How to Find a Dominant Boyfriend

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: April 25, 2022 References

How can you safely and easily find the dominant boyfriend of your dreams? It’s easier than you think! Start searching online with communities and dating apps that understand that dominant and submissive roleplaying in the bedroom is totally normal.^{[1]
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Research source} Date around, explore your options, be true to yourself, and have fun. Read on for a complete guide to finding a dominant boyfriend.

1

Make a Fetlife profile.

Fetlife is a social network made for people who like kink and BDSM. Once you make a profile there, start reading discussions and participating in forum discussions. You’ll meet many new people whose preferences match yours, and you might even connect with the perfect dominant guy. Fetlife is also a great resource for learning about BDSM relationships if this is your first.
- Even though you're looking for a dominant boyfriend, it's also always a good idea to have a few friends who can offer you support. Use Fetlife to meet other submissives, and look out for one another in your search for a partner.
- Be careful when getting into online communities, especially if you're new to the dom/sub experience. Some people might try to take advantage of you, but you'll be okay as long as you're cautious and stick to your boundaries!

2

Use a kink-friendly dating app.

Apps like Feeld and OkCupid allow you to share your preferences freely. Remember that you might have to spend a little time searching for a guy that's boyfriend material, as these apps are also used to facilitate casual flings.^{[2]
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Research source} Nonetheless, as long as you're clear about wanting a relationship in your profile, you’ll be in the right place to make an ideal match.
- Other solid kink dating apps include KinkD, #open, Kinkoo, and Whiplr. Search around and pick one that fits your needs the best!
- Once you connect with someone, flirt a little to find out what they're into. Break the ice, and then send them a link to your Fetlife profile to see if they like the same things you do.
- Ask a friend of the opposite sex to take a look at your profile and see how it sounds. They might have some tips for how you can improve it.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}

3

Join BDSM social media groups.

Facebook and Twitter have resources you can use to find a dom boyfriend. If you're not ready to try a kink-specific app, try joining a Facebook group geared towards kink or BDSM. You'll meet like-minded people, make friends, and maybe even start a steamy new romance. Narrow your search to local communities if you want to meet someone close to you. A Twitter hashtag search like #BDSM could also yield results.

4

Go to a munch.

Munches are casual meetups for new kinksters who want to explore BDSM. Many apps and online communities hold monthly gatherings, which are great for building your social network and meeting potential partners.^{[4]
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Research source} Look for popular meetups that attract larger crowds; you can usually find munches listed on sites like Fetlife.
- Even if you only meet friends at a munch, they can introduce you to their friends, and you might just meet your future boyfriend that way.
- As always, be careful about giving away information to strangers. Get to know the people you meet and let them earn your trust.

5

Meet him in public first.

Be safe and have a few public dates before seeing each other privately. Dating in dominant and submissive relationships is still a process, the same way that vanilla relationships develop. A casual public date lets both of you get to know each other in a low-pressure, friendly way. Have fun and take it further when you're ready!^{[5]
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- Try meeting up for coffee at your favorite cafe or having dinner together. If you're nervous (which is totally natural), go somewhere that makes you feel comfortable and calm.
- It's rarely safe or healthy to start having private meetings and getting intimate right away.

6

Bring up kink soon, but not immediately.

Generally, wait until you're thinking about being intimate with him. Sexual preferences shouldn't be the first thing you talk about with a guy because it might make him think that's the only thing you want from him. On the other hand, if you wait too long, you may end up getting close to him before finding out you aren't compatible.
- It's okay to be nervous when talking about kinks. However, they're perfectly normal and usually an important part of your sex life. Be brave and tell your guy what you like.^{[6]
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- Use your best judgment to determine when to bring up your preferences. There's no "perfect" time, so wait for a moment that feels right.
- Your date may send signals. If his online profile mentions his own sexual preferences, you can talk about yours sooner. If he seems to be taking it slowly between you, wait until he's ready.

7

Be honest about what you want.

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and say what you need to say. You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life and relationship! When intimacy and preferences come up, just tell him politely what you're into (rather than acting submissive or beating around the bush). Dominant guys actually enjoy it when a potential partner takes a chance and talks openly about their desires.
- Communication is vital for any relationship, especially with dominant and submissive partners, so be honest and transparent with him.^{[7]
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- Once together, dominant and submissive partners make their own "rules" about how their dynamic will work, but there's no protocol right off the bat. Simple kindness and courtesy are all you need to make an excellent first impression.

8

Communicate boundaries clearly.

Tell him how you want to be treated and what you're comfortable doing. Communicate so that you know your needs and limits are compatible with his desires.^{[8]
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Research source} If a guy wants something you're not okay with, it won't be a great match. When you meet a guy who is happy to respect your boundaries and whose needs complement yours, you've found a great boyfriend.
- Take some time to research BDSM and find your comfort zone. Know what you want before you look for a dominant boyfriend so that you can easily find a compatible partner.
- Once you have your boundaries, you can quickly and clearly say "no" to anyone who tries to cross them.

9

Watch for qualities of a good dom.

Before committing to a boyfriend, know what to look for and avoid. Once you know the traits of a healthy BDSM relationship, you can decide whether your guy will make a good dominant boyfriend. A dominant guy will also be respectful at all times. Anyone who pushes you to do something you don't want isn’t boyfriend material!^{[9]
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- A good guy will have your best interests at heart, be open to communication, and actively listen to you. Even if he's aggressive during intimacy, in a way that you've both consented to, he'll never get angry if you tell him "no." ^{[10]
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- Signs of a bad or fake dominant include anyone who tries to intimidate you, gets very sexual right away or uses pet names before you've started dating and gotten comfortable with each other.^{[11]
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- When a dominant/submissive relationship is handled with care and respect, it's as healthy as any traditional relationship.

10

Be careful and selective.

Remember you don't need to date the first dom you meet. Don't be afraid to chat and meet up with multiple people and search around for a guy who is most compatible with you—in and out of the bedroom. It's healthy to date around a little since the experience will help you determine what you want. Even if you're not interested in being casual, keep searching for someone who feels right.
- You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to do, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise!