It can be hard to know what to say when someone apologizes to you, especially if they say “sorry” over text instead of in person. In this article, we’ll talk you through how to recognize a sincere apology and give you some tips on how to reply—whether you accept the apology or not.

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Look for signs that the apology is sincere.

  1. A good apology should be unconditional. It can be really hard to pick up on someone’s tone over text, which is why it’s not the ideal way to give (or respond to) an apology. Still, the actual words of the apology can help you figure out if it’s sincere or not.[2] A good apology should:[3]
    • Express remorse. For example, “I feel terrible about what I did yesterday.”
    • Take responsibility for what they did and recognize the impact it had. For instance, “I understand that what I said was insensitive, and that it really hurt you.”
    • Attempt to make things better, e.g., by promising not to repeat the action or offering to make it up to you somehow.
    • Avoid making excuses, minimizing what they did, or blaming you for what happened. For example, a good apology should not include phrases like, “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t upset me,” or “I’m sorry if you were offended.”[4]
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Admit it if you’re still upset.

  1. Sometimes healing takes time. Even if you accept the apology, it’s totally natural to still feel bothered by what happened. If that’s the case, be honest about how you’re feeling instead of trying to hide it or bottle it up. Being open will probably help you feel a little better, and it will also give the other person a better sense of where things stand between you.[12]
    • For example, you might say something like, “Hey, I appreciate it. I’m still a bit mad about what happened, but I’ll get over it.” Or, “Ok, thanks for apologizing. It’s going to be a while before I feel better about things, but that helps.”
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Let them know if you don’t accept the apology.

  1. It’s okay to reject an apology sometimes. If their apology is insincere, or if you feel like it just isn’t enough to make up for what they did, let them know.[13] You can also tell them that you appreciate the apology, but you’re not yet ready to accept it.
    • For instance, if you don’t feel like their apology was good enough, you could say something like, “No, I can’t accept your apology. It doesn’t sound like you’re really taking responsibility for what happened.”
    • Or, “Thanks for apologizing, but I’m still really upset and I’m not ready to forgive you yet. Please give me some time.”
    • If the apology is from someone who means a lot to you, consider giving them a second chance to apologize more sincerely. Explain what you’d need from them in order to accept the apology (e.g., “I need you to let me know that you understand why I’m so hurt.”).
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Tell them what they can do to make things better.

  1. An apology means more when it’s backed up by actions. Take a moment to talk about how you can both move on from what happened. You could suggest a compromise or make a gentle request for them to change their behavior in the future.[14]
    • For example, you might say something like, “Next time you’re upset with me, please say how you feel instead of yelling.” Or, “I get that you were frustrated because I was taking too long, and I’ll try to be better about that. But in the future, just check in with me instead of leaving without me.”
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Call them if you want a more serious discussion.

  1. Texting isn’t great for important conversations. If the person is apologizing about something pretty minor, or if you don’t have a lot to say in response, then shooting back a quick text might work okay. But if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk with them, it’s better to call or do it in person.[17] [18]
    • You might send a message saying something like, “What happened yesterday is kind of a big deal, and I don’t want to talk about it over text. Can I give you a call?”
    • You could also say, "Thanks so much your text, but I think this is something we should talk about in person."[19]

About This Article

Julianne Cantarella
Co-authored by:
Dating & Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Julianne Cantarella and by wikiHow staff writer, Megaera Lorenz, PhD. Julianne Cantarella is a Dating Coach, Certified Life Coach, Licensed Social Worker, and the CEO and President of New Jersey's Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping women heal from a heartbreak and create healthy long-term relationships. Julianne created a comprehensive transformational date coaching program From First Date to Soulmate™ that has helped hundreds of women find love. She holds a Bachelor of Social Work (BSW) from Ramapo College of New Jersey and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from Fordham University. Julianne has contributed to numerous media such as Your Tango Online Magazine, 24Seven Wellness Magazine, and Talk of The Town Magazine. She has also been featured as a relationship expert on CBS, iHeartRadio, and PBS “This Emotional Life Project.” This article has been viewed 197,223 times.
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Co-authors: 5
Updated: November 11, 2022
Views: 197,223
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