How to Find Your Soulmate

Co-authored by Maria Avgitidis

Sometimes finding a perfect romantic match is based on luck. However, you are more likely to find a partner in life by working on improving your attitude toward yourself, love, dating, and relationships. Resist the temptation to find your soulmate by leaving it to the fates: improve yourself and your dating strategies in order to increase the likelihood of finding your lover.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Finding Potential Soulmates

1
Enjoy being single. It may seem counterintuitive, but it is important that you are happy and confident as a single person before you are ready to find your soulmate. Relationships will last longer if both partners are healthy, stable, and confident in themselves. If you want to find your soulmate--and if you want your ideal partner to be equally attracted to you--you have to know who you are, what you want, and like yourself.^{[1]
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Research source} Some ways for you to enjoy spending time with yourself include:
- Finding interesting hobbies to pursue
- Valuing your friendships and family
- Pursuing an interesting, stable career
- Practicing being confident and strong
- Keeping a diary to help keep you focused and to remind you of how far you've come
2
Cultivate desirable traits in yourself. Make a list of traits you enjoy in a partner. Perhaps you are attracted to a good sense of humor or to a nice smile. Maybe you like someone who is athletic and participates in sports, or maybe you are attracted to someone who enjoys reading novels. No matter what the trait is, consider how you might be able to embody that trait yourself. If you work on yourself in this way, you might find that you end up meeting somebody who shares your interests and desires. Moreover, if you do not end up meeting your soulmate in this way, you will still have improved yourself and learned new skills.^{[2]
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3
Keep an open mind. Studies show that people are not always able to predict the traits to which they are most attracted. If you make a list of desirable traits, it is quite likely that you will be attracted to a person in real life who exhibits quite different traits.^{[3]
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Research source} It is fine to have a few relationship dealbreakers as you attempt to find your ideal partner: however, let your instincts guide you more than a list of pros and cons. You might be surprised by the wonderful person you meet.
- It is especially important to avoid certain internal biases and prejudices. Do not judge a person based on his/her skin color, religion, ethnicity, or age. Take some time to get to know the person before you decide whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing.^{[4]
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Steer clear of attached persons. If you meet a wonderful person who is in a relationship with somebody else, resist the urge to have an affair with him or her. Most relationships that began with an act of infidelity do not last. They are rooted in scarcity and in wanting what you cannot have more than in true affection.^{[5]
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Research source} Wait until your ideal partner is single for a while before pursuing him or her in order to make sure that your relationship has a fighting chance.^{[6]
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5
Develop your social network. The more interesting friends you have, the more interesting strangers you will meet through them. Expand your social network to expand your dating pool. Pursue friendships and close acquaintanceships if you want to meet new, promising people to date.^{[7]
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Research source} Some great ways to meet likeminded people include:
- Joining a meetup group
- Participating in a hobby
- Volunteering for a cause you care about
- Joining an alumni organization
- Cultivating the friendships and acquaintanceships you have: invite friends out to dinner, host a few parties, or schedule a happy hour
6
Be friendly. Smiling and laughing will help make new acquaintances feel more comfortable around you. If you want to encourage somebody to open up, keep your body language open and act in a friendly manner. Some light flirting with someone you're attracted to is also a great way to determine if they are attracted to you as well.^{[8]
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Say yes to blind dates. Your friends know who you are and what you like. Let their instincts guide you if they think you might be a good match for someone they know.^{[9]
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Research source} Not all blind dates are successful, but some certainly are. Don't close yourself off to opportunities to meet new, interesting people.
8
Know how people flirt. There are numerous styles of flirting. However, in general, the most successful flirters tend to be respectful, complimentary, expressive, and use friendly body language. People who use closed-off body language, teasing, or self-deprecation in flirting tend not to be as successful.^{[10]
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Research source} Pay attention to the following traits if you want to flirt or be able to recognize flirting in others:^{[11]
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- Smiling and laughing
- Affirming through nods or verbal agreements
- Continuing the conversation
- Using open body language (open arms, legs, and palms)
- Sharing personal details
- Making eye contact
- Asking questions
9
Keep your online dating profile honest but mysterious. Many people find their soulmates through online dating. However, it can be a tough world to navigate. Users report having more success when they keep their dating profiles honest but brief. Let there be a bit of mystery when other users read your profile: don't show your hand right away. Use dates to get to know each other: don't let the profile do all the work for you.^{[12]
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Meet people in heart-pounding places. People are more likely to feel attracted to someone else when they are in a situation of arousal. Having a fast heartbeat, sweating, and experiencing extreme feelings can make someone more susceptible to feelings of sexual attraction and liking.^{[13]
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Research source} Some good, physically arousing places where you might find a potential soulmate include:
- The gym
- High places
- Horror films
11
Tell yourself there is not one single person out there for you. If there were only one person meant to fall in love with one other person, then only 1 out of every 10,000 people would find true love during their lifetimes.^{[14]
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Research source} We all know that this isn't true: people fall in love and have beautiful relationships all the time. Do not become obsessed with finding the single best person for you: instead, make it your goal to develop close, sustaining, healthy, and loving relationships. See if your soulmate might blossom in front of you instead of depending upon random chance to give you the one perfect person. Many of the most satisfying kinds of love happen over a long period of time, which indicates that soulmates become so over many years of getting to know one another.^{[15]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Transforming a Potential Soulmate into a Lifelong Soulmate

1
Be skeptical of the term "soulmate." Soulmate often implies that two people were made for one another and can exist in perfect harmony. However, all strong, close, lasting relationships will involve conflicts and disagreements. Studies show that couples tend to be more satisfied with their partners when they think of their love as a journey or pathway. Try to frame your own search for a soulmate in these terms: you're not looking for a perfect, harmonious match. Instead, you're looking for a partner to walk the journey of life with, including the positives and negatives.^{[16]
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Research source} Another way to phrase this is that you should be looking for somebody to grow with, not just somebody who was destined to meet you.^{[17]
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- Framing your love as destiny instead of as a journey is especially harmful during conflicts or arguments. During happy periods, there is not as much of a distinction.^{[18]
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2
Listen to your instincts. Studies show that instinctive reactions to another person are important predictors of overall relationship success.^{[19]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Don't try to talk yourself out of your initial instincts about a person. If you have a good feeling about him or her, pursue the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable or anxious about the relationship--even if everything looks good on paper--you might want to consider finding somebody else.
3
Don't let the perfect get in the way of the good. Perfection in a lover often doesn't happen right away: it takes time. If someone seems like a good fit but has some slight imperfections, try to look at the bigger picture. A perfect love can happen between two imperfect people.^{[20]
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- This advice does not apply to "imperfections" that are in fact abusive or controlling. If your partner tries to hurt, insult, or isolate you from others, that is a relationship dealbreaker.
4
Form a strong friendship bond. When you find a potential partner, concentrate on building a strong friendship with him or her. Do fun activities together, talk to one another about your life goals, learn about each other's interests, and support one another. Couples who value each other's friendship are more successful, romantic, and loving over the long term.^{[21]
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Research source} Those who form friendship bonds will find that they are also more romantic with one another (even the sex is better!).^{[22]
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Put work into the relationship. Even if you meet somebody who seems ideal to you, you both will have to work hard in order to strengthen and grow your relationship so that it lasts. This means that you might have to solve disagreements, put up with one another's annoying habits, and be forgiving of one another.^{[23]
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Research source} Some of the most important steps to take in order to remain with your soulmate include:
- Listening actively to your soulmate
- Forgiving your soulmate for minor mistakes
- Supporting your soulmate's hobbies and interests
- Refraining from entering into relationships with other people (if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship)
- Expressing gratitude to your soulmate
6
Go on a double-date. Going on a double-date with another couple can help keep your own relationship passionate and loving. This effect is especially strong when you and your partner talk about intimate topics with the other couple.^{[24]
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Research source} Invite two close friends out to dinner or join a meet-up group designed for couples to get acquainted with one another. Let your social network help you and your partner become true soulmates.
7
Spoon after sex. Relationships are happier and more fulfilling when couples take the time to be physically affectionate with one another after sex.^{[25]
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Research source} If you think you have found your soulmate, be sure that you make time to cuddle, spoon, and have some pillow-talk after sex. This will create a positive feedback loop that will allow your relationship to thrive.
8
Have life goals in mind. It is true that two soulmates can help shape one another's lives and goals. However, it is also important for you to remain true to yourself in life and love. Consider what you desire most in life and whether your potential soulmate can help you achieve these goals. There are some cases when affection is not enough to sustain a relationship or a life: you have to value and share one another's dreams too.^{[26]
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Research source} Some questions to keep in mind include:
- How important is my career, and can my partner foster that career?
- Do I want to have children some day? Does my partner?
- Where do I see myself in 5 years? 10? 20? Can I envision my partner alongside me?
- Are my partner and I happy living in the same kinds of cities/towns/regions? If your partner is miserable in the city but you can only live in a bustling metropolis, you might want to rethink things.
9
Avoid relationship cycling. Relationship cycling refers to an ongoing break-up/make-up cycle between partners. These relationships can be very enticing since they are rooted in a combination of familiarity and excitement. However, this excitement--while thrilling--is usually of the negative sort. And studies show that couples who get into a break-up/make-up cycle often have poor results over the long term.^{[27]
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Research source} Remember that relationship cycling not only wastes valuable time and emotional energy, but it might prevent you from meeting somebody who is a much better fit for you.
10
Pay attention to feelings of calm and comfort. If you have found a soulmate, you will feel peaceful, joyful, and will believe that your relationship is a strong and healthy one.^{[28]
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Research source} Your soulmate should support you, and you should support your soulmate. If you feel anxious, nervous, or queasy because of your relationship, you might not be in the right relationship for you. Remember that calmness, comfort, and relationship health are more important than drama, nerves, or adrenaline rushes.

Community Q&A

Question

How do I know that he is my soulmate?

Community Answer

You will know. Being with this person will be like listening to a song for the first time, they'll always shine for you amid a sea of people and you will be extremely comfortable in one another's presence, often with no need for words or explanations. You will click, you will feel as if you have known this person all your life and you will feel comfortable.
Question

Is it possible that I could find my soulmate at 14 -15 years old?

Community Answer

You can find your soulmate at any age. That said, knowing you've found your soulmate doesn't mean you need to behave like you're already married. Everything in its time. Focus on school.
Question

My soulmate barely notices me these days. We used to be such close friends and now she's marrying someone else. What should I do? I want to tell her not to marry him.

Community Answer

Sometimes life throws obstacles in the way of soulmates. But sometimes life also teaches us that someone we felt was a soulmate was actually a deeply, true and good friend but not a romantic soulmate. If you could see your way to loving this person as a friend and supporting their new relationship, you may be able to salvage the relationship and stay friends for life. If you try to stop the marriage, you will likely lose this person forever.

wikiHow Video: How to Find Your Soulmate

Warnings

There's a danger in being so idealistic that you overlook basic safety precautions and red flags. Remember that there are still hurtful people out there who will take advantage of your hopefulness and use it against you. If, for example, all your friends and family think a particular person is not a good match for you, don't brush them off. They might be onto something.

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Don't confuse chemistry with destiny. When you meet someone you're intensely attracted to, everything in your body could be telling you that this is your soulmate, but that could be hormones and lust talking. Remember that your soulmate could be someone who you already know but never even considered romantically. Be patient and take your time before deciding whether someone has the potential to be "the one."

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Don't obsess over finding your soulmate. Coming off as needy and desperate for love is not attractive to a soulmate, and it might lead you to choose an undesirable partner.

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