How to Set Boundaries in Christian Dating

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan and Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: September 22, 2022 References

When you set them up right, boundaries can make dating even more enjoyable and comfortable. As a Christian, you already know that intimacy is something reserved for marriage. As a result, you might be wondering about how to best preserve your commitment to God when temptation seems to creep in to your relationship. We’re here to help by guiding you through how to set boundaries in Christian dating, so read on for some helpful advice.

1

Know your own boundaries beforehand.

Journal about your boundaries before entering a new relationship. Write down what kinds of emotional and physical boundaries you would need to save for a serious relationship, and which boundaries you want to save for marriage. Sometimes, the excitement of meeting someone new can make us relax our boundaries, but by writing them down beforehand, you can make sure you don’t get too carried away.
- For example, many Christians are comfortable with a kiss on the cheek to show affection, but draw the line at long make-out sessions or anything below the belt. Your boundaries may be different: it’s important that you not compare your boundaries to others, and instead do what feels spiritually right to you.^{[1]
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  Erika Kaplan
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  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- The boundaries you journal might look something like this: “I want to save sex for marriage and kissing for a fiance after we’ve been engaged. I want to wait to say “I love you” at least until we’ve already had serious conversations about our future lives together, and wait until marriage before moving in together.”
- In Biblical times, people didn’t date, and instead marriages were generally pre-arranged. Therefore, the Bible doesn’t explicitly say what acts are acceptable before marriage, but you should draw a line between acts of affection and acts of a sexual nature. Where that line should be depends on you and your own personal understanding of faith.

2

Talk about physical boundaries early in your relationship.

It’s okay to be explicit about what acts cross a boundary for you. It can feel awkward to bring this topic up at the start of a new relationship, but someone who wants to help you honor your commitment to God will understand. Start a conversation by saying something like “Before we get more serious in our relationship, I want us to be on the same page about what kind of intimacy we want to save for marriage.”^{[2]
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- It’s okay if you and your partner come into the relationship with different expectations for boundaries, but try to leave this conversation with the same ones. Neither you or your partner should commit to going any farther than either of you feels is comfortable—no one should feel pushed to loosen their boundaries.^{[3]
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  Erika Kaplan
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  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- For example, if your partner is okay with spending the night at your place, but you’d rather have a curfew after which you return to your respective homes, the curfew should be the boundary for your relationship.

3

Stay emotionally independent at first.

Emotional intimacy can be just as tempting as physical intimacy. Set up emotional boundaries for yourself: for example, there’s no such thing as taking things too slow, so wait to tell your partner you love them until you’re absolutely sure. Instead of quick declarations of love, focus first on building a strong friendship with someone you’re interested in before moving on to a romantic relationship.^{[4]
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- Wait until you feel very committed to your partner before deciding to pray together. Praying together can build spiritual intimacy before your relationship is ready—remember that God is interested in our authentic, private selves, not the selves we use to impress potential romantic partners.^{[5]
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- Be wary of emotionally depending on your partner. At least until you’re married, you should feel comfortable living your life independent of your partner—your partner’s presence should feel like something enjoyable, not something necessary.
- As scripture tells us: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Just as Christians are called to guard their hearts against negative influences and evil intentions, they are likewise asked to be judicious about who they give their heart to.

4

Help each other stay accountable.

Christian dating is an opportunity to work on communication. Make a habit of reminding each other of your commitments to God whenever you’re in a situation that could threaten your boundaries. For example, if you’re alone in a room together, open the door, and tell your partner something like, “I love spending time with you, and I’m doing this so that we can feel more relaxed.”^{[6]
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- In your married life, sexual desire will come and go—it’s only natural. Dating in a way that is spiritually pure is good practice for showing affection in other ways.^{[7]
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  Erika Kaplan
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  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Think of keeping each other accountable as building a relationship that’s not solely about sex^{[8]
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5

Steer clear of tempting situations.

Having dates during the daylight hours can help you avoid temptation. When you’re with someone you’re interested in, try to spend time with them in public—this can help reduce the temptation to break your boundaries.^{[9]
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- Remember that all temptations can be overcome. Keep this verse from the Bible in mind: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10-13).^{[10]
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6

Practice modesty around your partner.

Modesty is a virtue for both men and women. Think about the Christ-like people in your life, and try to emulate their behavior. There’s no need to show your interest in someone by acting or dressing in a provocative way—instead, focus on building a strong foundation of trust and friendship.^{[11]
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- Try to avoid doing things that would make it difficult for you or your partner to stay away from temptation. A good rule of thumb is to dress and act around each other like you would if your grandma was in the room.

7

Have a friend help you stay on the right track.

A friend can check-in on you when you’re in a risky position. For example, if you’re taking a trip with your partner, ask a friend if they can call you at night to make sure you make it back to your own room at a reasonable hour. Scheduling double dates with a friend who is also seeing someone can help keep you both accountable, and also be a lot of fun.^{[12]
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8

Talk to Christian mentors.

A married couple in your church can be a great source of guidance. Try spending your time as a couple in your church community and get to know people who have been in your shoes. Many of them will be more than happy to help you navigate your relationship, and can give you advice about keeping your relationship healthy and in line with God’s plan.^{[13]
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- Don’t be afraid to ask a couple about any issues you’re having in your relationship. Your church community is meant to support you, and you shouldn’t feel like certain topics are off-limits.

9

Relax your emotional and physical boundaries with caution.

Once you’ve set boundaries, try not to loosen them. It’s possible that you’ll decide to renegotiate your boundaries, and end up feeling comfortable spiritually and emotionally taking things further with your partner. If you do, make sure it’s not a spur-of-the-moment decision you may later regret. Have this conversation ahead of time, and make sure both of you have thought it through.^{[14]
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- Temptation can be a slippery slope—one night you might decide to spend a little too long kissing your partner, and the next night you might end up taking things further.

10

Date for marriage.

If marriage isn't in the cards, it’s best to end the relationship. Christians are called to use dating to find a future spouse with whom they can share a life.^{[15]
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Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Dating can be fun, but it’s something that has a purpose. Be honest with yourself on whether you see your relationship as one with a future—if not, it may be time to have a difficult conversation.^{[16]
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- Initiating a breakup can be extremely hard, and it’s important to have a support system of friends, family, and religious brothers and sisters to help you through it. A breakup can be a drawn-out conversation, but you’ll want to say something like, “Although I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, I just can’t see a future in our relationship.”

11

Remember that God is forgiving.

Mistakes happen, and all of us are guilty of sin. Find the courage to be open about your mistake to a religious mentor who can get you back on the right track. Then, think about why the mistake happened, and take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This could mean limiting the amount of time you spend with each other unsupervised or coming up with new ways to stay accountable.^{[17]
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- God is full of forgiveness, and His grace is for everyone who truly repents of falling into temptation. As the Bible tells us, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

12

Take action if your partner crosses your boundaries.

Talk to someone you trust if your partner ignores your boundaries. If your partner pushes you into something you’re not comfortable with, it’s important that you take action, including leaving this person, however painful that might be.^{[18]
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Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries doesn’t respect you, and a lack of respect for you is not something you should tolerate in a relationship.^{[19]
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- If breaking your relationship’s physical boundaries was not something that you both consented to, understand that you may be a victim of sexual assault. In that case, it’s really important that you find a source of support to help you navigate these emotions. Please get in touch with a trusted friend, family member, or mentor. You can also contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to speak to someone who can help you.

Expert Q&A

Question

How important is the use of body language in extending a relationship?

Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Body language is important in communicating to your partner how you feel. It reveals your vulnerability when confiding in your partner but be sure not to overshare.