How to Date when You Are Overweight

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: June 3, 2021 References

Entering the dating scene can be difficult, but it can be even more intimidating if you are overweight. Physical appearance matters when you are looking for a potential partner, and it’s hard to feel confident if you don’t feel good about how you look. If you’re trying to date and are having a hard time being positive, try to avoid speaking negatively about yourself and focus on getting to know new people to find a great date in the future.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Feeling Confident on Dates

1
Dress well and look your best. You should always put your best foot forward whether you are asking someone out or going on a first date. Wear clean, well-fitting clothes and make sure you are well-groomed before meeting up with a potential partner.^{[1]
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- A statement necklace, flashy eye makeup, or a perfectly groomed beard will show your date that you are confident in your style.
Tip: Take a shower, brush your teeth, and put on deodorant before your date to make sure you smell good, too!
2
Let your personality shine. If your date has agreed to go out with you, they already like who you are. Solidify their opinion by using humor, talking about your interests, and asking them questions about their life and hobbies.^{[2]
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- First dates are all about getting to know the other person. Don’t take your date too seriously, and try to have fun!
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3
Avoid talking negatively about yourself to your date. It can be tempting to put yourself down or belittle yourself to your date. However, making negative comments about your weight or appearance can make your date feel uncomfortable, or make it seem like you are searching for compliments. Keep your conversation upbeat, and avoid topics that make you feel down.^{[3]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- Putting yourself down before someone else can is a common defense mechanism to protect against feeling insulted. Try to trust that your date won’t want to make you feel bad.
- For example, try saying, “I’m not super happy with the way I look right now, but I’ve been running in the park recently for exercise and I’m really enjoying getting out in nature.”
4
Use positive, confident language about your body. The phrase “fake it until you make it” really applies here. Even if you don’t love the way that you look right now, try to keep your thoughts and words positive so that you feel confident in yourself.^{[5]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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5
Be open and inviting with your body language. If you feel like you want to close yourself off, your body language may express that you aren’t interested in your date, even if you are. Keep your head held high and your shoulders back when you are sitting or standing. Try not to hunch over or cross your legs away from your date.^{[6]
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- Try to keep eye contact with your date as they talk, and never cross your arms. If you look away as your date speaks or cross your arms at them, they might think you don’t like them.
6
Talk about things besides your weight or your diet. Although your weight and what you may be doing to work on it can seem like the most important thing to you, your date might not be interested in the specifics of your diet or workout regimen. Use a date as an opportunity to get to know another person and see if your personalities click. You can mention your weight or your diet a few times, but try not to let it take over the whole conversation.^{[7]
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- Try asking your date about their hobbies and interests to see if you have anything in common.
7
Take rejection as a learning experience. Not everyone will want to go on a date with you when you ask, and that’s okay. Maybe they aren’t ready for a relationship, or maybe you didn’t get to know them first before you asked them out. Try to take rejection as a chance to learn and improve for next time instead of a huge set-back.^{[8]
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- People who reject you solely because of your weight are not good people, and you probably don’t want to date them anyway.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Using Dating Apps and Websites

1
Use photos that depict the real you. Put up photos on your profile that show how you look now and what you like to do. Be sure to include some shots that show your full body.^{[9]
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Tip: Having good photos is what will attract people to your profile. Show off your personality by putting up photos that depict you doing a wide range of activities in multiple settings.
2
Talk to people who you like, not just people who like you. If your self-esteem is low, you might feel like you can only chat up people who talk to you first. That is not the case! You have worth and value as a human, and you are allowed to be picky about who you date. Talk to people who seem interesting, and reject people that you don’t like.^{[10]
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- You can set yourself up for failure by assuming that people you like won’t want to talk to you. If you don’t try, you’ll never find out!
3
Don’t apologize for or reference your weight in your bio. The beauty of online dating is that you can fill your bio with a fun description of yourself. Your photos will show how you look, and people can choose to talk to you if they want to. Keep your bio and conversations light so that people will be more willing to chat with you.^{[11]
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- You can reference your weight in your description if you want to, but don’t apologize for it or make it seem like a bad thing.
4
Avoid people who fetishize your weight. You may run into people online who like you only because of your weight. Engaging with people like this will probably not lead to a healthy dating relationship, and can make your self-esteem worse over time.^{[12]
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- People who fetishize you because of the way you look do not value you for your other aspects, like your personality or how smart you are.
5
Don’t chat with people who have issues with your weight. Some people will have strict preferences for who they want to date online, and that can include an ideal weight range. If a person on a dating app or website specifically says that they will not date overweight people, they are not worth pursuing, and are probably pretty shallow anyway.^{[13]
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- It can be frustrating to have someone discount you before they even know you, but it is better to not have an awkward first date instead.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you seem attractive?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Confidence is attractive. If you like who you are, your date is more likely to like you, too.