How to Find the Right Lesbian Partner

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: October 31, 2022

Despite the stereotype that lesbians move in together by the second date, lesbians date just as heterosexual people do. If you are newly out of the closet, be forewarned that being gay does not make the process of dating any easier. While some people are lucky enough to meet Ms. Right right away, for most people meeting someone compatible takes a lot of time and effort. It sometimes takes a lot of bad dates to get to the good ones, and it takes a lot of dating to get to a satisfying relationship. However, there are things you can do to make the search for your dream woman easier.

Steps

1
Look for women in places that would attract the type of woman you want to meet. It may sound like common sense, but if you do not enjoy drinking or dancing, you probably will not meet a compatible mate in a nightclub or bar. If you are shy about meeting people, or there is not a large lesbian community in your area, you might want to join a club or take a class in something that interests you, preferably one geared toward women.
2
Get involved in your area's gay/lesbian community. There very well may be a LGBT group, club or organisation that usually offers various classes and activities in your area. Pick one or a few that interest you and join in. By already knowing most of the women you will meet there are Lesbians, you will take some of the frustration and guess-work out of trying to meet someone. Plus, if you do meet someone through a class or activity there, you will already have something in common with her to talk about and do together, and to build on common ground.

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3
Get involved in online gay/lesbian communities. The Internet is full of lesbian forums, message boards, discussion groups and blogs. Some are location-specific while others are of a more global nature. Although it is preferable to find an online group that serves your city or nearby towns, many global groups might have members from your area. You can find local LGBT groups where you can meet other lesbians with interests like yours.
4
Join an online dating service. But before you do, make sure the dating site has local lesbian members. Many online dating sites serve the lesbian community but will not have many current members who live near you. Always browse around first to make sure the site has local active members who interest you before you commit to paying a fee for any online dating service.
5
Be open to blind dating. Although the very concept of blind dating is a turn-off to many people, keeping your options open might just allow you to meet your ideal partner. If a friend offers to set you up with someone, at least consider it before you say no. Ask a few questions about the woman, and if she sounds compatible, give it a try. If you are uncomfortable at the thought of sitting through a long date with someone you might not click with, meet for coffee. If the two of you connect, you can always make a dinner date for another night.
- To well-intentioned friends: consider simply inviting the two women you'd like to "fix up" to a party or function. Say a few well-placed words to each about the other, and then let things take their natural course - no "set-up", no worries. Also, later on, you can ask each privately if they'd be interested in being set up on a date with the other - no longer a blind date. Try not to assume that they will hit it off together because they are both lesbians.
6
Befriend other lesbians. Making friends with other lesbians, including lesbian couples, can be one of the best ways to better your chances of meeting someone. By broadening your social network to include other lesbians who have common interests, you will be connecting with people who like to do the things you do and maybe even share the same goals and views you do. A new friend might have a friend who would like to meet you, or, you just may turn a new friendship into a budding relationship. Try not to get discouraged.

Community Q&A

Question

There is a person I work with who is making me have sex. I have to let her, but I don't want to do it. What should I do?

Community Answer

Immediately alert your boss, human resources department, and/or the police. That is illegal, and you definitely don't have to do it, no matter what she tells you.
Question

What is the best way to ask a girl out?

Community Answer

That depends on who you're asking. Some people don't want any fuss, so if she's that type, there is nothing wrong with just asking her directly. Others prefer more time to flirt and get to know each other. You'll have to use your powers of observation to decide which approach fits best.
Question

I have a crush in a bi girl, and I am bi too. How do I ask her out?

Community Answer

Drop some subtle hints, flirt with her, and your best bet: simply ask her if she wants to go for coffee, a movie, etc!

Warnings

Dishonesty will only interfere with the process of meeting someone truly compatible for a lasting relationship.

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Do not get involved with someone you think you can "change". She won't appreciate the fact that it was her potential, and not her, that you were interested in. Either accept her as she is now or leave her alone.

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Do not advertise your shortcomings or lie to mask things you are not proud of. Do not say you are a workaholic who does not really have time for a relationship but hopes to meet someone anyway - either commit or forget about it. If you do not want to say you are a smoker, then leave it off your list completely.

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