How to Tell Your Mom You Are Gay

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: March 14, 2023 References

You've decided to come out to your mom—that's amazing! The process can be completely terrifying, yes, but when you're honest about who you really are, you're opening the door to a more honest relationship. You may be stressing out over things like what you should say, when you should say it, and how you should prepare. We're here to help you figure all of that out and more. For everything you need to know on how to tell your mom that you're gay, read on.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Deciding When and How to Come Out

1
Come out when it feels right to you. It’s natural to worry about how your mom, other family, and friends will take your choice to come out. You may wonder what order you're supposed to come out in. Or perhaps you're worried about how you can make the process as easy on your mom as possible. Some strategizing can help, but at the end of the day, this experience is still yours. You should tell others in whatever way feels best to you.^{[1]
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- For example, is this the right time for you? Are you in a place to have the kind of conversation you want to have?
- Sometimes, people may feel guilty for waiting to come out to someone close to them—but you shouldn't.
2
Talk to a friend or professional to help you cope with stress. Coming out to your family members can be terrifying. LGBTQ+ resource organizations and mental health professionals can both offer you a place to talk through your feelings, as well as practical advice on coming out. If you’ve already come out to other friends and family, lean on them for emotional support.^{[2]
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- You shouldn’t have to face this alone. There are people out there who want to help; prioritize getting the support you need. Check out these resources:
- The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564
- The GLBT National Youth Talkline: (800) 246-7743
- The Trevor Project at (866) 488-7386
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3
Write yourself a script to remember what you’d like to say. When you come out, your emotions may be running high. This can cause you to forget things or lose your train of thought while speaking. Keep this paper with you for reference or, if it’d make you feel more comfortable, it's okay to read directly from the page.^{[3]
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- Writing your thoughts down could even help you sort through how you’re feeling.
- You may realize, for instance, that you really want your mom to know when you realized you were gay. Now you'll remember to include that.
4
Talk to your mom when she feels comfortable and relaxed. Coming out is an important milestone, and it should happen on your terms. That being said, picking a comfortable setting could let your mom focus more completely on what you have to say. If you choose a less stressful time in her life, that could help too.^{[4]
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- Your living room would likely be more comfortable for her than a public place, like the park.
- Similarly, if you know your mom is giving a big presentation at work, consider waiting until she’s done to have your discussion.
5
Take precautions if you're not sure that coming out will be safe for you. Consider your mental and physical wellbeing the top priority when coming out. Before you come out to your mother, reflect on whether or not you believe her reaction could involve physical violence or emotional abuse. If you have any doubts whatsoever, take steps to ensure you stay safe.^{[5]
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- If you're concerned that your mom might act unsafely or kick you out, have an exit plan ready. If you live with your mom, line up alternative housing.
- Consider meeting in a public location if you think you may be unsafe during the conversation. You could ask a friend to wait outside while you speak.
- If you believe you may end up in an unsafe living situation, you should consider waiting to come out until you’re financially independent.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Telling Your Mom You Are Gay

1
Explain to your mom that there's something important you'd like to talk to her about. Keep in mind that once you mention this to her, there’s a good chance that she’ll want to speak right away. Calmly give her the time and place that you planned. Let her know that you’re safe and healthy so she doesn’t worry.^{[6]
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- “Mom, I have something important to talk with you about. I was thinking after swim practice tonight. Are you free then?”
- “I’m completely safe and healthy, but it is something really important. And I’d like it to be just the two of us.”
- She may want to ask multiple questions right away. Try to stay calm and stick to the plan: “I promise we’ll talk about everything tonight.”
2
Open with positive statements to set the tone for a healthy discussion. When you come out, your mom could very well feel shocked and overwhelmed. By reminding her that you love her, that you care about your relationship, and that you trust her enough to share who you really are with her, you could help her stay in touch with what’s most important.^{[7]
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- “Mom, I want you to know that I love you so much.”
- “I really want us to have an open, authentic relationship. And to me, that means I have to be honest about who I really am.”
- “It’s because I trust you and love you so much that I want to have this conversation with you. It’s really hard, but it’s worth it.”
3
Share your experience, be honest, and say everything you need to. There’s no single "right" way to come out to your mom, but typically, being truthful and open is a great way to go. If you have notes, let those guide you. If you’d rather speak off the cuff, that works too. It’s okay if things don’t come out perfectly—that’s understandable. ^{[8]
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- At the end of the day, this is your message, and you should get to share it however you’d like.
- "Mom, I'm gay. It's always felt like I was keeping a huge secret from the people who know me best, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to get to be myself."
- "Your support means the world to me. I know you may need time to process this, but I really hope you can support and love me for who I am."
4
Ask your mother gently to let you speak if she interrupts. Your mom may feel like she’s bursting with questions to ask and things to say. If she tries to speak over you, let her know that it’s important you get everything out on the table. Then, promise her that there will be time for questions when you're finished.^{[9]
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- “I love you and I want to hear what you have to say, but this is hard for me. I need the floor if I’m going to say everything I need to.”
5
Set boundaries if your mom has a negative reaction. If she reacts in a way that makes you feel at all unsafe, enact your exit plan immediately. If her reaction is angry or accusatory but not dangerous, you can choose to comfort her, set boundaries, or leave the conversation. Remember, it's not your responsibility to teach her to understand your sexuality. Protect your own emotional needs first.^{[10]
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- To comfort her, try, "I'm still the exact same person you've always known. And I love you."
- To set a boundary, try, "I see that you're angry, but this isn't healthy for me. I can't talk to you about this if you can't be kind."
- To leave the conversation, try, "I need to step away from this conversation. I'll let you know when we can discuss this again."
6
Tell your mom who she can tell and who she can’t tell. With anyone in your life, coming out should happen on your terms. Your mom may not understand the significance of that. Make sure you let her know exactly who she can and can’t speak to about your sexuality. This way, there isn’t room for misunderstanding.^{[11]
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- You can tell your mom that shouldn’t share this with anyone. Or, you can let her know specifically who she can and can’t speak to about your sexuality.
- “Hey, I need you to know that this is just between the two of us right now. I’m still working through things, so I’ll need more time before others know.”
- “You can talk to your best friend about it, but please don’t mention this to anyone in our family. I’m not ready for that yet.”
7
Give her the time she needs to process. In a perfect world, your mom would tell you she loves you, remind you that nothing could change that, and wrap you up in a big hug. Sometimes though, even parents need time to adjust. That warm, loving response may be coming, it just may take a while to get here.^{[12]
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- Try your best to stay empathetic while she processes. Your mother may be facing some confusing, overwhelming feelings, and they may not be what you expect.
- Your mom may feel guilty for not knowing sooner. She may feel worried for your safety. Any number of big emotions could be coming up for her.
- In time, these feelings will probably become much more manageable.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Focusing on Your Health and Happiness Going Forward

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Celebrate the fact that you just did something tough and meaningful. Be proud of yourself! However your mom reacted, that doesn’t take away from this gigantic step you took toward becoming exactly who you’re meant to be. You deserve to be truly known by the people around you. Today, you gave yourself (and your mom) that opportunity.^{[13]
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- The people you love may need time to adjust. Coming out may take those closest to you completely by surprise, and their reactions could reflect that.
- Your mom’s reaction may not have been what you’d hoped. That’s okay. In fact, that’s common. Don't forget—this will probably improve over time.
- Today, no matter what happened, you deserve to be treated. Go buy some candy, hang out with a friend, or take yourself to the movies. You did it!
2
Keep open communication with your mom. Though it could disrupt your relationship in the short term, remember that coming out to your mom will ultimately create a closer, more honest relationship down the line. She’ll probably have tons of questions for you, and as long as you feel comfortable, you should try your best to answer them. It goes without saying that if your mom's reaction was unacceptable, you should never feel that you owe her any kind of communication.^{[14]
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- By letting her know that you’re here to help her understand, the process will feel less scary and overwhelming to her.
- “Hey, I want to let you know that we'll keep talking about this. I love you and I want you to understand me. So when you have questions, I’m here.”
- Your relationship with your mom is probably important to you, but take care of you first. Your mental health should still be a top priority.
3
Show her how to educate herself on the LGBTQ+ community. If your mom struggles with fears and worries around your sexuality, this could very well be because she just doesn’t understand it. By offering her some educational materials written for parents, you could empower her through knowledge.^{[15]
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- Hopefully, this will also teach her how she can best support you through your journey. You deserve to be surrounded by people who can do that for you.
- Think about your circle of friends. Have any of them come out to parents that you think could help?
- “Hey Mom, I know you’ve been struggling with this. Would you want to chat with Alan’s parents about their experience? They’d love to speak with you."
4
Move forward regardless of your mom's blessing or acceptance. Ultimately, your happiness doesn't rely on your mother’s ability to accept you for exactly who you are. It probably feels so important to you right now, and that makes sense. But your life is going to be filled with love, support, and companionship whether or not your mom can learn to respect your sexuality.^{[16]
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- You deserve to be surrounded by acceptance. If she can’t do that for you, then she’ll be missing out on an authentic relationship with an amazing person.
5
Reach out to your support system to help you cope. No matter how your mom reacts, things in your life may feel shaky for a little while after you come out. Go to the people you love for a hug, an ear, a laugh, or a word of encouragement when you need it. Prioritize seeing people who just make you feel great.^{[17]
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- Go laugh your head off with your best pal over a cup of coffee.
- Enjoy a long walk with that friend who’s a really great listener.
- If you’re struggling to find someone to talk to, know that there are so many resources out there for you. Call an LGBTQ+ support hotline for help.
6
Continue to put yourself first. Offering your mom support and communication could be a huge help, but above all, you need to be taking care of you. Get your sleep, eat well, and keep your confidence up through daily positive affirmations. With extra stress in your life, now is the time to make sure you’re keeping your foundation strong, resilient, and healthy.^{[18]
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- Get 8 hours of sleep each night.
- Make sure you’re eating enough food each day.
- Each morning, look in the mirror and say you’re proud of yourself. “It was so hard to come out to my mom, but I did it. I’m so brave.”

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I figure out if my mom is the right person to tell? I'm not so sure she'll be supportive.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

Trust your guts. If deep down you don't think she's going to respond in a productive and supportive way, don't tell her. If you want to come out, tell someone you know you can trust. Whether it's an uncle, sibling, or whatever, you don't have to jump right to your mom if you're not comfortable with that.
Question

Whenever I think about coming out, I feel sick. How can I build up the courage?

Community Answer

You should never feel obligated to come out. Don't come out until you're ready. When you are ready, take deep breaths and remember that you are not alone.
Question

What if I have told my friends before my mother? Is that wrong?

Community Answer

No. Who you come out to (or not) and in what order is your choice and yours alone.