How to Accept That You Are Gay

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: March 1, 2023 References Approved

If you are LGBTQ but struggle with accepting that fact, here is a guide to help you. You have found out your sexual orientation, and you are perfectly normal. Accepting who you are - and being proud of who you are - in the next step on the road to coming out of the closet, and eventually to having a successful relationship. Some people have difficulty accepting their sexual orientation, either because of personal or societal discomfort or pressure. Most people in the LGBTQ+ community know from experience that accepting your sexuality will lead to your becoming a happier, more open person.

In this guide, the term gay has been used to include all forms of non-heterosexual attraction, whether that be people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, or otherwise not straight.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Finding Yourself

1
Know if you are gay. Sometimes people question their sexuality. There are many degrees of sexual and romantic orientation along a spectrum.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.} If you find you don't fit easily into one category, don't pick one! Don't allow yourself to be labeled until, or unless, you are ready and willing to be.^{[2]
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- If you feel that you don't fit, or you can't understand why you aren't like other people in your life because you are different, remember that you are you, and not anyone else; and that being yourself and accepting yourself for the person that you are is something to be immensely proud of.
- Consider taking an online sexuality quiz, like this one, to see if identifying as gay feels right for you.
2
Remember that you didn't choose to be attracted to members of the same sex. Attempts to change your orientation are usually painful and pointless in the end. When talking with heterosexual friends or family members, it's sometimes tough to help them understand this, because they have no frame of reference for your experience. Try to encourage others to see your sexual orientation in the same way as they see your eye color - it is something you were born with and did not choose. It is something that is simply a part of your being, and not something you can change. Or want to or should!^{[3]
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- There isn't any need to change yourself - being gay is just another way of simply existing, and there is nothing wrong with it at all. Neither is there anything wrong with you for being gay.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
  - Some people in the world believe that sexual orientation is a choice. If you feel that you indeed made a choice, you should feel comfortable with that choice. Everyone has their battles and choices to make, and the norms of societies may not necessarily be normal for you.
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3
Tell yourself that for people to accept you, first you must accept yourself. If you can't accept your sexual orientation and feel comfortable and confident in your skin, then other people find it harder to accept you fully. It's your right to love; no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
- Tell yourself: "I am a person with feelings and intellect and life, just like everyone else. I am unique and individual, and no one has the right to choose my life for me. The fact that I am gay is just another facet of who I am, just as being creative, or optimistic, or having brown eyes is. I may not be like many of my friends, but I choose to live my life authentically and happily. It's my life, and I choose to be happy."
4
Remember that being gay does not require you to conform to typical gay stereotypes. Most people who are gay are indistinguishable from those that aren't. They share the same interests, goals, and dreams for their lives. Being gay does not necessarily make you any less masculine or feminine, and there is no need or pressure to conform to stereotypes that don't feel right to you - because you are who you are.^{[5]
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- You do not need to fit into the gay community just as much as you don't need to fit into the straight community. These are arbitrary social constructs. Are boys inherently about football and burping? No. Society has told them that that's okay. In 100 years, "gay" will be an entirely different concept. Don't pressure yourself to fit in one way or another.
- Be genuine with yourself so you know your values. Knowing what you value will help you choose what’s important to you rather than what society thinks is important. Brainstorm and write down what you value.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Dealing with Others

1
Do not feel - or let yourself be - pressured into believing that you should "change your ways". If anyone tries to force an opinion on you that you do not agree with, such that your desires themselves are unnatural, sinful or symptoms of a mental disorder, look elsewhere for support. There is no evidence that "helping gay people to become heterosexual" is possible. If someone tells you it is, walks the other way.
- Treatments to "change" sexual orientation that was common in the 1960s and 1970s were very damaging to those patients who underwent them and affected no change in their sexual orientation.
- In fact, conversion therapy is slowly getting banned across the US. Homosexuality is not viewed as an illness and in short, it won't be treated as such.^{[6]
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2
Remember that you are not alone. There are many, many gay people in all sorts of communities, and there are many people there for you when you need support. There may be agencies, groups, advisers, family members, and friends that you can turn to, even if it is just someone to inform of your feelings. Talking to someone during this difficult time will be incredibly helpful and ground you in realizing millions of others are going through the same thing.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}^{[8]
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- Find a group or a hangout where you feel comfortable, and where there will be other gay people to talk with. Make some new friends, and by doing so, you will establish a new network of supportive and encouraging people around you. Your energy will help them too!
- Look for online groups to join, such as The Tribe. Start anonymous if you feel uncomfortable discussing your sexuality.^{[9]
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- Read up on other queer people who came before you. Imagine yourself being able to support future young queer folks who come into your life.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
3
Consider telling your family. Hopefully, you live in an environment where your family loves you just as you are. If you have a person you are particularly close with, pull them aside and talk to them. Let them know what you're going through. They'll help you form an attack plan on informing everyone and transitioning as smoothly as possible.^{[11]
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- If your family would not accept you, it's best to find a mentor that can help you. Do you know anyone who's struggled with this same thing? They'll be able to point you in the right direction and be a sounding board for this time. Talking about it, being able to lean on someone, will be a great resource for your overall happiness and sense of strength.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
4
Be selective. The entire world does not need to know about your sexual orientation, nor do they care (luckily!). It is not necessary to broadcast who you are, and no one should make you if you find that telling everyone makes you uncomfortable. Know that, while you want and deserve to live an authentic life, it may not be a good idea to expose yourself to narrow-minded people who may offend you.^{[13]
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- Don't come out to a particular person if it doesn't feel right to you. This is a good rule to follow in general - there could be many reasons why, but if it doesn't "feel right" then it is probably not the right time to come out to that person. The time to tell them maybe later, or never. What is most important is that you come out to yourself. Once you are at ease with your sexual orientation and have a healthy self-image, the when and how of coming out often fall into place naturally
5
Forgive those who aren't ready to accept you. Unfortunately, humans can be cruel and closed-minded. Inevitably, there will be people who don't approve of "your lifestyle" and will let you know about it. Instead of wasting your energy on these people, forgive them.^{[14]
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- Getting angry will only fuel their fire. To beat them at their own game, you need to stay level-headed, logical, and reasonable. Showing that their actions get to you will only make them happier. If you can't muster forgiveness, muster indifference. They're not even on your radar. You'll feel so much better in the long run!
6
Think about your religious beliefs. There will be people that tell you your sexuality prohibits you from specific religious beliefs or from being loved by God. You are free to believe whatever you want to believe, even if members of the same group don't agree. Faith is a personal relationship with God - it has nothing to do with anyone else.^{[15]
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- If you were raised in an environment that frowns on homosexuality, you are not worth any less. The laws in the Bible were mainly for health purposes - shunning homosexuality is right next to not getting tattoos, not eating pork, and not wearing mixed linens, but you can bet your bottom dollar all your neighbors do those things. Know that how you were raised is just cultural-specific. You are still you and you are good. If you'd like to morph your religious beliefs you're more than welcome to, but you don't have to. Take your time.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Gaining Support and Confidence

1
Surround yourself with those who care. Your friends and family love "you," not straight you or gay you, they love you. Your happiness is important to them; it's not selfish to feel as if you're bombarding them with your problems. Talk about it. Use them to lean on. That's what they're there for!^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- That being said, don't feel obligated to come out to people for this purpose. If you're not ready, you're not ready. There's no harm in that. Your friends and family don't have to know to still be there for you.
2
Show people who you are. Coming out of the closet is the boldest step in accepting your sexual orientation, but now that you can live "out," it does not mean that you have to change who you are or what you like. Don't go trying to change yourself or wishing that you were like the other people in your life to cater to the comfort levels of others. There are over 7.6 billion people in the world, and you can't please everyone; those who care about you will still love you for who you are.
- If someone can't accept the one small fact of who you are that is your sexuality, and can't still respect you for the person that you are, then they aren't worth your time or letting it bother you, because it's not your fault that the person can't accept it.
3
Develop and express your individuality. If your preferred way of doing something strays from the mainstream, whatever it may be, then be proud of it -- you are the one and only you. It takes all kinds -- or this world would be such a boring, monotonous place!
- Understand that a person who is gay is no different from any other person. Like everyone else, gay people have dreams and goals and want companionship and love just like anyone else you know. Strive every day to be the best person you can be, and remind yourself of the positive qualities and attributes that make you uniquely who you are.
4
Teach acceptance and love through your actions. You are in a unique position to leave an impression on others. Others, often younger than you, will need guidance. If you can show them there are points of light on the horizon, you can make their progress that much easier.
- If you are unaccepting of certain races, religions, or other characteristics, why should others be accepting of you? Your actions need to echo how you want to be treated. Hopefully, others will take a cue from your behaviors. When it comes to love, take every opportunity to pay it forward, whether it's loving yourself or loving someone else.
5
Find support. It's important to find support for your mental health and so you know you're not alone with someone to turn or to talk to.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.} There is support available face-to-face or in cyberspace. If you want to support in person, find friends or people who are LGBT+ or allies. If you are in the USA, there is the Gay-Straight Alliance. If you prefer to stay behind a computer screen, there are many supportive websites for LGBT+ people. There is a Wikipedia list for LGBT+ support.

Expert Q&A

Question

What if my whole family is against homosexuality?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Find support first outside of your family. You may decide that it may be safer and easier to come out to your family at a later date especially if you are not self-sufficient at this time.
Question

I don't want to come out because my siblings may get bullied for having a gay brother. What should I do?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Talk to your family first. You can be selective as to who you come out to. Not everyone will accept you and that's okay, so it may be wise to choose who you disclose this information to.

Warnings

If you are still being supported by parents whom you are quite sure would disown you for being gay, it may be prudent to wait to tell them until you are independent. It may be vital for your survival to hold off on coming out until, for example, you have graduated high school or college, or you have moved into a place of your own.

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Use good judgment. Sadly, not everyone in the world is a modern, accepting person. Don't broadcast this information to your entire community if you live in a small town or an area where LGBT+ people are less likely to be accepted and where you are likely to be harmed physically or emotionally.

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If it is very likely that your coming out will have a bad outcome, then don't. As long as you know who you are, that's plenty for the short term. In the end, your sexual orientation is your business. Eventually, people may figure it out, and you will need to decide whether to stay in that situation or move on to a more accepting place.

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You may regret the acceptance of your orientation in the future, especially if you're in a part of the world where the gay community is being prosecuted by a specific culture. You may have a choice in changing your lifestyle; that is, perhaps you feel you need to live under the guise of being heterosexual for your safety, and perhaps even your happiness. It is not always easy to remain accepting of your orientation depending on where you live, and the views of the people who are most important to you. There are non-profit organizations that exist to both support you in your acceptance, and also in case, you would want to try to lead a heterosexual lifestyle, although you can never change your orientation.

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