The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Dominatrix

Take control and pleasure your partner with domineering role play

Are you ready to dive into the world of BDSM? Acting like a dominatrix is a great way to take control of another person’s pleasure while titillating them in the bedroom. With the right behavior, good communication, and some sexy props, you can both have a great time during your session.

Things You Should Know

  • A dominatrix is someone who is commanding in the bedroom. Their “sub,” or submissive, is the one who takes their orders.
  • Tell your sub what to do and give them commands during sex, like “stay still” or “sit down.”
  • Come up with a safe word that your sub can say if they ever need to stop or take a breather.
  • Wear a black leather bodysuit for a classic look, and use props like whips and blindfolds during sexual acts.
Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Establishing Boundaries

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    Set boundaries for yourself in the bedroom. A dominatrix is a woman who takes control in the bedroom, typically within the bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism (BDSM) scene.[1] Before you engage in any dominatrix play, think about what you’re comfortable with: what do you want to do in the bedroom? What do you want to say to your partner? Make sure you feel comfortable and in control at all times.
    • It's important to agree upon the menu of activities before you get started.
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    Talk to your partner about what they want. Before you even take things to the bedroom, have an open and honest discussion with your partner. Talk about their sexual desires as well as their boundaries so you can both have a good time.[2]
    • Many subs want to be held in a cocoon of their dom's attention where the whole world melts away. They don't need to think, worry, or make any decisions.
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    Choose a safe word with your partner. Typically, the submissive will have a code that tells the dominatrix when they need to stop or hold back. Ask your partner to come up with a safe word to let you know when to stop. For example, the word could be “purple” or “pineapple.”
    • If your partner does give you the safe word, always stop whatever you’re doing immediately and check in with them. They might just need a breather, or they might want to stop completely. Be sure to respect their boundaries no matter what.
    • If you are doing any sort of play that covers your partner’s mouth (meaning they can’t talk), come up with a safe code, like tapping their hand on the bed 3 times. That way, they can still communicate if they need to.
Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Practicing Ahead of Time

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    Come up with a list of phrases and commands to use. A lot of being a dominatrix is about what you do, but what you say and how you say it can be just as important.[3] Practice giving demands and speaking confidently. Watch videos of other dominatrixes if you want to get an idea of how they speak.
    • Word play is a huge component of domination. Make sure you’re comfortable giving your sub commands and telling them exactly what to do and when to do it.
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    Snag some sexy accessories. Accessories are a large part of BDSM. Talk to your partner about which accessories they’re interested in, then keep some on-hand to use. If you can’t buy anything new, you can turn items into accessories, like making handcuffs out of a belt. Common dominatrix accessories include:[4]
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    Test out the accessories by yourself first. It requires some learning to use accessories correctly. For example, it takes practice with a whip to give the desired level of pain on the skin of your partner without leaving wounds. Practice with your accessories and learn about them before fully using them.[5]
    • Don't use too much power. Getting carried away could lead to injury.
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    Ask a dominatrix to mentor you. This isn’t necessary if you are acting out with your partner, although you may want to pick up tips from videos or books. If you truly want to become a dominatrix, having someone show you the ropes can be very helpful. Your mentor can teach you how to protect yourself, negotiate, and even teach you some behaviors.[6]
Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Looking the Part

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    Get the attire that you feel most confident wearing. A full-bodied cat-suit is a mainstay of fetish and bondage culture. Make sure your suit is made from leather or rubber latex. If suits aren’t your thing, find some sexy, black dresses or lingerie. Your partner also may request for you to wear a certain outfit.[7]
    • There's a difference between a dominant lifestyle and fetishism, but the skin tight black bodysuit remains an iconic garment in both communities.
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    Invest in high heels. Thigh-high stiletto boots are commonly worn by dominatrixes. Like the cat-suit, these boots represent dominatrix attire to mainstream culture. Or, wear platform boots or stilettos. If you can’t (or don’t want to) wear heels, go for flat black boots instead.[8]
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    Wear a corset. A corset is a close-fitting undergarment (often worn as outerwear) that helps shape your body. A bondage corset has become a staple in fetish wear. If you aren't a fan of a corset, try a bustier instead. Wear it with lingerie or over a dress rather than under a cat-suit.[9]
    • Corsets and bustiers aren’t strictly necessary, but they do help add to the overall look (which can make you feel more confident).
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    Add accents with other accessories, like stockings. Fishnet stockings or garter stockings are some staple accessories that pair well with dresses and lingerie. You can also wear gloves that are finger-less or elbow length. If concealing part of your identity helps your confidence, wear a mask that conceals part of your face.[10]
    • Keep a few accessories around and try out which ones feel good for you. Many dominatrixes rotate through their outfits.
Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Playing the Part

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    Be confident in the bedroom. You can’t dominate another person unless you are able to take control of the situation.[11] Focus on the fact that you are in charge. Don’t be afraid to say or do anything, as long as your partner is okay with it.
    • For example, you may feel shy about demanding your partner to be quiet or sit down at first, but don’t be, unless they tell you they are uncomfortable.
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    Show that you're in charge. Remember, you hold all of the power, so maintaining good posture subconsciously lets your partner know that you are in charge. Stand straight and hold your head up high.
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    Be attentive to your partner’s needs. Boss your partner around and stay in control, but be responsive to what they ask for. Along with being responsive, know when to stop if your partner looks like they’re in pain. Some minor pain may be desired, but the partner should not be truly hurt.
    • Check in with your partner if you aren’t sure. Ask them things like, “How are you feeling?” or, “Do you want to stop?”
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    Work to fulfill your sub's desires and give them pleasure. Above all else, being a dom is an act of service—it is not about the dom and their pleasure, but rather the sub and their pleasure. Have a conversation with your sub so you have a clear understanding of what they do and don't want. Then, work off a list of desires from the sub (and anything else that they have confirmed is within bounds).
    • Make sure that your partner is always comfortable with what you're doing. If you don't agree on what to do beforehand or pay attention to how much your sub is enjoying their experience, you're not dominating them—you're just harming them.

Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you be a good Dom?
    Shelby Devlin, MA
    Shelby Devlin, MA
    Sex & Intimacy Coach
    Shelby Devlin is a Sex & Intimacy Coach based in San Francisco, California. She has over 7 years of experience guiding individuals and couples in deepening their capacity for intimacy and pleasure. Shelby specializes in BDSM therapy, D/s, and fetish exploration. She earned an MA in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University and is certified in the Somatic Method, an experiential therapy modality. Shelby is also a certified massage therapist (CMT) and an associate practitioner of Ortho bionomy. She has a 5-star coaching rating.
    Shelby Devlin, MA
    Shelby Devlin, MA
    Sex & Intimacy Coach
    Expert Answer
    Being able to communicate before, during, and after a scene is really important. It's also important to be able to keep your own boundaries, understand other people's boundaries, and notice when people are beyond their boundaries by not speaking up.

Warnings

  • Always respect your partner’s boundaries, and stop when they use the designated code word.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽

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Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about being a dominatrix, check out our in-depth interview with Shelby Devlin, MA.

References

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201410/sexually-dominant-women-and-the-men-who-desire-them-part-i
  2. ↑ https://cafemom.com/lifestyle/150442-reallife_dominatrix_tells_how_to/105231-word_play
  3. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a50447/dominatrix-what-its-really-like/
  4. ↑ https://dangerouslilly.com/2017/05/beginners-guide-bdsm-toys/
  5. ↑ http://thestir.cafemom.com/love/150442/reallife_dominatrix_tells_how_to/105232/accessorize/3
  6. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a50447/dominatrix-what-its-really-like/
  7. ↑ https://fashionista.com/2012/07/style-advice-from-a-dominatrix-mistress-tetra-on-her-most-requested-shoe-how-to-break-in-a-corset-and-the-importance-of-lubing-up-before-wearing-latex
  8. ↑ https://fashionista.com/2012/07/style-advice-from-a-dominatrix-mistress-tetra-on-her-most-requested-shoe-how-to-break-in-a-corset-and-the-importance-of-lubing-up-before-wearing-latex
  9. ↑ https://fashionista.com/2012/07/style-advice-from-a-dominatrix-mistress-tetra-on-her-most-requested-shoe-how-to-break-in-a-corset-and-the-importance-of-lubing-up-before-wearing-latex
  1. ↑ https://fashionista.com/2012/07/style-advice-from-a-dominatrix-mistress-tetra-on-her-most-requested-shoe-how-to-break-in-a-corset-and-the-importance-of-lubing-up-before-wearing-latex.
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201410/sexually-dominant-women-and-the-men-who-desire-them-part-i

About This Article

Shelby Devlin, MA
Co-authored by:
Shelby Devlin, MA
Sex & Intimacy Coach
This article was co-authored by Shelby Devlin, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Shelby Devlin is a Sex & Intimacy Coach based in San Francisco, California. She has over 7 years of experience guiding individuals and couples in deepening their capacity for intimacy and pleasure. Shelby specializes in BDSM therapy, D/s, and fetish exploration. She earned an MA in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University and is certified in the Somatic Method, an experiential therapy modality. Shelby is also a certified massage therapist (CMT) and an associate practitioner of Ortho bionomy. She has a 5-star coaching rating. This article has been viewed 1,506,592 times.
11 votes - 82%
Co-authors: 59
Updated: February 1, 2023
Views: 1,506,592
Categories: Sexual Activity
Article SummaryX

To act like a dominatrix, practice giving demands and speaking confidently, which you can see demonstrated in videos of other dominatrixes if you need to. Then make and rehearse a routine so you can act naturally when the time comes. This should including purchasing and learning to use accessories. Whips, especially, need a good amount of practice to use safely while still causing enough pain. Even after you have practiced for a while, pay attention to your partner and stop if they ever seem uncomfortable or in pain. If you want to learn how to dress like a dominatrix, keep reading the article!

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