How to Role Play With Your Lover or Spouse

Set the stage for fun and excitement using this simple guide

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: December 14, 2022

Role playing with your partner can put a spark back into your relationship, and get you excited about your sex life again. Many people are afraid to role play because they are shy or embarrassed. You may find that this can actually be a fun and fulfilling experience. All you need to do is talk with your partner about your fantasies, plan out the evening, set the scene, and act out your desires. Make sure to keep things light and have fun!

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Picking Your Roles

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Share your erotic fantasies with your partner. Try lying in bed one night and ask your partner to share one of their sexual fantasies with you. Then, you can share yours. This is an excellent way to broach the subject of role playing and can be a sexy experience for both of you.^{[1]
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- If the thought of mentioning role playing to your partner in a face-to-face conversation is completely terrifying, then send your lover an email or text that details your erotic fantasy.
2
Pretend you have never met before. If this is your first time role playing with your partner, it is a good idea to keep it simple. Do not choose an elaborate role that requires a lot of “acting.” Instead, you could pretend that you are strangers who are meeting for the first time. Meet at a restaurant for dinner and then head to a hotel afterwards for a night of role playing fun!^{[2]
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Play with power dynamics. Choose roles that allow you to incorporate different power dynamics. This type of sexual role play is a common turn on for many people. For example, you could try Professor/Student, Doctor/Patient, or Police Officer/Criminal roles. In these types of scenarios you can incorporate mild punishment for any "naughty" behaviour.^{[3]
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4
Choose roles based on your favourite characters. Some people like to borrow ideas from their favourite fiction or television shows. These roles often require more elaborate costumes, but can be a lot of fun to play around with. Try acting out a sexy scene from Game of Thrones, or create your own erotic spin on stories like Harry Potter, Twilight, or any superhero movie.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Creating Boundaries

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Discuss why this role turns you on. Once you have decided on the roles you want to play, it is important that you and your partner discuss exactly what it is about this scenario that turns you both on. This will help to ensure that the fantasy plays out the way you want. For instance, a lot of people may have a student/teacher fantasy, but some people may be into a punishment scenario that involves rulers and spankings, while other people might be into plaid skirts and forbidden affairs.^{[4]
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Set your limits. Before you and your partner get lost in character, it is important that you both know what you are comfortable doing. This is especially true if you are playing with a punishment scenario. For example, you may find that a light spank turns you on, but choking is off the table. Alternatively, anal sex or certain sex toys may be off limits for you.^{[5]
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- Have an open and honest conversation with your partner.
- If you are shy about discussing these details in person, you could establish the rules electronically via email or text.
3
Establish a safe word. In order to ensure, that things don’t get carried away while role playing, you and your lover should establish a safe word prior to beginning. When this word is spoken it will bring the role play to a halt and signals that someone is uncomfortable with the situation. Choose a word that is not likely to come up naturally during the role play scenario.^{[6]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Setting the Scene

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Try costumes. Costumes can make it easier for you to get into character and may make your role play more authentic. Depending on the type of role play you will be engaging in, your costumes could range from sexy lingerie to more elaborate doctor and nurse outfits.^{[7]
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- It is best to keep it simple in the beginning. For example, you could wear a wig, or experiment with your make-up.
- Alternatively, you could grow or shave your facial hair, or wear an outfit that is not your traditional style.
- A small physical change can make you feel like someone different and will help you get lost in your character.
2
Add props. Certain props can also help you get into character while acting out your role. For instance, if you are pretending to go to a massage parlour, you could try lighting candles and playing soothing music. Alternatively, if you want to act out a police officer fantasy, you could use a pair of handcuffs.
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Pick a suitable location. The location can also help to set the mood. Try booking a hotel room for the night if you want to pretend that you and your partner are complete strangers just meeting for the first time. You may also feel more comfortable acting out a role if you are not in a familiar place. Alternatively, if you are trying a more elaborate role, you may want to use your own home so that you can decorate or include props to help set the scene.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Playing Your Roles

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Don’t put too much pressure on your acting. Remember, no one is judging your acting. You are likely going to be nervous in the beginning. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Try and stick with a role that you are familiar with so that the dialogue will come easily. For example, if you have worked as a nurse in the past, you may feel more comfortable role playing as a health care professional.^{[8]
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- If you are confident in your acting ability, you could try a more elaborate role and talk with an accent.
2
Acknowledge awkward moments and move on. When role playing for the first time, you are apt to break character and laugh a few times. This is okay and you should not let one slip up ruin the experience. Instead, laugh a little and then continue with the scenario. This nervous laughter will likely go away quite quickly.^{[9]
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Take it slow and don’t rush. You will likely find that with role playing the planning and anticipation can be just as sexy as the actual event. Enjoy the process and take things slowly.^{[10]
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Community Q&A

Question

I haven't been able to get him to role play rough with me. How do I get him to do that without freaking him out?

Community Answer

Start by easing him into it. Tell him that this is one of your fantasies and you would like to try it with him. For example, you could ask him to spank you and then see where it goes from there. Be open and honest with him.
Question

How do you get over the nervousness?

Community Answer

Nerves are very common because most people feel vulnerable even when they are acting as themselves during intimate moments. Try role playing with a scenario that is familiar to you. This way the "acting" won't be as difficult. If you break character that is fine, just move past it and keep going. The nerves will eventually leave.
Question

What if a women wants to make love to her hubby outside and wants him to undress her but she is insecure about her body and he isn't into making love outside even if people cant see what they do?

Community Answer

Ask your wife what it is about making love outside that turns her on? Perhaps it is the idea of possibly being watched or getting caught? If this is the case, you could try another semi-public space that is not outdoors, for example, a car. Alternatively, you could try a place that feels like the outdoors, but is actually inside. For example, a screened in porch, or tent.