How to Get a Narcissist to Chase You: 12 Powerful Tips

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: August 10, 2022 References

Narcissists are notoriously into themselves—is it even possible to get them to chase someone else? As it turns out, it’s not so hard to use their self-absorbed characteristics to your advantage. When you make a narcissist feel like the center of attention and show off how valuable you can be to them, they’ll be all over you. We’ve put together a psychology-backed list of ways to get a narcissist to chase you. If you’re ready to win over your narcissistic crush, read on!

1

Flatter them.

Compliments can win anybody over, especially narcissists. Start your conversations with a few flattering comments—tell them how impressed you are by their professional achievements, how nice their outfit is, or how you admire the way they work the room (anything about their status or success is a goldmine). When you give them the validation that they crave, they’ll crave you right back.^{[1]
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- Keep your compliments genuine with a narcissist. They often are successful people, but buttering them up too much will just inflate their ego even more.^{[2]
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- Compliment them a lot in the beginning of your flirtation and then pull back. If the narcissist senses their validation supply is drying up, they’ll work harder to grab your attention (and praise).

2

Be an active listener.

Narcissists love to feel like the center of attention when they’re talking. They want to throw ideas around and use people as a sounding board to reaffirm their thoughts and feelings. Nod in agreement, make eye contact, and paraphrase what they say occasionally to show you’re truly listening to them. They’ll want to keep talking at you again and again and again.^{[3]
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- Summarize what you heard and validate or acknowledge it in some way.^{[4]
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- Try not to interrupt or cut them off—narcissists love dominating the conversation. If you want to contribute, wait for a natural pause of segue to jump in.
- If you don’t agree with what they’re saying, just keep smiling and nodding. You can disregard what they say after the conversation is over.

3

Flaunt your confidence.

Deep down, a narcissist is very insecure and envies confident people. A narcissist wants your confidence and emotional intelligence but doesn’t know how to get them, so they’ll work extra hard to get close to you. They’re obsessed with truly confident people and will chase them relentlessly.^{[5]
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Research source} Exude confidence by making eye contact, using tall and open posture, and highlighting your close and meaningful relationships with friends and family.
- Once a narcissist realizes your confidence won’t magically rub off on them, they may turn on you and take advantage of your trust, time, and empathy to make themselves feel bigger.

4

Show off your unique skills.

A narcissist is impressed by people with talents different from theirs. Find out your narcissist’s weaknesses—maybe they’re not athletic, they don’t have many friends, or they’re a terrible cook. Then tell them about your accomplishments in these areas—your time as a college footballer, your huge social circle, or the amazing soufflé you just made—to make them want you.^{[6]
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- This doesn’t work as well when you highlight accomplishments in an area they feel confident in. They’ll see you as competition to take down rather than an impressive person to collect.

5

Dress to fit their public image.

Narcissists want a partner that makes them look good. They're obsessed with their public image. Sometimes, this means being the classic “eye candy” on their arm to make onlookers jealous. Other times, it means dressing or looking like a successful business person or trendy entrepreneur—whatever fits the narcissist’s constructed image of themselves. Dress to fit their fantasy and they’ll be all over you.^{[7]
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- The way you look is transactional to a narcissist. If your look fits in with their self-image, they’ll consider you a valuable addition to their life.
- Even if the narcissist is attracted to your looks, they may still make negative comments about your appearance to lower your self-esteem. They do this because they’re self-conscious themselves, so don’t buy into their narrative!

6

Take an interest in their interests.

Going on and on about their favorite things is a narcissist’s paradise. Ask them a question about a topic they enjoy to butter them up and make them feel like they’re giving a TED Talk (which they would love to do). Act super interested in what they’re saying, even if you don’t really care for the topic—as long as you’re their captivated audience, they’ll want to be around you.^{[8]
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- For your sanity, try to talk with them about a topic you also like. They can easily talk for hours when they’re fired up about something.
- Narcissists get bored easily when they’re not interested in the conversation topic. Be flexible and willing to pivot subjects to keep them engaged.

7

Ask for their advice.

Narcissists love giving advice—it makes them feel important and knowledgeable. They’ll feel confident enough to give advice on any topic, even if they know nothing about it. Come to them for guidance whenever you want to grab their attention and endear yourself to them. They’ll fall for it every time.^{[9]
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- Ask about low-stakes things like “Which brand of sparkling water should I bring to the picnic?” or “What’s the best park in the city to take my dog too?” Then if you don’t take their advice, it won’t be such a big deal.
- They’ll take it personally if you don’t follow their advice (they want to be a savior), so ask them about an issue you’re having where they might actually be knowledgeable.

8

Flirt with other people.

When a narcissist has their eye on you, they’ll get jealous very easily. They want to be the center of your attention at all times. Make your narcissist work harder to impress you by giving some subtle, flirty attention to another person (It doesn't take much). A gentle touch on someone's arm while they’re talking or some sugary compliments will trigger a narcissist's possessiveness.^{[10]
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- This tactic will backfire if you flirt too hard with the other person. No one knows mind games like a narcissist, and they’ll see through your plan immediately if you lay it on too thick.

9

Play hard to get.

A narcissist will shower you with affection when they have to work for you. It’s called “love bombing” and it’s how narcissists make potential partners feel like they’re in a loving relationship before they show their true colors. They’ll send you long and romantic messages, buy you gifts, and do anything they can to win you over.^{[11]
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Research source} Keep them in the “love bombing” stage by keeping some distance between you:
- Say you’re busy when they try to make plans with you.
- Flirt but then suddenly lose interest in them.
- Act confident without expressing many emotions.^{[12]
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10

Ignore them for a while.

When you ignore a narcissist, they’ll reach out to you excessively. They want to feel like they can get an emotional response out of you, and when they can’t, they’ll bombard you with messages to try and win you back. Try the “no contact” rule and wait a few days to return their calls, messages, or DMs. The less you respond to them, the more neglected—and eager to see you—they feel.^{[13]
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- A narcissist’s messages won’t always be nice. Some will try to butter you up with compliments and seductive comments, but some will hurl insults and lies at you just to get a reaction.

11

Go with the flow.

Narcissists are often unbending and want to get their way. They’re attracted to people that are extremely flexible and don’t make a big deal out of things. When you’re making plans or working together, work around their schedule, rules, and needs to show them you’re an easy add to their life. When they see that you’re willing to go along with their plans, they’ll want to keep you around.^{[14]
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- Constant compromising might get old if you’re starting a relationship with a narcissist. For your long-term sanity, set boundaries with them once you’re together.

12

Overlook their negative traits.

A narcissist won’t pursue someone who calls out their toxic behavior. Instead, they only want to be with someone who views them with rose colored glasses on. Focus on and compliment their good traits (yes, even narcissists have some redeeming qualities!).^{[15]
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- Do not be critical or blame them. It may make them defensive.^{[16]
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- For example, instead of criticizing their tendency to lash out, compliment their appearance during a tantrum or praise their “expressiveness.”
- Narcissists are also drawn to people who forgive easily. They’ll pursue anyone who won’t hold a grudge or challenge them.

Warnings

True narcissists don’t experience love the same way non-narcissists do. They typically lack empathy and view loved ones as people to exploit for personal gain. Know that even if a narcissist is chasing you and appears to be falling in love, it’s likely they have an ulterior motive.^{[17]
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Trying to make a narcissist chase you can backfire. Once they decide they want to be with you, they will do anything to win you over whether it’s romantic flattery or gaslighting harassment. Be prepared for negative interactions with a narcissist while you navigate flirtation or a relationship.

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