Do roleplay or live out a sexual fantasy for extra fun. Masturbating with a partner is already a lot of fun, but you can make it even more exciting by adding an element of fantasy.^{[10]
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Research source} Take turns talking about a scenario you’re both into, or even act it out. Just make sure to set boundaries ahead of time so you both know what you’re comfortable with.^{[11]
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- For instance, maybe you’re into the idea of a threesome, but don’t want to actually go there. Talk it through with your partner while you touch yourselves or each other. Describe what you imagine might happen during your ideal encounter.
- If you want extra help, watch a porno together. Pick one with a scenario you both like and get immersed in it while you have fun together.
- Don’t be afraid to try a little dirty talk! Saying naughty things to your partner can really get you both going.^{[12]
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  Jacqueline Hellyer
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  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
7
Communicate with your partner about what you’re feeling.^{[13]
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Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Whatever kind of sex you’re having, good communication is always key! Let your partner know whether you like what they’re doing, and don’t forget to check in and ask how they’re feeling.^{[14]
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- If something feels really good, don’t hold back—not only will it help your partner learn what you like, but they’ll probably also be super turned on by your sexual pleasure.
- For instance, when your partner is touching you, say things like “Mmm, that feels so good, keep going,” or “Hey, can you slow down a little?”
- Ask them things like, “Is this good?” or “Is it okay if I touch you here?”
8
Wash your hands or use a barrier to keep it safe. Mutual masturbation is one of the safest forms of sex out there, but it can still be a little risky. To minimize the risk of STIs or accidental pregnancy, always wash your hands with soap and water and dry them thoroughly between touching your own privates and your partner’s. Or, to be extra safe, you can use a condom or another barrier.^{[15]
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- For example, if you or your partner has a penis, put a condom on it. That way, you’re less likely to accidentally spread any semen or pre-ejaculate (precum) between you and your partner.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Remotely

1
Try phone sex if you’re shy about being on video. Phone sex is a classic for a reason—it’s safe while still feeling naughty, and it can also be sizzling hot. If you want to get intimate with someone without being seen, ask them if they’ll talk dirty to you over the phone.^{[16]
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Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} You can both talk, or one of you can take charge while the other just listens.^{[17]
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- Make sure your partner is cool with it before you try to initiate a spicy phone call. You might have a conversation with them about it ahead of time, or ask them at the beginning of the call if they’re up for some sexy fun.
2
Go for a video chat platform if you want visuals. Just talking or listening to your partner while you both masturbate can be really arousing, but being able to see each other adds an extra layer of excitement. If you want to watch and be watched, ask your partner if they’d be willing to join you for a steamy video chat. Just make sure to max out the privacy settings on whatever app you choose!^{[18]
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- To be as safe as possible, stick to doing video sex with people you trust, and let them know you’re not okay with them recording you or taking screenshots.
- You can also maximize your safety by using an encrypted chat platform, like Signal or FaceTime.
3
Create a comfortable environment for your sexy chat. Before you get busy with your partner over the phone or video chat, find a private place where you’ll be comfortable and nobody will interrupt you. Your bedroom is probably a good bet. You can even set the mood by dimming the lights and lighting a few candles.
- If you’re video chatting, remember that your partner will be able to see your space. Tidy up a bit so there aren’t any pizza boxes or dirty socks in the frame to spoil the mood!
- Soft, warm lighting creates a flattering and intimate look when you’re getting frisky on camera.^{[19]
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4
Put on a sexy outfit to get into the mood. Whether or not you can see each other, dressing up a little can help put you in the right mindset.^{[20]
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Research source} Break out your favorite sexy undies or put on an outfit that makes you feel extra hot.
- If you’re doing a video chat, ramp up the excitement by slowly stripping in front of the camera.
- You can even splash on a little perfume or cologne. Your partner won’t be able to smell it, but it can still help get you going.
5
Describe what you’re doing if you can’t see each other. You may not be able to see what’s going on, but don’t underestimate the power of a good description! As you pleasure yourself, talk to your partner about what you’re doing, and ask them to do the same. Get as explicit as you like, and don’t hold back if you want to moan, sigh, or make other sexy sounds.^{[21]
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- If you want, start by setting the stage. Say something like, “I’m in bed right now, just wearing my boxers. I just got out of the shower and I’m still all wet.”
- Talk about what you’re feeling as well as what you’re doing, since this will help make the experience more intimate. For example, you might say things like, “This feels so amazing,” or “I think I’m getting close.”
6
Talk about what you’d do if you were there in person. Masturbating over the phone or video chat can feel a little—well, distant. Create a sense of closeness by imagining that you’re together. Tell your partner what you’d like to be doing to them, or what you’d want them to do to you.
- For instance, you might say things like, “If you were here, I’d start by kissing your neck and slowly working my way down to your breasts.” Or, “What would you want to do right now if we were together?”
- This is a great opportunity to explore a fantasy with your partner. Get as creative as you want. You’re only limited by your imaginations!^{[22]
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