How to Tell if a Girl Is Messing with You

Signs a girl is leading you on and messing with your heart

Co-authored by Jan & Jillian Yuhas

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

Judging Her Behavior

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Judging Her Words

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Expressing Your Interest

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Video

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Expert Q&A

Is there a mystery girl in your life? Does she flirt endlessly? Do you wonder if she really likes you? Determining whether or not a lady is attracted to you may be simpler than it seems. All it takes is close observation of what she says, how she says it, and how she behaves. Chances are good that if you pay attention to these factors, you'll be able to make an educated guess and either ask her out or move on.

Things You Should Know

If she flirts with other people when you're around, she's probably playing you.
If you've never met her friends (or they've never heard of you before when you do meet them), she's most likely just messing with you.
If she never asks you questions about your family, friends, or hobbies, that's a sign she's not interested in getting closer to you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Judging Her Behavior

1
Watch how she flirts. How a girl flirts can give you an idea of whether she is really interested. Watch and take note. How intense is her flirting? Does it seem light-hearted and friendly? This may mean she's not seriously interested. It could be something more if her attention feels like more than just play, though.^{[1]
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- Pay close attention the next time your lady is bantering with you. Note her eyes, her face, her voice, her body language, and her general attitude. All of these are clues to solving your mystery.
2
Note how long she flirts. What is your mystery lady's attention span when you are flirting? This should give you hints, as well. Someone who is really interested – who has eyes for only you – should give you the time of day. Does she check texts and emails while you banter? This could mean the interaction doesn't mean much to her. Or does she focus entirely on you? A girl's attention span will be more sustained if she's interested in you.^{[2]
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- Keep track of your encounters. Does she stop by your desk once in a while to tease you and quickly moves on? That might not be a good sign. Does she join you in the lunch room several days a week? Do you always seem to run into her in hall ways or at the water cooler? That is more encouraging.
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3
Note where and when she flirts. Some women and men are serial flirts. They flirt with those they're interested in and with those they're not interested in. They flirt with everyone. Why? They may like the challenge or the power it gives them. They may have low self-esteem. Or they may just like to flirt, period.^{[3]
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- Pay special attention to your mystery lady's general flirting habits. Does she share her favors widely? Does she flirt with other men, or maybe girls? This behavior may indicate that she is a serial flirt.
- On the other hand, does she seem to concentrate on you and you alone? If the flirting is mostly exclusive, you can pretty safely assume that there is a reason for it.
4
Look into her eyes. Body language will tell you a lot about what a person is thinking or feeling. Whether it is our eyes, our face, our posture, or other behavior, the way we carry ourselves can unconsciously signal interest or disinterest. Use it to your advantage for your mystery girl, starting with her eyes
- Pay close attention to where she is looking. Does she hold eye contact with you? Usually when talking, we hold and break eye contact frequently. If she gazes deeply into your eyes in your presence, it might mean she is attracted.^{[4]
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- Note how much she blinks, as well. Does she do it a lot when she's with you? The average person blinks about 20 times per minute. However, our blink rate increases when we're emotionally excited. If your girl is blinking like mad, it's a good reason to think that she is interested in you.^{[5]
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5
Observe her posture. How is she sitting or standing? Physical posture can be another way to tell if a person is interested in you or just being friendly. This include the direction she faces, whether she leans in or back when talking to you, or whether she points her toes in your direction. Try to notice all of these subtle signs.^{[6]
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- Does she mirror your body language and gestures? Surprisingly, this unconscious behavior is a sign that she's noticing you – both what you do and how you do it.
- Does she lean in or angle toward you during conversations? What about her toes? Does she usually point them toward you? These, again, are more unconscious ways that our body can signal we like a person.^{[7]
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6
Read her expression. The human face can express an incredible range of emotions, some consciously and some unconsciously. How a person feels, then, including possible interest in you, is often written on their face. Study your mystery lady's face for signs that she's into you.
- Look also at her eyebrows. One common way the body signals attraction is the raised brow. When someone likes us, their eyebrows rise and fall. This lasts less than a second but is there. Look for it.^{[8]
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- What about her pupils? Pupils become dilated – that is, slightly larger – as a brain response to physical attraction. If she gets large, doe eyes in your presence, it is a signal that she likes you.^{[9]
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- See how she smiles. People tend to smile from above the mouth when they are truly happy, in order words, the smile engages the whole face above the mouth. A smile with an open mouth, lifted forehead, and squinted eyes is a good sign that the smile is genuine.^{[10]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Judging Her Words

1
Attend to detail. A girl's words should say just as much about her potential interest in you as her behavior. She might flirt, but does she pay attention to you, to what you say, and to who you are as a person? Listening is a key indicator that she is interested. Pay attention to an any details that she drops.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
- For example, does your mystery lady remember things that you say? Does she recall that you really hate banana peppers on pizza but really like anchovies? Does she quote Star Trek at you, because she knows that it's your favorite movie? What about other likes and dislikes?
- Does she remember your birthday? Does she ask how you are if you've said that you had a bad day or are feeling unwell?
- What about small details? For example, a girl who remembers that you wore a red sweater to last year's Christmas party – when you have long forgotten – either has a great eye for detail or pays special attention to you.
- Remember—if someone really likes you, they will make quality time for your relationship and really get to know who you are.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jan & Jillian Yuhas
  Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
2
Take note of questions. While a casual flirt might ask you how you are, how your work is going, or other stock questions, an interested lady will want to know more about you personally. Does she ask questions about you, questions that show a deeper interest? This is a good sign.
- Questions about your family, friends, pets, hobbies, and other personal details may show that she wants to know more about your personal side.
- Does she ever ask you embarrassing things, i.e. the name of your goldfish, the name of your favorite stuffed animal as a child, or other cute but somewhat mortifying questions? This could be a good sign.
3
Study how you fit into her other relationships. It is a very good sign that a girl is interested in you if she talks about you with her friends or family, or at least hints that she does. This means that she thinks of you are part of her life and wants others to be aware of you. It means that you rank high enough to be included in her other important relationships.
- Listen carefully for hints. She will probably not say openly, “I talk about you all the time with my friends.” You'll have to read between the lines.
- Does she lead on that she shares stories about you or things that you've done together, perhaps to her sister or mother?
- Have you met her other friends? If so, did they know who you were? You can bet that your mystery lady talks about you privately if her best friend said, when you met, “Oh hi! I've heard so much about you!”
- The fact that she talks about you is not proof positive that she's interested, however. It may mean that she likes you, but it also may mean that she sees you as a good friend. In that case, your problem may be the tricky “friend zone.”
4
Stop and think. After reviewing her behavior and her actions, try to figures out her motives. Add up all of the indicators. What do you think? If the girl is only responsive at certain times – before a big math exam, for example – she may just be using you. However, if she displays all the physical signs, pays attention to you, and seems to care about your interests and feelings, then she is probably interested. The next step is to signal that you are, too.
- Think about how you feel around her, too. If a girl is just playing you, your interactions will feel more like work than excitement.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jan & Jillian Yuhas
  Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Expressing Your Interest

1
Flirt back. Believe it or not, flirting is scientifically effective. In fact, studies show that the most successful people are not necessarily the most physically attractive, but those who shows their availability through confidence and basic flirting techniques like smiling and eye contact.^{[14]
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- For men, the most successful flirting techniques are quick glances as well as “space maximization” postures – i.e. sitting with an arm extended across the back of a nearby chair. These moves show interest, but also social confidence.
2
Show interest in her. If you genuinely like the girl, let her know it through your behavior. Don't just flirt. Notice her. Notice what she wears. Notice what she says, what she likes and dislikes, and what interests her. In short, listen to her.^{[15]
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- You might be surprised how much these small things matter. If she likes you, remembering that your mystery girl loves to watch Gilmour Girls or has a side interest in astrophysics can go along way.
- Ask her questions. Without being intrusive, show interest in her by asking about her likes and dislikes, her interests, or just how she is doing.
- Give her a compliment on what she's wearing. Try something simple like, “Wow, is that a new skirt? You look very pretty in it.” This signals two things: you noticed her appearance and approve of it.
3
Ask her out. At a certain point you will need to press the issue to clarify whether or not she is really into you. Ask her out! Yes, this will be stressful, but the worst she can do is turn you down. Then, you will know that she was indeed messing with you.^{[16]
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- The response that your invitation gets should give you an answer. A yes is obvious: she likes you!
- If your mystery girl starts acting weird or stops talking to you, most likely someone else is on her mind and she feels uncomfortable. If she continues your current relationship without any change, on the other hand, it could be that she is simply messing with you.
- Give her some space to sort things out if she appears hesitant. An evasive reply may mean that she is uncertain – she may be starting to have feelings for you but is not sure. All you can do is give her some time and space.
4
Respect the outcome. Gracefully accept whatever response you get. It will do no good to continue to pursue her after a clear rejection. She was probably just flirting and didn't consider you dating material.
- In case of a rejection, avoid being obnoxious and move on. Resist the temptation to stick it out. She wasn't interested and time will probably not change that.
- Try to find a girl who is really interested in you. Keep all of the advice here in mind and continuing looking for that special mystery lady.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know if someone genuinely likes you?

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas are Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists and the Founders of Entwined Lifestyle. They specialize in helping individuals and couples work on effective communication, healthy boundaries, and lifestyle wellness. They have also been featured on media outlets such as Yahoo Lifestyle and Bustle. Jan and Jillian both hold a BA in Psychology from The University of Illinois at Chicago and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Jan & Jillian Yuhas

Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists

Expert Answer

If the girl really likes you, she will consistently plan dates and try to understand what is important to you in life.
Question

How do you know when she is the one?

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas are Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists and the Founders of Entwined Lifestyle. They specialize in helping individuals and couples work on effective communication, healthy boundaries, and lifestyle wellness. They have also been featured on media outlets such as Yahoo Lifestyle and Bustle. Jan and Jillian both hold a BA in Psychology from The University of Illinois at Chicago and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Jan & Jillian Yuhas

Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists

Expert Answer

There are many ways to approach this, but a person who is emotionally available will invite you into their life and make you a priority regardless of how busy their schedule is.
Question

What are the signs of a player?

Jan & Jillian Yuhas
Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists
Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas are Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists and the Founders of Entwined Lifestyle. They specialize in helping individuals and couples work on effective communication, healthy boundaries, and lifestyle wellness. They have also been featured on media outlets such as Yahoo Lifestyle and Bustle. Jan and Jillian both hold a BA in Psychology from The University of Illinois at Chicago and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy from The Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Jan & Jillian Yuhas

Relationship Coaches & Boundary Specialists

Expert Answer

If someone is playing you, you’ll be confused if they like you or not. It will be hard to understand them, and there will be inconsistencies in their actions or communication channels.