How to Break up With Your Significant Other when You Are Already Dating Someone Else

Co-authored by Kate Dreyfus

Last Updated: November 27, 2022 References

Nobody enjoys having to break up with someone, but it can be even more difficult when you’ve already moved on. If you've already started seeing someone new but haven’t mustered the courage yet to break it off with your current partner, it’s important to do this swiftly and respectfully. Don’t worry, though. As difficult as this may seem, you will find a way to get through this so that you and your new GF or BF can start off right. Read on to learn everything you need to know about breaking up with your soon-to-be-ex when you’re already seeing someone new.

1

Evaluate your old relationship.

Take a step back and process what you’ve been through. Consider why you started seeing someone else while you were still in a relationship. Did you and your significant other simply grow apart or did something happen that made you stray? It’s important to understand why you started dating another person in order to make the break up as painless as possible. Make a list of at least three reasons why you may have mentally left your original relationship and started dating another person.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- How compelling are the reasons? Are they enough to stay with the new person or do you feel that this has been a big mistake? You need to know this now before you're a pond full of regrets.
- Sometimes in relationships, couples can grow apart and romantic feelings can change. In many breakup cases, both parties play a role in the demise of their relationship, so make sure to evaluate your role in it.

2

Ponder your new relationship.

Take a moment to figure out what you want out of the future. Perform the same mental analysis with your new steady as you did with your original mate. Why did you start dating this person and what attracted you to the relationship? Most importantly, does the new person know that you're currently dating someone else? If your new boyfriend or girlfriend is in the dark, this may cause problems later down the road, especially if you become serious and yet you've not acted as if you have treated the relationship seriously. As with your original mate, list three or more reasons why you have entered into this new relationship and how it will differ from the previous relationship.
- Are these reasons compelling enough to want your new date to completely take the place of your current lover? Again, ensure that there is no ambiguity in your reasoning.

3

Pick a day to break up.

Pick a concrete day to meet with your original boyfriend or girlfriend. Timing is everything. Avoid major life events such as holidays, birthdays or anniversaries––especially if the anniversary marks a sad occasion such as the death of a loved one. Select a totally random day––one that should have no meaning to you or your current mate. However, don't use an inability to select "the right day" as an excuse not to get this over and done with. The sooner that you deal with breaking up, the better for both of you.

4

Choose a location to break up.

Pick a public place where the other person can’t make a scene. Always break up in person because that shows respect––never on the phone, by mail or text. You owe the other person a face-to-face meeting. However, if you believe the break-up could be filled with intense drama, choose a public place, but avoid crowded, intimate restaurants. If your significant other decides to explode, he or she may not be concerned with the surroundings and have a very public reaction. Additionally, consider a place where you can make a quick getaway. Waiting to pay for the check at a restaurant can be very awkward, so head to a destination that will provide you with mobility. Some suggestions for places include:^{[2]
X
Research source}
- A spacious outdoor park (away from kids and playground equipment)
- A shopping mall
- The gym
- A coffee shop
- A bar and grille
- The beach
- An athletics park.
- Places to avoid:
  - An intimate restaurant
  - Your favorite place to go as a couple
  - The movies
  - Your or his/her home––however, some people feel more comfortable breaking up with someone from their own home turf if they're the only one living there, so this depends on the context
  - While on vacation
  - A play or concert.

5

Talk to your new partner.

Make it clear to your GF or BF that you’re leaving your soon-to-be-ex. If you haven’t already told your new steady that you had someone else, now is a good time. If you want to have a strong, honest relationship with your new boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s imperative you alert your new honey to the situation. Along the same lines as breaking up with your other mate, choose a random day and place to tell your new boyfriend/girlfriend about the other person.
- Begin the conversation by reinforcing your feelings for him/her.
- Explain how your life has changed since you met him/her.
- Discuss your plans for the future with the new person.
- Gently tell him or her that you have current boyfriend/girlfriend, but that you will be breaking up on a certain date and why you plan to break up.
- Reassure your new boyfriend/girlfriend that the break-up will truly result in the end of that relationship.

6

Reach out.

Contact your original boyfriend/girlfriend to arrange for a meeting. Don’t tell the other person over the phone, email or text why you want to meet, but simply ask if you can meet on a certain day and time to talk. Don’t make a lot of small talk on the phone and definitely do not say things like, “I love you” or “I miss you.” Avoid confusing the situation—even if the other person is the one who says it first. Stand strong but be gentle.

7

Rehearse what you’re going to say.

Get into the right headspace and prep for the breakup. Punctuate the other person’s positive qualities first but make no qualms about why you're there––to break up. Ask the other person if they were truly happy in the relationship. You may be surprised to learn that he or she wasn’t happy either. (Be prepared for them to say they were though, in which case, asking them will backfire on you and you'll have to apologize and recognize that they were happy but explain that you're still not.) Other points to consider:^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Avoid telling the other person that they drove you into the arms of another––that will only escalate into an unproductive discussion and says more about your inability to be independent-minded than it does about them. It's not a tactic to escape unscathed; it's a way of telling your soon-to-be ex that you're making excuses. Do your best to focus the breakup conversation more on how much you value them, without getting caught up in who is to blame for the relationship ending.
- Don’t lead the other person on to think that you could possibly get back together. Make it clear that it's over. If both parties are interested in establishing a friendship, though, it is essential to create clear expectations of each other in these new roles in each other’s lives.
- Don’t point fingers––it takes two to make a relationship work (or not work). Acknowledge your own faults, lack of participation and inability to contribute fully to the relationship.
- Don't drag out the past––remain in the “here and now” instead of talking about the time he or she kissed someone else, for example. The idea is to not apportion blame or to try to make your soon-to-be ex look bad; rather, help them to see that this is ultimately a good decision for the two of you.

8

Show up on time.

As tempting as it may be, don’t skip out on the meeting. Show the other person respect by being prompt and exactly in the place where you agreed to meet, at the time you agreed. If you know that they're never prompt, take something along to do to pass the time so that you avoid getting frustrated waiting for them. Take a book, your eReader or play phone games. Just resolve to stay calm until they arrive (and after, of course).

9

Stay calm as you break the bad news.

Keep your head straight and stay in control. Staying in control of a conversation means being ready to open it and to lead with the news of the break up as quickly as possible. Also be prepare to ask questions as much as or more even than you're asked questions, questions about how the other person is taking the news, how they're feeling and what they'll do next. By making them respond to your questions, it shows that you care enough about their welfare to be interested but also deflects a focus off you all of the time, as they're forced to think over how they're taking it and how they're going to move on.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- All the same, anticipate the possibility that your significant other could flip out so keep that in mind during your break up delivery. If you remain calm, perhaps you can tone down the situation.
- If they have items in your home, be sure to allow them plenty of space to retrieve their things without pressure or anxiety. You could even offer to have them delivered but don't sound like you don't want them to collect their own things if they want to.

10

Don’t let things drag out.

Keep an eye on the time and get on with it. Don't allow the break up to last more than an hour. You owe the other person the time to discuss his or her feelings, but you don’t want to drag the break up out for hours; doing so will just encourage unhealthy wallowing and your ex will be tempted to raise a whole raft of reasons why this shouldn't be happening and why you need to reconsider. Have a good excuse ready such as meeting someone else, having to get work done or needing to get to bed early for an early meeting, etc. Offer to drop them back home if it helps or to shout them a taxi ride.

11

End on a good note.

This may not be possible, but try your best to keep things upbeat. This may be especially tough if the other person wasn’t expecting it or didn’t want to break up. If the other person storms off, there is nothing you can do. However, if you can end it amicably, wish the other person well and you can even hug. Don’t make plans to see them soon or say, “Let’s be friends.” The break up is still too fresh to identify any future plans or friendship dynamic.^{[5]
X
Research source}

12

Reassure your new partner.

Your new BF or GF may be anxious about this, so go see them. After speaking with your “now former” significant other, arrange to meet your new squeeze to reassure him or her that you went through with the break up. They will need to be sure that you went through with it and that things are truly over and done with, allowing the two of you to proceed forward happily and with strength as an unencumbered couple.

Warnings

There is always a risk that your new flame won't like any of this and will feel betrayed that you hadn't already ended a former relationship before entering a new one.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 73 Not Helpful 13
If your original boyfriend or girlfriend won’t accept your initial break-up, repeat the steps above one more time. Re-evaluate your behavior to determine if you are doing anything to lead the person on or if you are giving him or her false hope. If not, eliminate all contact with the other person if he or she still will not accept that you are going to break up.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 51 Not Helpful 13
If you feel as if your former flame continues to pursue you even though you have asked him or her to stop, say that you may seek a restraining order. Hopefully, simply saying it will get the other person to back off. If it doesn’t and you feel uncomfortable, proceed with the restraining order.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 37 Not Helpful 23