How to Know if a Girl is the One for You

Co-authored by Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

You know this girl or you're dating this girl and it's going great. She really seems pretty wonderful...but is she wonderful enough? Is she the girl that you want to devote all of your attention to...maybe forever? This is a complicated question but by focusing on what's most important to you, you can begin to think through your situation and find the right answer.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Looking for a Good Person

1
Look for someone who is kind. One of the most important things when looking for the girl for you is making sure that your girl is kind. A sassy attitude is one thing but someone who does not care about the feelings of others won't be able to sustain a healthy relationship for very long.
- Also kind to others. It's important that she's not just kind to you. She should also be kind to others, especially people that she doesn't have to be nice to (like service workers). It's easy enough for someone to fake being nice when they think that it's important, but being rude to people they don't care about should tip you off that you're one fight away from her being rude to you too.
- This also means that she should be fair. Fairness is very important in relationships. Does she offer to pay for things every now and again? Does she split chores and relationship responsibilities evenly? This shows that she thinks about your well being, which is key in a relationship.
2
Look for someone who works hard. You want to be with someone who's willing to work for what they want in life. They should push themselves, at least occasionally. When someone works hard, that means that they will be stable and that there will be fewer chances for things to go wrong.
- For example, if she wants to buy a purse, she should be selling some of her old stuff. She should not just expect you or her parents to just buy it for her. Birthdays and gift holidays are obvious exceptions, however.
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3
Expect a girl with good values and priorities. Having a girl with good values and priorities is very important in relationships. Her values and priorities don't have to match up with what's traditionally considered good but they should match up with your value system and your priorities. There are occasional exceptions though. Your girl should definitely:
- Be honest. Honesty is incredibly important in relationships, no matter what kind of people you are and what kind of relationship you have. Relationships require trust and if she isn't honest with you, then you can only expect problems in the future.^{[1]
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- Accept people for who they are, including you. If your girl is judgmental of others, it could only be a matter of time before she's judging you too. If she is judgmental of you or constantly seeks to change who you are or what you look like, you deserve better and she is probably not the one for you.^{[2]
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4
Look for a girl who creates an environment of trust, free of judgement. When you're around her, you should feel like you're in a place where you can be honest. You should feel like you can be yourself around her. You should feel like you can cry, be really dorky, and should make you feel like you can do all of the things that you don't normally do in front of other people.
- For example, if you tell her something deeply personal (like you think you're depressed or that you want to be an astronaut), her response should not be to laugh at you or shut you down. She should try to help you, or at least not discourage you, even if she doesn't agree.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Looking for a Good Partner

1
Pay attention to how she makes you feel. How she makes you feel is an important factor in deciding if she's the one. You should feel better when you're with her, about yourself and about life. You should feel more confident and happy. You should miss her when she's gone. She should not make you feel weak or stupid. She shouldn't make you feel anxious or worried about saying or doing the wrong thing all the time. Being with her should feel natural and good.
- Some people like to be with someone who makes them feel bad, angry, or excited in bad ways. That's okay for short term flings but it's usually a good sign that someone is not the "one" for you. Relationships like that rarely work in the long term and you're signing yourself up for too much trouble to consider the girl to be the one for you.
2
Want a girl who makes you a better person. When we're in relationships, we should be with someone who makes us better. If you're with someone who makes you a worse person, then what's the point, right? Think about whether this girl makes you better. If she does, that can be a huge sign that she's the one for you.^{[3]
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- Does she encourage you do improve yourself and your life? Does she find ways to help you achieve your goals? Does she make you want better things for your future? Does she make you want to work hard? These are all good things.
3
Look for a girl who puts as much effort into the relationship as you do. When two people are in a relationship, they should both be willing to invest equally in making the relationship as good and fulfilling as possible. If she wants you to do everything and make all sorts of changes but isn't willing to doing anything herself, that's not a very good sign. But if she is willing to put as much effort in as you, then that's a sign that things can really work.
- For example, she should occasionally plan dates for the two of you, instead of you always having to come up with everything.
- This doesn't mean that she has to be super active in the relationship. If you're both relaxed in your approach to being together, that's fine too. The more important thing is that your attitudes and needs are the same.
4
Pay attention to how she shows her appreciation. You don't want to be with someone who takes you for granted. Pay attention to if she thanks you or shows her gratitude in some way when you do something nice for her. You should also try to notice if she does nice things for you on occasion, just to show how much she cares about you.
- Even if the things she does for you are small, that's okay. Not everyone has time or money to make big gestures. But doing small things, like making your favorite meal or writing you a love note, shows that she thinks about you and wants to show you how much you mean to her.
5
Expect that she's willing to share responsibility. If you two are older and have living situations of your own, like an apartment or house, you should notice if she's willing to split chores and finances evenly or at least fairly. This shows that she is fair, hard working, and honest. If she's not willing to contribute in her own way, then she will probably be too much of a burden in the long run.
- Sometimes splitting things fairly might not mean splitting them evenly. For example, if you're sharing an apartment, you shouldn't split the rent down the middle. Instead, each person should only be contributing about 30% of their income, which is considered the financially responsible amount. That means if you make $4000 a month and she makes $1600 a month, you should be contributing $1200 and she should be contributing about $500.
6
Consider finding someone who balances you out. Having things in common is very important in a partner. You want to be with someone who's similar to you in certain ways. However, there is something to be said for being with someone who's different in certain ways too. This lets you contribute to the relationship equally simply by being yourselves.
- For example, maybe you're organized but shy and she's spacey but outgoing. She can help you learn to be more social and you can help her keep her life in order.
7
Look for someone who fights fair. Fights in relationships happen. This is normal and can be a sign of a healthy relationship. However, you want someone who fights with you in a fair way. She shouldn't insult you or go for the low blow: that is a serious sign of disrespect. She also shouldn't blackmail you into getting her way. Instead, you want to look for a girl who is willing to have a discussion until you can both come to a compromise.^{[4]
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- For example, she shouldn't bring up your father's drinking problem every time you fight about you staying out late. That is unfair to you and has little impact on the problem in your relationship.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Looking for a Kindred Spirit

1
Look for a girl who shares your interests. You want someone with whom you can do activities, so you'll easily be able to spend time together. You want someone who you can have a conversation with. Choosing a girl with similar interests is crucial in making sure that neither of these things are a problem in the future.
- You start your relationship with things in common or you can build common interests over time. Try taking up new hobbies together in order to build new interests. One good example of a hobby to try as a couple is learning a language.You can find free language classes online or you can take a course at your local community center or school.
2
Want someone who shares your value and priorities. The person who you choose to be with should share your values and priorities. This is one of the defining features of someone who is right for you.^{[5]
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Research source} They don't need to be the "normal" values or priorities, but they should be the same as yours. This will prevent tension and conflict as you go through a relationship.
- For example, if she's a hardcore conservative and you're very liberal, you're going to encounter a lot of philosophical differences that can, over time, make you respect each other less.
- However, if you can find common ground even between different values and priorities, you can sometimes make it work. You see this, for example, in couples with different religions. One might be Jewish and one might be Christian, but they're both devout in their love to God and that is enough for them. Sometimes the fundamental belief is more important than the details.
3
Look for a girl that has similar goals. You should have similar goals in life, if you plan on making this a very long-term relationship. It's okay for specific goals to change over time but the broad strokes should match up. This is because your goals will put you on a particular path in life, just like hers will determine her path. If your paths diverge, the relationship will be very difficult or even impossible.
- For example, it's okay if she doesn't plan on pursuing higher education if that is something that is also unimportant to you. However, if education and ambition are things that are important to you, you will find your relationship filled with challenges.
4
Find a girl who understands your friends and has good friends herself. The two of you won't be the only players in this relationship. The relationships that you have with other people often play a major role in making a romantic relationship work. You want a girl who can interact with and respect your friends. Similarly, her friends should be people that you can coexist with.^{[6]
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- For example, if her friends are really catty and always try to get her to spend less time with you, you should expect that there will be a very bumpy road ahead of you.
- You'll have to determine what you want to do about this kind of problem. If these problems weigh too heavily on your relationship and she isn't willing to work on the problem, you might need to consider someone else. Certainly, you should talk to her about it and see what kind of solution the two of you can create though.
5
Consider a girl who has a similar background or experiences. Now, this isn't a requirement to a happy relationship, but it can certainly be a major added bonus. People that grew up in similar environments or have done similar sorts of things in their life tend to understand each other better, think in similar ways, and have more to bond over. If your girl's life looks much like your own, it can make certain things easier in your relationship.
- For example, maybe you both grew up with difficult siblings or family members. While someone who didn't might have a hard time understanding why you don't want to go home for the holidays, someone who did might be perfectly happy to make your holiday happier by keeping it just the two of you.

Expert Q&A

Question

What are some of the top traits in couples who have long-term compatibility?

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops. Michelle is also a certified Enneagram teacher, has presented at the 25th annual International Enneagram Conference, and is a graduate of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy – Advanced Level. She received an MS in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University.

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

A great friendship in relationships is important and helps with compatibility! This means laughing together, and doing activities together that both of you enjoy. It also means having fun together - sometimes this means setting up “date nights” or “date days” where you can just enjoy each other’s company. Making time to cultivate your friendship helps with connection and bonding, thereby contributing to great long-term compatibility. Additionally, couples with less rigidity and more flexibility also have a tendency to work out better. These couples tend to be more willing to compromise, which creates a good-feeling atmosphere in the relationship. Rather than getting stuck in power struggles, these couples manage the differences between them in a more seamless way, rather than getting stuck in power struggles. Finally, couples who demonstrate that they care how each other feels contributes to great long-term compatibility. Expressing care, compassion, comfort, and support when your partner is suffering are all strong relationship builders!
Question

My love for each and every girl disappears after two weeks or so. Why?

Community Answer

Maybe it is because you rush things too much. Take more time to know them. Ask them about how they feel.
Question

How should I approach a girl for the first time?

Community Answer

Perhaps you could ask her if she needs help with anything. Then she'll see how nice you are.

Warnings

Do not pretend to be someone you are not, just be yourself.

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Compliments are good, but make sure that they're not always on how sexy she is. While most girls enjoy being told that they're sexy in the heat of the moment, constantly commenting on her body will make her feel like a sexual object, rather than a girlfriend or future wife.

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When you get to know a woman, especially someone you might think is "the one", you want to Truly engage in real conversations, and that requires listening. Avoid talking about yourself incessantly. Ask her questions that you'd only be able to ask by knowing new information she revealed in her conversation. If you're not sure of what to ask, simply ask her how she felt at a specific time in her story or anecdote, and why she felt that way. She will appreciate that you understand her.

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Try to avoid women who like to get excessive attention; they are often shallow and manipulative, and almost always insecure.

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If you are young, don't rush into the intimate part of the relationship.

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Women are used to men putting on a different persona around females they are attracted to, so do not "act" any differently around the girl. Stay true to how you are around everyone else. Tease her, flirt with her - but hold nothing back. Most importantly, enjoy being in your own skin and being in her company. Women will know when you are a genuine person by demonstrating confidence, and there's nothing sexier than a man who knows who he is and what he wants.

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Depending on how old you are, this could be your future wife so pick wisely.

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Do not ever be mean with her, never fall out with her, she will think you're 'insecure'

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Smiling and nodding to her is not ever an option unless you're having a very serious conversation and interruption would be rude.

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