How to Talk to a Girl You Don't Know

It can be nerve-wracking to try to talk to a girl you don’t know, but with some conversation pointers, you’ll be feeling confident and ready to give it a try. If you’re approaching a girl in person, give her a warm smile and read her body language to see if she seems ready to talk. Then strike up a conversation about where you are, ask her friendly questions, make her laugh, and leave her wanting more by asking for her contact information. If you’re talking online or on a dating app, start out with a friendly, personal message that proves you’re thinking of her.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Approaching a Girl in Person

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    Smile warmly as you approach. A smile will show that you are friendly and approachable.[1] It can make the girl feel safe around you, because you will seem more laid-back, and less like you’re on a conquest.[2]
    • You’ll seem like a more fun person if you’re smiling than if you are looking glum.
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    Take a deep breath and remind yourself of why you’re awesome. It’s normal to feel a bit nervous when talking to a stranger, so try to calm yourself down by taking deep breaths reminding yourself of all your great qualities. Remember, there’s nothing to lose! If she doesn’t want to talk, you’ll be okay, but if you never try, you’ll never know.[3]
    • Tell yourself: “I’m kind, I’m funny, and I’m wearing this great sweatshirt. She’ll be happy to chat with me.”
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    Groom yourself well to boost your confidence. Make sure you’re looking and feeling your best by taking a shower, wearing deodorant, and wearing clothes that you like. There’s no need to try to look way different than you normally look, just put in a bit of attention to smelling clean and looking well-groomed, and you’ll have the confidence to approach any girl.[4]
    • How attractive you are is less about how your body looks and more about how you present yourself. If you look like you take good care of yourself, and are a friendly, smiling person, you'll be much more attractive.
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    Make eye contact with her. As you walk over, try to make eye contact with her, so that she knows you’re on your way, and isn’t surprised.[5] To be the most friendly, try to approach her from the side or the front, so that she can see you, instead of from the back. Eye contact can help build trust and establish that you want to talk to her.[6]
    • If you have to approach her from the back, you should try saying “Hi,” instead of tapping her shoulder. Some girls feel panicky when someone taps them unexpectedly.
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    Read her body language for signs she’s ready to talk. Signs of positive body language include smiling, leaning toward you, making eye contact, and fiddling with her outfit or her hair. Signs that she isn’t interested in talking could include crossing her arms, looking at the ground, stepping away from you, or looking at her phone.[7]
    • If you know she’s shy, then don’t take the lack of eye contact as a bad sign.
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    Leave respectfully if she doesn’t seem eager to talk. Try not to take it personally. She may be having a hard day, or be really shy, or maybe she has a crush on somebody else and doesn’t want to flirt with you.[8]
    • You can try approaching her again on a different day, and see if she takes it better. However, if she doesn’t seem interested the second time, it’s best to leave it there. She might find it creepy or annoying if you keep trying. Instead, think of other girls who you can try talking to.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Holding a Conversation

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    Strike up a conversation based on where you are. For example, if you meet a girl at a bus stop, you could talk about the weather. If you’re in a coffee shop, you could ask her for help deciding what drink to order. If you see her at school, ask her how class went.[9]
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    Introduce yourself and ask for her name. After you’ve talked for a minute, introduce yourself and ask for her name. You can just give your first name if you want to keep it casual. Telling each other your names is a great way to establish connection.[11]
    • Say, “I’m Jojo, by the way. What’s your name?”
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    Try to make her laugh. Many girls find humor attractive. If you enjoy making jokes, don’t be afraid to be silly. You can make wacky comments about things that you see, say something a bit self-deprecating, or crack a so-bad-it’s-good pun. You can also tease her gently, but make sure not to take it too far and hurt her feelings.[12]
    • If you find it hard to joke around with people you don’t know, don’t sweat it. You can charm her with other great aspects about you, like your positivity, or your great smile.
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    Ask her open-ended questions and listen. The best way to keep a conversation flowing is to have it be a give-and-take of ideas. If you’re feeling nervous, you might be tempted to ramble on, but you’ll have much better luck getting to know a girl if you ask her open-ended questions and truly listen to what she says.[13]
    • Don’t ask her anything super personal off the bat. You could ask her, “What do you like about this coffee place?” or “I like your Hogwarts shirt. What’s your favorite Harry Potter book?”
    • If you’re talking to her in school, you could say, “What teacher do you have for history?” or “Are you on the basketball team? I think I saw you play the other week.”
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    Keep the conversation positive. Whenever you say something, say it with positive energy. If you get to know each other better, you can bring up heavier, deeper stuff, but now is the time to talk about things and people you love. It will make you seem like an excited, caring person.[14]
    • For example, if she tells you her favorite band, and asks if you like it, don’t say, “I hate those guys. They sound like trash.” Instead, steer the conversation in a positive direction: “I don’t know them too well. I do love outdoor concerts, though. Have you ever been?”
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    Drop a subtle compliment about her personality. Focus on things about her inner beauty, like “You’re so funny,” or “You’re so sweet.” If you want to compliment her appearance, stick to complimenting her smile, hair, eyes, and clothes, so that it’s not objectifying. Be sincere, and use words like pretty and cute, instead of hot or sexy, to avoid creeping her out.[15]
    • Try to drop the compliment into the conversation naturally. If she says something that makes you laugh, say, “You’re so funny,” after you stop laughing. If she says something kind, say, “You’re so sweet.” If there’s a pause in the conversation, and she’s smiling, say, “You have such a pretty smile.”
    • See how she reacts to your compliment. If she blushes, smiles, giggles, or compliments you back, that’s a good sign. If she looks sketched out and tries to move away, she’s probably not interested.
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    Ask for her contact information before you leave. Don’t let all this great conversation go to waste by never seeing this girl again! Be brave and ask for her number, or ask if she’ll friend you on Facebook or Instagram. If you think she might be reluctant to give out her number, then you can give her your number, and let her make the first move is she wants to. [16]
    • Say, “I have to go now, but I’d love to chat with you again later. Could I get your number?”
    • Or say, “I’d love to see you again. Can I get your number?” Then hand her your phone, to get the ball rolling.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Texting and Using Dating Apps

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    Text the girl for advice if you have her number. This is a great excuse to text someone that you don’t know that well. The advice could be about anything: what class to take, where’s the best ice cream place in town, what book you should read.[17]
    • Incorporate a compliment to be more flirty. Text her: “I don’t know which classes to pick for next semester and you’re the smartest girl around. Advice?” Or, “You sang so beautifully at the choir concert yesterday! Any song recs? I need more music.”
    • Make it a joke by pretending it’s urgent. “I need help with an urgent question: what’s the best ice cream in town?”
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    Ask the girl for a recommendation to get the conversation started. Even if you don’t know the girl, it’s generally safe to assume that she likes listening to music, watching TV, or reading books. You can tell her you just finished a TV show, or are looking for new tunes.[18]
    • Text something like, “I just finished “Derry Girls.” So good! Any new show recs to fill this hole in my heart?”
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    Send her a “thought of you” text to show your sweet side. This is really sweet and proves that she’s been on your mind, even if you don’t know her too well. If you’ve got a crush on a cute girl in your class, this is a good way to send her a first message out of the blue.[19]
    • Text something like, “Was just listening to the Les Mis soundtrack and I remembered how awesome you were in the spring musical. What’s up?”
    • Mention something that you have in common. For example, “Just ran into Mr. Trevor at the grocery store. Lol so awkward. Don’t know how I would survive that class without your funny comments.”
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    Ask a girl in your class on a study date as an excuse to hang out. If you’ve just got the number of a cute girl in your class, or you’re messaging her on social media, asking her to study is the perfect excuse to get together. If you want to make it a bit more flirty, use the word “date.”[20]
    • Text, “Can’t believe how much homework Mr. L gave us… Homework date this weekend?”
    • Or make her the hero by texting, “I am dying here trying to study for the bio test. Save me?”
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    5
    Reference a girl’s bio when messaging her on a dating app. When you’re sending the first message to a girl you just matched with on a dating app, don’t just say, “Hey,” or tell the girl that she looks pretty. Prove that you’ve taken the time to read her bio by mentioning something in it.[21]
    • Feel free to make your message a bit funny and self-deprecating. For example, if her bio says she’s into karaoke, you can say something like, “I see you’re a karaoke star. Is horrible off-key singing a deal-breaker for you? Asking for a friend ;)”
    • For example, if her bio says she likes to watch Friends, you could say, “So are you more of a Rachel, a Phoebe, or a Monica?” If it says she likes reading, ask her what’s her favorite book she’s read recently.
    • If she doesn’t have anything specific in her bio, ask her a question on one of her photos. For example, “That view looks gorgeous! Where is it?”
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    Ask her out on a date after a bit of banter on a dating app. Remember, the point of a dating app is not to talk forever virtually, but to set up a time to meet in person. So after you’ve established a bit of friendly banter, go ahead and ask her out.[22] You won’t really know if you two get along until you meet in person.[23]
    • Be direct and clear, and suggest a plan. Say something like, “Can I take you out to coffee this week? There’s a new café on Teresa Street with killer pastries.”
    • Or say, “Would love to continue this chat in person. How about drinks at Benni’s on Friday?”
    • If she’s not free the time you suggest, ask her when she is free.
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Expert Q&A
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  • Question
    What happens if she doesn't want to talk to me?
    David Kornel Z
    David Kornel Z
    Dating Coach
    David Kornel Z is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Coming from a bilingual family, David has always been fascinated by communication and relationships. He speaks five languages and runs a language and communication coaching and tutoring business in Europe.
    David Kornel Z
    David Kornel Z
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    Then you say, "No worries, I totally understand," and call it a day. It may feel weird being turned down after you've worked up the courage to approach her, but you can't force anyone to talk to you. It really isn't a big deal, so don't worry about it!
  • Question
    How do you greet a girl you don't know?
    David Kornel Z
    David Kornel Z
    Dating Coach
    David Kornel Z is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Coming from a bilingual family, David has always been fascinated by communication and relationships. He speaks five languages and runs a language and communication coaching and tutoring business in Europe.
    David Kornel Z
    David Kornel Z
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    Just say hello and introduce yourself. There's no secret to it. Just be genuine and treat her like a normal person.
  • Question
    Is it okay to approach a girl you don't know?
    David Kornel Z
    David Kornel Z
    Dating Coach
    David Kornel Z is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Coming from a bilingual family, David has always been fascinated by communication and relationships. He speaks five languages and runs a language and communication coaching and tutoring business in Europe.
    David Kornel Z
    David Kornel Z
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    If you're respectful and authentic, sure. I think a lot of people out there think it's not okay to do this, but there's nothing wrong with going up to someone and talking to them.
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References

  1. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
  2. ↑ David Kornel Z. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  3. ↑ https://www.inc.com/john-rampton/12-ways-to-fake-being-happy-in-uncomfortable-situations.html
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201111/being-beautiful-or-handsome-is-easier-you-think
  5. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
  6. ↑ David Kornel Z. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201107/10-tips-talk-about-anything-anyone
  8. ↑ David Kornel Z. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  9. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/christinapark/2015/03/30/an-introverts-guide-to-small-talk-eight-painless-tips/#6bf5e956574a
  1. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
  2. ↑ https://zety.com/blog/how-to-introduce-yourself
  3. ↑ https://www.livescience.com/60060-humor-increases-attractiveness.html
  4. ↑ David Kornel Z. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  5. ↑ https://www.mantelligence.com/things-to-talk-about-with-a-girl/
  6. ↑ David Kornel Z. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  7. ↑ https://introvertedalpha.com/how-to-get-her-number/
  8. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/g3/flirty-text-message-ideas/?slide=10
  9. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/g3/flirty-text-message-ideas/?slide=10
  10. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/g3/flirty-text-message-ideas/?slide=30
  11. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/g3/flirty-text-message-ideas/?slide=36
  12. ↑ https://www.datingmetrics.com/what-to-say-to-a-girl-on-tinder/
  13. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
  14. ↑ https://www.datingmetrics.com/what-to-say-to-a-girl-on-tinder/

About This Article

Joshua Pompey
Co-authored by:
Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
This article was co-authored by Joshua Pompey. Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert with over 10 years of helping people navigate the online dating world. Joshua has run his own relationship consulting business since 2009 at a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world. This article has been viewed 340,719 times.
15 votes - 80%
Co-authors: 18
Updated: April 1, 2022
Views: 340,719
Categories: Conversation Skills
Article SummaryX

While it can be nerve-wracking to talk to a girl you don’t know, try to use your body language to tell her you're interested and have a few conversation starters ready to feel more confident. As you approach the girl, make eye contact with her and smile warmly to show her that you’re friendly and approachable. If you're feeling nervous, take a few breaths and remind yourself of your best qualities, like being funny or kind. When you’re ready to strike up a conversation, try talking about where you are. For example, if you’re at a coffee shop, ask her to help you decide what drink to order. After chatting for a minute, introduce yourself and ask for her name. To keep the conversation going, try asking some open-ended questions, like “What do you like best about this coffee shop?” Before you leave, ask if you can keep in touch by saying something like “I have to go now, but I’d love to chat more. Could I get your number?” To learn how to ask the girl out on a date, keep reading!

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