How to Stop Being Upset at Your Boyfriend

Written by Susan Pazak, PhD | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

Do you often find yourself snapping at your boyfriend or getting upset at him, seemingly for no reason? We all get angry at our partner from time to time, but frustration and conflict can start to impact your overall relationship. Fortunately, by doing some calming activities and figuring out the root of your anger, you can stop getting upset at your boyfriend and have fun with him again. Read through this article for a complete list of tips to boost your mood and improve your relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, William Gardner, PsyD. Check out the full interview here.

1

Take some time to calm down.

Intense emotions can cloud your judgment. If you’re feeling upset or angry right now, you probably won’t have a very productive conversation with your boyfriend.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} Do some relaxing activities and calm your mind before you approach him about what’s bothering you.^{[2]
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Research source}
- Try taking a deep breath in, holding it for 10 seconds, and then releasing it out.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  William Gardner, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 26 March 2021}
- Or, repeat a mantra to yourself, like, “I am calm, I am cool, I am collected.”
- Try journaling and keeping a record of why, exactly, you feel so angry.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Chloe Carmichael, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 19 July 2019}
- Remember to flight instead of fight. Hold your tongue and walk away to self-soothe, and avoid reacting in a way that you will regret.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.}

2

Notice your triggers.

Figure out what makes you upset to avoid blowing up.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} If you can catch anger before it explodes, you can better understand why it’s happening (and how to avoid it). If you find yourself getting super angry, examine what just happened, then write it down. When you come across this trigger in the future, you’ll be able to notice it before it makes you upset.^{[7]
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Expert Source

William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 26 March 2021}
- A trigger for you might be when your boyfriend makes plans but doesn’t follow through with them.
- Or, you might find yourself getting upset when you make an effort to reach out to your boyfriend, but he doesn’t do the same.
- If you're having a hard time figuring out what exactly is making you upset, try writing your feelings down to help process them.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.}

3

Examine your underlying emotions.

Being upset or angry often hides what we’re truly feeling. When you find yourself getting worked up about something, take a second and ask yourself what you’re actually upset about. Chances are, you’ll find the deeper emotion that you can work through and handle, either on your own or with your partner.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 July 2019}
- If you’re super angry about your boyfriend not doing the dishes, it might be because you feel stressed about chores or taken advantage of.
- If you’re upset about your boyfriend being late, it might be because you feel disrespected or like your time isn’t as important as his.

4

Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Anger can make you think a lot of irrational thoughts. When we’re angry, we sometimes think things like, “My boyfriend is so annoying,” or, “My boyfriend probably hates me.” Try to counter those thoughts with calm, rational ones, like:^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- “My boyfriend and I have a loving, respectful relationship.”
- “I just need to express myself, and we can work on our issues together.”

5

Take responsibility for how you’re feeling.

Getting annoyed with your boyfriend isn’t necessarily his fault. It’s definitely something that you should bring up with him, but it may mean that you need to make some changes, not him.^{[11]
X
Research source} Look deep inside yourself and take stock of how you’re feeling—if it’s not 100% justified, take responsibility for that.^{[12]
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Expert Source

William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 26 March 2021}
- For example, if you get upset about your boyfriend playing loud music all the time, maybe you could buy some ear plugs or leave the room for a while.
- If you get frustrated when your boyfriend doesn’t text you for a few hours, maybe you need to readjust your thinking about how often you two should be talking.

6

Release tension with humor.

If you find yourself getting angry, this is an easy way to calm down. Not everything can be fixed with a joke, but a funny quip here and there can really diffuse a lot of tension.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 26 March 2021} If you’re upset with your boyfriend but you don’t want to be anymore, try making a joke, either at your own expense or about something around you.^{[14]
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Research source}
- Maybe you yelled at your boyfriend about something that seems pretty silly in hindsight. You might say, “Wow, that was kind of an overreaction, huh?”

7

Discuss any underlying issues.

Talk it through with your boyfriend to clear the air. Once you’ve figured out what’s bothering you, it’s time to have a chat. Ask your boyfriend to sit down with you and discuss what’s going on so that you both feel better.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 July 2019}
- Try not to hold grudges, either. Letting something fester inside will only make you feel worse.
- Start the conversation by saying something like, “Hey, could you come talk with me for a second? I wanted to chat about something that happened the other day.”
- Remember to always address the situation in a calming and loving way.^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.}

8

Give up your need to be right.

Leave your ego at the door to have a more productive conversation. When we have a problem with something, we automatically believe that we’re right. While you may have a good perspective, keep an open mind, and listen to your boyfriend’s side of things, too. When you give up the need to be right, you’ll be much more likely to find a solution together.^{[17]
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- Think of it as you and your boyfriend vs. the problem, not you vs. your boyfriend.

9

Listen to your boyfriend and be receptive to him.

Hear his side of the story to get some perspective.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} Your boyfriend might have another way of looking at things that you hadn’t thought of before. Let him talk uninterrupted, and ask him follow up questions if you don’t understand something.^{[19]
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- Try questions like, “Could you explain that a little more?” or, “I’m not sure I understand. Would you mind elaborating?”

10

Express what you’d like to happen.

Come with a solution in mind to help solve the problem. Then, explain that to your boyfriend and see what he thinks about it. If you come with an answer rather than just a problem to solve, you’re much more likely to find a resolution that suits you both.^{[20]
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- For instance, if you find yourself doing all of the chores around the house, you might propose creating a chore chart that you split evenly.
- If you want to spend more time with your boyfriend, you might set aside specific days of the week for date nights.

11

Work together to find a solution.

Compromise with your boyfriend so that you’re both happy. Make sure your boyfriend is okay with whatever resolution you two come up with. You might have to bend a little (and he might too) to ensure that you’re both okay with the outcome.^{[21]
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- For example, if you want your boyfriend to text you while he’s out but he wants to put his phone away, suggest that he texts you at least once to tell you when he’s coming home.
- If you want to hang out every day but your boyfriend needs some alone time, suggest hanging out every other day instead.

12

Accept your boyfriend for who he is.

Trying to change your partner will only lead to heartbreak. Your boyfriend might change a little bit, but mostly, his personality and his habits are going to stay the same. Do your best to accept your boyfriend, and don’t ask him to change (since that could lead to resentment).^{[22]
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- If you have a lot of things you want to change about your boyfriend, it might be time to rethink the relationship.