How to Know Whether You're Compatible

Co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Last Updated: June 20, 2022 References

What does your lover think about sex, religion, careers, household work, children, money, the future, and so on? Do you really know him or her? Before you commit, you should know what questions to ask.

Steps

1
Play the well known "Favorites" game. You each take turns asking the other about random things like "favorite books", "favorite movies", et cetera. This isn't the most important thing to know, but it helps a couple connect.
2
Talk about what kind of pets you two like. If you have totally different tastes in pets, this can make eventually settling down with this person a bit more difficult and maybe unpleasant.

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3
Think about both of your opinions on health, food, and well-being. If you ever end up living with this person, this is important so you can agree on things like dinners and medicine.
4
Consider religion and ethics. Morals, convictions and beliefs are a very important thing to consider. If you can't accept the other person's religion and ethical views, then starting a family with them is going to be a very hard task. Things like places of worship to attend (churches, temples, meeting houses, et cetera) are best spent together on that sabbath morning.^{[1]
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5
Take a look at how you both celebrate. Holidays and celebrations could also fall under the above category. Say your partner was Christian, and you were Taoist. Your partner might want a huge celebration on Christmas, with a tree and everything, but you may want to just have it be a normal day. Most people could accept their partner's views on this topic, but some can't handle it.^{[2]
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6
Analyze your relationships with each other's friends and family. If you despise your mother-in-law, or if your husband's friends are total slobs, living in a house where these people visit every once in a while isn't going to be pleasant.^{[3]
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7
Know how you both feel about children (and your opinions on how to raise them). From the number of children, to how you raise them, to what their names should be (if you're like most couples, you figured that one out in middle school), children aren't an easy topic to agree on.
8
Understand both your thoughts on a wedding and honeymoon. Hopefully if you don't agree you can come to a compromise, traditionally based towards the bride's family's views. Some families believe weddings should be small and only invite the people very close to the two families, and others like weddings to be huge and extravagant.
9
Think about your opinions on sex. Some believe sex is post-marital only, some take it a little more lightly. Some even like it a bit more unorthodox. You might not want to make love to someone who's already been there before. Talk to your partner about this. Here are a few more signs of sexual compatibility:
- You enjoy sex with each other.
- You share the same view of what sex means for you and your relationship.
- You can communicate about your sexual needs and boundaries.
- You both feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other sexually.
10
Listen to your intuition. Make sure you feel good about the decisions you are making.^{[4]
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Community Q&A

Question

I want to know if she's the right person, but she only calls me when she needs something.

Community Answer

If a girl is only calling you when she needs something, it's not good. It sounds like she only cares about what you can do for her rather than just spending time with you and getting to know you. I suggest you find someone else.
Question

I truly love my girlfriend, and she seems to love me too, but I found love messages in her phone with another guy. When I asked, she said they were friends and she apologized and said she wouldn't do it again. What do I do?

Community Answer

Well, which is it? Are they just friends or does she admit she did something wrong? Because it can't be both. It's really up to you whether you think you can trust her again or not. If you don't think you can, you should walk away now, rather than wasting more of your time and hers.
Question

My best friend is a girl, and we have been best friends for the last 2 years. We love each other and we talked about more a little, but she'd rather be friends. Might her feelings change?

Tom De Backer

Top Answerer

I recently was deciding between a trip to the Balkan or to Norway. I'd rather see Norway in winter, but my chance has passed and I have to wait half a year. It may well be that indeed this opportunity has passed for you. You're good friends, so keep that. If you've talked seriously about a relationship and she has clearly stated she wants to be friends, then friendship it is. If you keep pursuing love, you'll only push her away and lose the friendship. Sure, her feelings can change, but so can yours. There's no guarantee that if she loves you next summer, you'll still love her as well.

Warnings

Don't be too specific with questions relating to sexual activity. While it is important to talk about your sexual likes and dislikes, giving too much detail about your sexual pasts can be harmful to a relationship. Your mate needs to know if you have been sexually active but does not need to know dates, times, locations, positions, etc.

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You need to use a certain amount of wisdom with your questions. For example, someone who has just begun dating shouldn't accelerate the relationship by asking questions about marriage and sex. If you don't think you and your partner are quite ready to commit to each other, it would be best to start off with questions about personality, your past experiences, favourites and perhaps something like pets. The best relationships are built on a solid friendship, so first address the questions that will help build that base.

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