How to Find the Right Girl

Co-authored by Joshua Pompey

Last Updated: September 17, 2022 References

Finding the right girl for a great relationship isn't easy. How do you discover the "one" for you? Knowing who you are, understanding what you want and searching in the right places are all key factors in finding your Ms. Right.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Preparing Yourself

1
Live a full life. Leading an interesting and fulfilling life will make you more attractive to potential mates. After all, would you want to date someone who seemingly has no interests, hobbies or friends? Become a well-rounded person by spending time with friends, pursuing your own interests, and developing new hobbies. That way, when you finally meet the right girl, you'll have plenty to offer her in return.
2
Be confident in yourself. You can't expect another person to love you until you love yourself. While everyone has their insecurities, letting them get the most of you will only make you unattractive to potential mates. If you find you cannot overcome your insecurities, ask a friend to point out your attributes. If that isn't effective, work on building your confidence with a counselor, therapist or a trusted member of the clergy.
- Write in a positivity journal. keep track of your accomplishments, compliments people give you and any good thoughts you have about yourself throughout the day. Negative thoughts about yourself may not completely go away, but focusing more on the positives in your life will improve your overall feeling of self-worth.^{[1]
  X
  Research source}
- Encourage yourself. Making positive affirmations each day can help you become self-confident. For a few moments each day, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself something encouraging, whether it's something you believe about yourself or something you would like to believe about yourself. You can even write out your affirmations and place them in accessible locations, like inside your wallet or the welcome page of your mobile phone.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- Forgive yourself. Meanwhile, remember that no person is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Be sure and forgive yourself when you demonstrate imperfection.
Advertisement
3
Avoid desperation. Neediness is a good way to repel romantic partners. And those who are attracted to desperation are probably not the best candidates for a healthy relationship. When you meet a girl, don't immediately drop the rest of your life to be at her every beck and call, and don't bombard her with endless calls and texts.
- When you try too hard to find the right girl, you also set your expectations much too high. Live a fulfilling life and don't think so much about how you haven't met your soul mate. Love finds those who are not looking.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
4
Determine the qualities you seek. You'll find it's easier to recognize a good potential partner when you meet her if you've already determined the characteristics you seek in a mate. Should she be religious, educated, funny, kind to animals or love kids? By knowing what you're looking for, you'll be better equipped to recognize a good match when you meet her.
5
Decide on your drop-dead deal breakers. Everyone has qualities or behaviors that are deal breakers when it comes to relationships, whether they realize it or not.^{[4]
X
Research source} Spend some time thinking about characteristics that you absolutely do not want in your ideal partner. For many, dishonesty is a deal breaker, while others may be opposed to cruelty, prejudice, substance abuse or lack of ambition. Knowing your deal breakers is just as important in determining compatibility as knowing what attracts you, and can save you a lot of wasted time and effort in a dead-end relationship.
- Some points of possible conflict you might consider include religion, political opinions, whether you want to have children, and where you want to live.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  David Kornel Z
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.}
6
Remain flexible. Just because you've decided what qualities attract you, that doesn't mean your ideal mate will possess every one of them. In fact, people are often surprised to find love where they least expect it. Think of your attractions as a guideline, not a strict rule.
7
Don't judge a book by its cover. Looking for a mate with a particular physique, hair color or facial features is one of the quickest ways to find Ms. Wrong. Even the best looks fade over time, and while chemistry is important, if you have only physical chemistry in common, your relationship is doomed from the start.^{[6]
X
Research source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Searching for Love

1
Maximize your opportunities. Don't leave your search for love strictly up to fate; you can't expect to come across the perfect woman from a random visit to the grocery store or even while buying a drink at the bar. Search in a variety of places by taking a class that interests you, joining a club, attending church, visiting online dating websites or even accepting blind dates.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.}
- Don't put all your eggs in one basket, either. While you might take an art class or attend a new church, that doesn't mean you shouldn't also test the waters of online dating or a variety of other opportunities available to meet new women.
2
Search in the right places. While you should maximize your opportunities of meeting new women, don't waste your time meeting them in places that are of no interest to you. If you aren't religious, you may not want to meet women at a church, and if drinking is a deal breaker for you, you probably don't want to look for a potential partner at a bar. Likewise, visit places that are of interest to you. Are you a sci-fi geek? Why not meet women at a book store or a Star Wars convention? Or perhaps you are a lover of the arts. How about seeking a potential mate in an art class or at a museum?^{[8]
X
Research source}
3
Demonstrate tenacity. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Just because you didn't meet your ideal women on one online dating website, blind date or dance class, that doesn't mean she won't be waiting for you at the next one. Don't give up on one way of meeting women just because it wasn't successful the first time or two. The world is full of people, and finding the right partner is very much a numbers game in which you'll often meet a lot of Ms. Wrongs before you find Ms. Right.^{[9]
X
Research source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Identifying the Right Girl

1
Ask her out. As they say, you'll never know unless you try. When you meet a woman who you find interesting and attractive, don't be afraid to ask her for a date.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.} Don't assume she is out of your league or wait for her to make the first move. What's the worst that can happen? She says no and you move on to someone else. Just be direct and honest in your proposition.
- Based on your previous conversation, you can either choose to ask in a sincere manner: "Hey, you seem like a really interesting person. Would you maybe want to grab a drink later on in the week?" or in a romantic tone: "I gotta say, when I saw you from across the room, my eyes lit up. And when we started talking, they lit up even more. Would you want to meet up later for a drink?"
2
Keep it casual. Drinks are fine for a first date, and asking her on a quick outing will place less pressure on the situation. You definitely don't want to sit through a seven-course meal with someone you’ve only just met, especially if it's obvious the chemistry isn't there by the time the entrees appear. Choose a familiar setting for maximum comfort, and a place that’s convenient for both of you to get to.^{[11]
X
Research source}
3
Learn about each other through small talk. Because you probably know little about the person, you should casually search for common ground. Remember to be your own person. Don't pretend you love a certain food or that you know everything about a movie you've never seen just to impress your date.
- Ask open-ended questions about your date. For example, "So, what got you interested in rock-climbing?" is a more effective question than "So, you're interested in rock-climbing?"
- Discuss your immediate surroundings. Don't be so cliche as to talk about the weather, but instead discuss whatever it is you both happen to be doing. If you're playing a sport, for example, you can say something like, "Wow, you're really good. I'll know where to come in the future if I want my butt kicked. Do you play here often?"
- Relate to your date's responses. If she mentions an activity she really likes, for example, and you can relate, don't be afraid to share your similar experience.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Joshua Pompey
  Relationship Expert
  Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.}
4
Identify red flags. Sometimes it can be difficult to know whether or not someone you’re interested in is exhibiting suspect behavior, especially in the early stages of a relationship. A good way to spot deal breakers is by asking plenty of questions during your initial dates. What are her future goals? Does she like kids? Is she on good terms with her previous relationships? Since you've already established your wants, needs and deal breakers, you can more easily know what attributes to look for and ask about.
- Ask things like "Do you have any siblings?" and "Where do you want to be in five years?"^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- While it's important to learn about your partner, don't overwhelm her with a constant stream of questions. Work them into the conversation slowly and appropriately.
5
Look for common goals and values. Just as you want to spot your deal breakers, you also want to discover if you and a potential mate hold common goals and values. Again, since you've already determined what you're looking for, you'll be better equipped to identify commonalities. Do you share a similar sense of humor?^{[14]
X
Research source} Are your future goals compatible? Does she hold similar core values to your own? Answering these three questions will provide an excellent clue to whether or not a future together may be possible.^{[15]
X
Research source}
6
Don't rush the relationship. While you may be anxious to find out everything there is to know about a woman and determine if she is right for you, don't rush the relationship. While you shouldn't take too much time to find if you share core goals and values, you don't need to answer every question on the first date. Take some time to get to know each other naturally, and ask key questions as the relationship progresses.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Likewise, don't rush down the aisle at the first sign of attraction and shared interests. Sometimes a person's true colors only come to light after the excitement of the initial get-to-know-you period is over. It's not only important to have fun dating without worrying about making commitments before you truly know your partner, but couples who end up being successful in love are generally not the ones who commit while still starry-eyed and full of hormonal attraction.
- Just as you want to take time to get to know your potential mate, it's also a good idea to take it slow when it comes to your physical relationship. Get to know one another and find out if you really like each others' personalities before you move your relationship to a physical level.
7
Accept rejection and move forward. The best relationships can't be forced. If she doesn't call or agree to another date, don't let the rejection affect your confidence and perseverance. Just believe that she wasn't the right girl for you, and be grateful you didn't waste weeks, months or years with the wrong person. ^{[17]
X
Research source}

Community Q&A

Question

I am 30, and I'm in love with a woman that is 22. Will this age gap affect our relationship/possible marriage?

Community Answer

It really depends on maturity levels and life experiences. Some 22-year-old women have lived very sheltered lives, and some have had many experiences that have allowed them to grow and become wiser than their years. The age difference will not necessarily hinder your relationship if you feel that you have a lot in common.
Question

How do I find the right girl if I am a preteen?

Community Answer

Right now, you don't have to find the "right girl". You don't even know yourself yet, so you can't know who is going to be right for you. What you should be doing now if meeting and talking to lots of different people. Keep yourself open.
Question

I'm an 18 year old guy that wants to find a girl that I love, but my fear of infidelity and disloyalty keep affecting me from finding her. Can you help?

Community Answer

Perhaps you could seek ways to get over your fears of infidelity and disloyalty by discussing it with a professional therapist. While in counseling, perhaps you could journal about why you have these fears (as a reference to remember for your future), how you’ve overcome them in the past, and anything else your therapist suggests. Concentrate on solving this problem for yourself first, then you can look for a partner.