How to Come Out

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Coming out is a deeply personal process, and it’s important to remember that you’re in charge of your journey. Come out to your friends, family, and community on your own terms and when you feel it’s safe to do so. Even if someone is open and supportive, coming out to them can still be daunting. Try to relax, and know that being nervous is completely normal. Hang in there! Above all, love and respect yourself, regardless of how others react to your news.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Telling a Trusted Friend

1
Choose a supportive friend who will help you gain confidence. An open-minded and understanding friend can support you and help you gain the courage to move forward. If your first experience coming out to someone is positive, you might be less anxious about telling other people in the future.
- You might find it easier to come out to your friends before telling your family. However, keep in mind that you’re in charge. If you’d feel more comfortable telling your parents first, then that’s the path you should take.
- Keep in mind people don’t always meet your expectations, and you can’t control anyone’s reaction. Don’t get discouraged if someone you tell doesn’t react the way you expected. Sometimes, people are shocked or upset at first, then become more accepting after they’ve had time to absorb the news.
2
Pick a relaxed, private place to tell them. While there’s no ideal way to come out, a private, distraction-free time and place can make things easier. Avoid having the conversation when you or your friend are stressed, upset, or busy. That way, you’ll have an easier time expressing yourself clearly, and your friend will have a chance to process what you have to say.
- For instance, you wouldn’t want to want to deliver the news when your friend has a basketball game in 10 minutes or is running late for work.
- You don’t have to make a big deal about it. Just ask your friend to hang out, and say that there’s something you want to tell them.
Advertisement
3
Try to be honest, matter-of-fact, and positive. Take a breath, relax, and say, “I wanted to tell you something. I’m gay. I’m telling you because I trust you and know you’ll be there for me.” If you haven’t come out to anyone else, let your friend know that this is the first time you’ve told anyone, and that you’ve chosen to tell them because you trust that they’ll be there for you.
- While it’s a big moment, it’s not like your confessing to a crime or informing your friend that you have a life-threatening sickness. You’re sharing something with someone you trust. This is a good, friendship-affirming thing, so do your best to keep your tone positive.
4
Allow your friend to react and ask questions. Your friend might need a moment to process what you’ve said, so be patient. Give them a few minutes to react, and let them know they should feel free to ask any questions.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Your friend might not have any questions, or they might say that they’re not surprised. Don't worry if the conversation is a little awkward, or if they don’t know what to say. Just give your friend the time they need to take in the news.
5
Let them know you could use their help as you come out to others. Knowing that you're no longer alone and that you have someone to lean on can make things much less overwhelming. Be honest with your friend, and tell them that you could use their support through your coming out journey.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Say, “It’s such a relief that you’ve been so accepting. I’m still anxious about telling other people, and I’m hoping you might be able to give me a pep talk now and then. Knowing that I’m not alone in this would really make me feel better about telling people.”
- Unfortunately, you might not get the support you expected when you come out to friends and family. If someone needs more time to process what you’ve said, or if their reaction is negative, don’t get discouraged. There are other people who can give you the support you deserve.
6
Build a support system if you’re worried about telling your family. Coming out to your friends can help you feel more confident about yourself. If you’re not sure how your parents will react, it’s also important to have people you trust who can lend emotional and practical support.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- If you’re legally a minor or still depend on your parents, it might be best to put off coming out if you think they'd stop supporting you.
- If you feel compelled to tell your parents regardless of the outcome, make arrangements to stay with a supportive friend or relative just in case.
- If you’re not ready to tell your parents, make sure your friends understand that your family doesn’t know, and ask them to respect your privacy.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Coming Out to Your Parents

1
Try to anticipate how your parents will react. The best case scenario is that they will be completely accepting, that they might have already known, and that this conversation won’t cause tension. However, coming out to your parents could be risky, especially if they’ve demonstrated homophobic and/or transphobic behavior in the past.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- If your parents have expressed positive views of the LGBTQ+ community, have supported other people coming out, and are generally open-minded, then there’s a good chance they’ll be supportive.
- Keep in mind that, while your parents may be accepting or have LGBTQ+ friends, they might still react strongly when you tell them.
2
Hold off on coming out if your safety would be at risk. Unfortunately, there are some cases where you’re better off not coming out to your parents. If they’ve expressed homophobic and/or transphobic views, and if you’re financially dependent on them, it might be in your best interest to wait to tell them until you’re independent.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Ask yourself if they might withdraw their support, stop paying your school tuition, or kick you out of the house. While keeping it to yourself might be tough, you shouldn’t come out to them if your well-being is at risk.
3
Inform trusted loved ones that you’re about to come out to your parents. Whether your parents react positively or negatively, it’s helpful to know that you have friends on whom you can rely. If you’ve already come out to friends or relatives, tell them when you’re planning to come out to your parents. Your supportive loved ones will be there for you to vent to regardless of how things go with your parents.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If you decide to come out to your parents but are worried they’ll get upset, ask a supportive loved one if you can stay with them in the event things with your parents turn sour.
4
Choose a calm, relaxed time and place to come out to your parents. Pick a time when you and your parents aren’t stressed, busy, or distracted. Additionally, you might have an easier time if there are no major life events happening. For instance, avoid telling them if a relative has just passed away or the night before your sister gets married.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Make sure the emotional climate at home is stable. If your parents are fighting or if you’ve just gotten grounded, you might want to wait for things to settle.
5
Don’t come out during a fight. You may feel tempted to come out in the middle of an argument with your parents, but you shouldn’t use the news as a weapon. If you tell them out of spite, you’ll make it harder for them to come to terms your sexuality or gender identity.^{[9]
X
Research source}
6
Tell your parents that you love them and want to be honest. Start by letting them know that you want to have an honest, loving relationship with them. Tell them that you want them to be a part of your life, and that their love and support mean a lot to you.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Take a deep breath and keep your cool. Even if you’re worried that they’ll react negatively, your parents might surprise you and thank you for being honest. Do your best to stay positive, and tell them, “I’m gay,” or “I’m bisexual,” in simple, matter-of-fact terms.
7
Let them know you understand if they feel shocked or upset. Even to the most accepting of parents, your news may come as a complete shock. They might be afraid that you’ll face a more difficult life, or that you won’t be able to get married and have children. Their fears may or may not be justified but, either way, try to be empathetic instead of taking it personally.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Try saying, “I get that this is a lot to take in, and you have a right to have strong feelings. But this is who I am, and I’m happy with it. This isn’t a bad thing, so please don’t be angry or blame yourself. This doesn’t have anything to do with you or your parenting.”
- Assure them that you’re happy and healthy, and that life poses challenges for everyone, regardless of their orientation or gender identity.
- Remind them that, in general, people are becoming more accepting of other lifestyles. If your country or local government has non-discrimination or same-sex marriage laws, tell your parents about them.
8
Give your parents time to absorb the news. Sometimes, parents already know and are supportive right away. For other parents, accepting the news can take months or years; some, unfortunately, aren’t able to accept it. Try to be patient, and be prepared to answer any questions they may have.
- While you wait for them to process your news, make sure you feel safe. The environment may feel a little tense and uncomfortable, but as long as you’re safe, you can remain at home.
- While you give your parents time to process this information, lean on your friends. Spending more time with your support network can help you get through a rough patch with your parents.
9
Suggest educational resources that might ease their concerns. Even if your parents don’t want to be educated at first, they might come around in time. Try not to start with terminology beyond their understanding. Just give them some resources for parents of members of the LGBTQ+ community.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- For example, suggest that they check out the website of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) at www.pflag.org.
10
Come out to your extended family at your own pace. When you come out to your parents, let them know that you intend to come out to the rest of your family on your own terms. If you don’t want other relatives to know right away, ask your parents to respect your privacy. Remember that you get to choose when and how you come out to the people in your life.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- Of course, it’s fine if you think it’d be less stressful for your parents to tell other family members. You’re in charge, so take the steps that make you most comfortable.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Coming Out on Your Terms

1
Work on coming to terms with your sexuality or gender identity. If you’re comfortable with who you are, you might have an easier time telling your friends and family. It’s normal to feel confused, so don’t feel like you need to have all of the answers. Just try to accept that your sexuality or gender identity is part of who you are, and know that you have no reason to feel ashamed.
- Coming out to yourself can be tough, but it’s an important first step. Tell yourself, “I’m gay,” “I’m bisexual,” “I’m transgender,” or “I’m questioning right now, and that’s okay. I have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed.”
- Reminding yourself that you’re not alone can help. Try reading books or online articles about other people’s coming out journeys.
2
Remember that you’re in charge of your coming out process. Never let anyone pressure you into coming out. Don’t let a friend or siblings pressure you into telling your parents, or allow a loved one to pressure you into coming out at work or school. You are in control of whom you tell and when, so take each step of your journey at your own pace.
- You may have friends who came out years ago, but that doesn’t mean you need to follow their timelines. What’s right for them isn’t necessarily what’s right for you.
- Coming out can lift a heavy weight off of your shoulders, and it can help you feel closer to supportive loved ones. However, it can be risky. You shouldn't feel like coming out is your only choice, especially if you don’t feel safe doing so.^{[14]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
3
Don’t let others label your sexuality or gender identity. Adopt a label, such as “gay” or “bisexual” once you’re comfortable with it. If you’re unsure or aren’t ready to put a label on your orientation or identity, don’t let someone else define it for you. Keep in mind you might feel pressure to adopt a label from both straight and LGBTQ+ friends.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- For example, suppose you tell your friend that you think you’re bisexual, and they say, “Well I’m sure you’re really gay, but you’re more comfortable saying ‘bi’ for now.” No one knows you better than you and, even if your friend is right, no one can force you to adopt one label or another.
- An LGBTQ+ friend might tell you that you need to tell everyone in your life your specific orientation or gender label in order to be your authentic self. No one, whether they’re homophobic or LGBTQ+, has the right to dictate another person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
- Being gay, bi, or queer is only part of your identity, just as a straight person isn’t purely defined by their sexual orientation. You don’t need to change who you are to fit anyone’s standards or stereotypes.
4
Get a sense for how accepting a loved one is before telling them. Do your best to ensure the first person you tell is open, accepting, and supportive.^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.} Try bringing up issues with friends and family like gay marriage or transgender teen homelessness, or mention an LGBTQ+ movie or TV character.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- You could say, “I saw a story on the news about same-sex marriage. What are your thoughts on it?”
- Before you come out to someone, think about how accepting they are of other people. Do they have a loved one who’s openly LGBTQ+, and do they treat that loved one with love, support, and respect? Do they make offensive jokes or disparaging comments?
- If you have a trusted friend who’s a member of the LGBTQ+ community, they might be the best person to tell first. They’ve been in your shoes, and there’s a lower risk that they’ll react negatively.
5
Come out to people who will respect your privacy. The first people you tell should be absolutely trustworthy.^{[19]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.} When you come out to them, be sure to tell them that they shouldn’t tell anyone what you’ve confided in them.^{[20]
X
Research source}
- Before coming out to someone, ask yourself if they tend to gossip. Have they ever broken your trust in the past? Do they tell you about other people’s secrets?
6
Write a letter, if it seems less intimidating. If coming out to a loved one face-to-face is too intimidating, or if you’re afraid of getting tongue-tied, you could write them a letter instead. Start by letting them know that you trust them and want to share something important with them. Then tell them about your sexual orientation or gender identity in clear, simple terms.^{[21]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might write, “I’ve wanted to tell you that I’m gay for a little while now, but I’ve been so scared. I think part of me has known most of my life, but I’ve never really accepted it until recently.”
- Be sure not to give your loved one the letter at school, work, or a crowded place.
- You could ask them to read it in private, or you could hand them the letter and ask them to read it in your presence. It might be easier to get the conversation going if you put everything you want to say in writing.
- Writing a letter could be a good method if you’re worried about coming out to your parents.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Living Openly in Your Community

1
Decide which parts of your life feel safe. You may only want to tell your close friends and family members, and hold off on coming out at work or school. You’re not obligated to tell anyone, even after you’ve come out to a few people.^{[22]
X
Research source}
- It’s perfectly fine if you don’t feel safe coming out at work or school. You might have straight or LGBTQ+ friends who try to convince you to come out in all areas of your life. Remind them that you know what’s best for you.
2
Factor your community’s level of tolerance into your decisions. Some communities are more accepting than others, so assess your local climate. If you live in a more tolerant community, coming out might not be a big deal for your neighbors, coworkers, or classmates. If you encounter homophobia or transphobia regularly, coming out is a lower priority than staying safe.
- If homophobia and bullying at school or work are commonplace, or if being LGBTQ+ is illegal in your country, it’s not your responsibility to come out and try to change society. People do need to learn how to treat others with dignity and respect, but that doesn’t mean you need to put your safety at risk.^{[23]
  X
  Research source}
3
Research your local laws and employer’s non-discrimination policy. Before coming out at work, make sure you’re protected from discrimination. Without a non-discrimination policy or legal protection, your employer might be able to fire you for coming out.^{[24]
X
Research source}
- Additionally gauge the climate at work. Do people make offensive jokes? How close are you with your coworkers? If you have any openly LGBTQ+ coworkers, you could ask them for advice.
- If you feel compelled to live openly at work, you don’t need to pull everyone aside and come out to them individually. Without making a big announcement or speech, you could simply bring your partner or a date to a work event.
4
Consider coming out on social media. For some people, coming out on social media is easier than telling dozens or hundreds of people individually. You could talk about it in a status, change your “Interested in” setting, or just let people figure it out from the photos you’re tagged in or post.^{[25]
X
Research source}
- While you get to decide how and when you come out, your close friends and relatives will appreciate it if you tell them one-on-one before posting on social media.
5
Surround yourself with positive, accepting people. You don’t need to suddenly drop all of your straight friends as soon as you come out. However, try to spend time with friends who are LGBTQ+. Talking to people who’ve faced similar challenges is a great way to build confidence and resilience.^{[26]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- If you don’t have many LGBTQ+ friends, see if there’s a local organization or other outlet that connects members of the LGBTQ+ community. You might have an alliance or club at work or school.
6
Don’t let negative reactions hurt your self-esteem. Even if you live in an open, accepting community, you will encounter ignorance at some point in your life. If someone makes a hateful comment, don’t waste your time or energy fighting with them.^{[27]
X
Research source}
- Don’t let them lower your self-esteem. You can’t control what other people do, think, or say, but you can control your reaction. Love and respect yourself no matter what anyone says.
- When you’re upset or frustrated, vent to a supportive friend.
- If someone is genuinely misinformed and has your best interests at heart, they might be receptive to a rational conversation. You could try to tell them what it’s like to walk in your shoes.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it normal to be nervous about coming out?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

It's totally normal to be nervous about coming out. Even in this day and age, people still struggle with how to tell their family, how their family will respond, and what's expected of them by the heteronormative society we live in.

Warnings

Always put your safety first when deciding whom you should tell and when. If you believe your safety is at risk, call a supportive loved one and stay with them. If you’re in immediate danger, call emergency services.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 23 Not Helpful 2
If you are targeted or threatened at work or school, get help from a school counselor, supportive teacher, your employer’s HR department, or authorities.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 16 Not Helpful 2
If you’re dealing with hate or abuse and are overwhelmed, do not give up hope. If you don’t have a supportive friend or relative, call a hotline for people who are LGBTQ+ or a suicide prevention line. You could call The Trevor Project hotline 24/7/365 at 1-866-488-7386, or call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 5 Not Helpful 0
For a list of international hotlines, see http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 7 Not Helpful 2