How to Know if He Is Your Soulmate

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: August 10, 2021 References

We all dream about finding the perfect guy who will love us forever—a soul mate. When you imagine life with your soul mate, you probably imagine living happy and in love effortlessly for the rest of your lives. But the key to a lifelong happy relationship is more than just the easy magic you imagined as a kid. It’s a balance of chemistry, communication, and long-term goals. With a little natural attraction and a lot of commitment, your relationship can last your whole life.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Feeling the Spark

1
Think about the chemistry you share. When you're with your soul mate, you are intensely attracted to each other. Do you look forward to your time together and miss each other when you’re apart? Do you catch him looking at you even when you’re not trying? Do you find yourself staring at him? ^{[1]
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Research source} And chemistry is not just physical attraction:
- It’s the way he moves—the way he carries himself, his mannerisms, the goofy way he dances when he thinks no one’s watching.
- It’s the way he interacts with other people—the way he jokes with his friends, the way he plays with your dog, the way he takes his niece out for ice cream.
- It’s the sound of his voice—the way he laughs and the little catch-phrases he uses all the time. ^{[2]
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2
Determine how well you understand each other. When you're with your soul mate, you just click. You don’t have to tell him that you’re tired and want to stay in for the night—he can see it on your face. And you can tell when he’s tired too. How in tune are you with with each other’s body language and moods? This natural harmony makes being together feel “right.” ^{[3]
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- Remember that understanding each other's moods and needs doesn’t mean that you always feel the same way about everything. It just means that you have a deep empathy for each other and place a high value on each other's feelings.
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3
Compare your sexual preferences. How complementary are your desires? Do you have similar libidos? If you're with your soul mate, he should know what you like and you should know what he likes, and you should enjoy doing those things together. ^{[4]
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- Don’t assume that you will naturally come together sexually—many people are nervous trying new things in the bedroom. Communicate your desires to each other. If you're not satisfied, let him know what you want him to do. You’ll never know if you’re really compatible if you’re not open with each other. ^{[5]
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- Don't worry if sex isn’t a priority in your relationship, as long as it’s not a priority for either of you, and as long as when it does happen, you both feel fulfilled. ^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating with Each Other

1
Evaluate how well you work together. Soul mates are a team. When you're with your soul mate, he’s got your back and you’ve got his. You know that when times get tough, you’ll face them together. ^{[7]
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- Do you tell each other your problems? Does he listen when you’re upset and let you know that he’s there to help if you need it? Do you do the same for him?
- When you need help does he do everything he can to help you? If you're with your soul mate, he’s not off with his friends while you build that new bookshelf alone. He’s right there next to you with a hammer. ^{[8]
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2
Determine your level of trust. When you're with your soul mate, you feel comfortable telling him things you wouldn’t tell other people, and he does so with you.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} You've seen each other’s vulnerable sides, and you’ve seen each other’s worst moments. ^{[10]
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Research source} You don’t worry that he’ll leave if he sees the real you, because he’s seen it—and he loves it. And you love him, too, flaws and all.
- Do you feel comfortable telling him the things you’re ashamed or embarrassed of? Does he listen to you without judging? Does he open up to you? If you're soul mates, opening up should be easy because you're secure that you love and support each other, no matter what. ^{[11]
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3
Compare your interests and hobbies. If you're with your soul mate, you should have plenty of similar interests. You don’t have to share every interest, but you should share at least some big ones. If you’re a major bookworm, your soul mate will probably enjoy reading, too. If you’re a nature-lover, your soul mate probably doesn’t hate being outside.
- Don’t expect your soul mate to love everything that you do, or vice versa. You're both unique individuals, and that's part of why you love each other. But you should share at least a few major interests, and be willing to appreciate the rest. ^{[12]
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4
Notice how you handle disagreements. Soul mates have a lot in common and support and listen to each other—but that doesn’t mean that they shy away from disagreements. If you're with your soul mate, you know that your love is stronger than any conflicts that arise between you. You both should feel comfortable facing your problems head on because you know that it makes your relationship stronger and helps you to be better people. ^{[13]
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- Are you comfortable telling him when you think he’s wrong? Is he comfortable telling you? And when he calls you out, you should listen because you know that above all else, he supports you and wants you to be your best self. ^{[15]
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- How do you argue? Soul mates don’t insult one another or hold onto ammunition from a fight they had six months ago. When you argue with your soul mate, it's with the goal of working out your problems and strengthening your relationship. The goal is never just winning the argument.
5
Assess your admiration for each other. Does he think you are interesting and exciting? Does he think your jokes are funny? Does he appreciate your intelligence? If you're with your soul mate, he should believe in you and encourage you to believe in yourself, and you should do the same for him.
- This doesn’t mean you aren’t aware of each other’s flaws. But you should be able to accept those flaws as being part of what makes your partner who he is. ^{[16]
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6
Ask yourself how well you know each other. If you're soul mates you know more than just the big things; you also know the small details of each others’ daily lives, because you pay attention to each other and make each other a priority. Does he know how you like your eggs, or what your shoe size is? Do you know which train he takes to get home from work or which section of the newspaper he likes to read first? ^{[17]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Building a Future

1
Compare your goals for the future. Do you envision a similar life for yourselves ten, twenty, or thirty years down the road? Your visions don’t have to be exactly the same, but if he’s picturing a quiet life on a farm in the country and you’re imagining life in a penthouse on Central Park, there might be trouble ahead. ^{[18]
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Research source} Having similar goals helps you to be a team and work together to achieve those goals.
- Do you feel the same way about having kids (or not having kids)?
- Do you feel the same way about home ownership? What kind of home, where, and when do you want to own--if at all?
- Do you have complementary career goals? If you want to focus on your career and he wants to focus on raising a family, have you discussed how you can make those goals work for both of you?
2
Consider your money management styles. It’s not very romantic, but money problems are a common cause of breakups. If you feel better with a big chunk of change in your savings account and he wants to spend every penny he makes, you’re probably going to have some big problems.
- Formulate a financial plan that you can both be happy with, and stick to that plan.
- Always discuss any problems you’re having with money. Nobody likes financial surprises—not even your soul mate.^{[19]
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3
Take account of your values. Are your religious and political beliefs are complementary? You don’t have to be in complete agreement on these issues, but you shouldn’t be in complete disagreement. ^{[20]
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- Do you place a similar value on religion? The more important religion is to you, the more important it becomes that you have similar religious beliefs. If you’re devout and he’s an atheist, there’s going to be trouble. But if you’re both casual believers, it doesn’t matter so much if, for example, you’re Jewish and he’s Muslim.
- Do you place similar value on politics? If you’re both casual observers of politics, then disagreements won’t harm your relationship much. But if one of you is a staunch Democrat and the other is a staunch Republican, you’re going to find yourselves having big arguments. This doesn’t mean that you can’t work it out, but you’re going to have to find a way to talk about politics respectfully and listen to one another’s opinions, even if you vehemently disagree—which can be a tall order.
4
Evaluate your lifestyles. Do you live your lives at complementary paces and enjoy spending time in similar environments? If you’re a couch potato and who doesn’t mind a mess, it’s probably going to be difficult to live with a guy who’s a neat freak and hates to sit still. On the other hand, two couch potatoes together can be a disaster—as can two ultra-excitable go-getters. Your lifestyles should complement each other, each pushing the other to do a little better and to relax a little more. ^{[21]
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- If you’re not naturally attuned to the same lifestyle, don’t fret! You can work together to find a routine that makes you both comfortable. ^{[22]
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