How to Survive a Bad Breakup

Co-authored by Amy Chan and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: January 5, 2022 References

We know how hard it is when you end a relationship. Breakups are tough on both people, no matter who ended things, so it’s perfectly normal to feel sad losing someone you care about. Even if the breakup felt like the end of the world, you can still use it as an opportunity for you to learn and grow.

Here are 15 tips to help you survive a bad breakup and come out the other side a stronger, happier person.

1

Cut off contact with your ex.

Chatting or checking social media brings back painful memories. Even though it might feel really tempting to reach out and ask how they’re doing, you’re better off avoiding them. For the time being, delete or block their number so you aren’t tempted to reach out to them. Stay off of their social media pages as well since seeing pictures or posts could bring up sad memories.^{[1]
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- If you get tempted to talk to them, write out the message in the notes app on your phone instead of sending your ex a text.

2

Let yourself grieve.

It’s perfectly normal to feel sad for a while when you end a relationship. Although your friends may tell you it’s time to move on, you need to give yourself time to get over the past relationship. Take your time to process your feelings, cry, and feel upset. Just let all of your emotions out however you need to. If you give yourself a full day to grieve, you'll be surprised at how much easier it will be to move on a week later.^{[2]
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- Research shows that people who suppress their emotions take a longer amount of time to recover after a loss.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Amy Chan
  Breakup & Healing Coach
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}

3

Stick to a routine.

Doing the same thing each day makes your life a little more stable. A breakup may make your life feel like it’s flipped upside-down, but a regular schedule can help out a lot. Try to set your alarm for the same time each morning, have a shower right before bed, and fall asleep at the same time each night, for instance. Follow your routine so you have some structure back in your day.^{[4]
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4

Do something calming every day.

Give yourself a few minutes to relax and soothe your mind. If you’re feeling stressed out or anxious, set aside some “you” time every day. It could be taking a long walk out in the sun, reading your favorite books, making a fresh cup of tea, or soaking in a hot bath. Focus on how you feel in the moment rather than dwelling on your ex.^{[5]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Plan a few short breaks throughout the day to step away from your tasks and refresh your mind.

5

Spend time with other people.

Your friends and family are there to support you when you’re struggling. If you're feeling down, the last thing you want is to be alone. Hang out with your closest friends or your family members to keep you preoccupied. Plan a fun activity to keep you distracted, but don’t be afraid to open up and talk about how you’re feeling about the breakup since they can help you through it.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- You can always ask your friends for advice, but you may hear different answers from them. Remember you’re the only one who really knows what you need to do in that moment.^{[7]
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6

Reorganize your space.

A fresh look will help get rid of memories you shared with your ex. Since you probably have memories of your ex in your home or room, try moving some things around. Rearrange your furniture, update your old decorations, or even consider giving the room a fresh coat of paint. The difference in your space makes it a lot easier to spend time there without being reminded of the old times with your ex.^{[8]
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- Get rid of things that remind you of your ex so you don’t have to see them every day. If you can’t throw them away, put the items in a shoebox and ask a friend to keep them safe.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Amy Chan
  Breakup & Healing Coach
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}

7

Meditate to clear your head.

Relieve your stress with a few minutes of mindfulness each day. Find a peaceful and quiet time during the day where you can focus on your meditation. Sit still, close your eyes, and take deep breaths for 5–10 minutes just to refocus your mind on the present. Let your thoughts flow by so you don’t dwell on them for long.^{[10]
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- Meditation reduces your stress and anxiety so you can feel more relaxed after the breakup.
- Carve out some time every day to meditate so it becomes a regular part of your routine.

8

Try a new hobby.

Pursue something you’ve always wanted in your extra free time. Now that you’re single and have more open time in your schedule, look for some fun activities that you’ve always wanted to try out. You could sign up for an intramural sports team, practice picking up a new instrument, or dabble into some arts and crafts. Make some new memories without your ex so you’re able to distance yourself from them more.^{[11]
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- Look for hobby or enthusiast groups on social media or apps like Meetup so you can meet people that have similar interests as you.

9

Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Turning to food, drugs, or alcohol leads to unhealthy habits. We know that when you’re stressing about a breakup, you’d try a lot of things to relax. While these may help temporarily, relying on food, drugs, or alcohol to cope can be dangerous and unhealthy. Reach out to your friends or try doing another activity whenever you feel an unhealthy urge.^{[12]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}

10

Try not to take the breakup personally.

There are a lot of reasons why the relationship may have ended. Rejection and breakups are bound to happen if people aren’t right for one another, so it’s nothing that you should feel bad about. You and your ex can both be great people, but you might just not belong together. Rather than blame the breakup on a personal “flaw,” it may have been from different expectations or long-term goals. Look at things from your ex’s perspective so you get a better understanding of their decision.^{[13]
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- For example, if you broke up because you wanted to move out of the city in the future when your ex wanted to stay, your decision didn’t cause the breakup. You two just have different life plans.
- Remember you can’t control how your ex thinks or acts, and their reactions aren't your fault.

11

Reflect on the positive impacts.

Recognize how the relationship changed you to ease some of the pain. Think about the good things that came out of your relationship and what your ex helped you learn. Write down all of the things you can think of so you can see how your relationship made you improve as a person. Seeing all the positive ways you’ve been affected helps you maintain a positive attitude about the relationship.^{[14]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- Some studies have shown that writing the positive aspects of the relationship can make you more confident, empowered, and optimistic.
- You can even focus on the positive aspects of being single, such as having more individual freedom, not dealing with expectations or criticism, and spending time with friends and family you missed.^{[15]
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12

Focus on what you want from future relationships.

Seeing what went wrong with your ex helps you learn where to improve. Even if you were a great partner, there were probably a few mistakes you made in your last relationship. Look back on the things that you did wrong and think about how you would do it better if it happens again. Don’t get too hard on yourself, but try to recognize where you can improve in your relationship.^{[16]
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- Think about the things that are important to you and that you want in your next relationship.

13

Forgive your ex so you can move on.

Holding onto your anger only makes you hurt longer. Even if your ex hurt you and you’re angry, you can still forgive them so you’re able to move on. Holding a grudge or holding onto the pain only makes you more angry and resentful. Remember that people usually don’t intentionally try to hurt other people, so try viewing it from their perspective so you can understand why they made the decision to break up.^{[17]
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- Rather than thinking of the person’s bad qualities, try to remember them for their positive attributes that drew you to them in the first place.

14

Stay cool if you’re around your ex.

Treat them kindly so it’s not as awkward. Running into your ex can be really confusing after a breakup, but just do your best to stay calm. You don’t have to be overly nice or go out of your way to talk to them if you don’t want to. Just be respectful and treat them like anyone else you’d run into.^{[18]
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- If you want to break some of the tension, just try saying a casual “hey” or “hello” when you pass by them.

15

Wait until you’re over your ex to date again.

Rushing into a new relationship doesn’t give you the chance to grow. Rather than trying to go out on dates and find a new partner, wait until you’ve fully processed your last relationship. Take some time to focus on yourself and avoid the dating scene. That includes dating apps like Tinder and Hinge as well! It takes everyone a different length of time to process a relationship, but it’s okay to move on when you think you’re completely over your ex.^{[19]
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- If you’re dating to distract yourself from the pain, you’re not ready for a new relationship yet. If the root of any of your actions comes from a negative state, like anger, fear, or anxiety, it’ll usually end negatively as well.^{[20]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Amy Chan
  Breakup & Healing Coach
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}

Expert Q&A

Question

What is the best thing about being single?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

There's a freedom of being single—of being able to do what you want, when you want, where you want, without having to worry about someone else. That is liberating and exciting. You can date different people and test out what you like and don't like. Then, you can get really conscious of the type of partner that will be a good fit for you next time around.
Question

How do I know if I'm ready to start dating again?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

You know you're ready to start dating when you're ready to practice opening your heart and connecting again. When you date with the intention of creating connection, of practicing your ability to be present and curious, then you are ready.
Question

How can I recover from the shock of a breakup?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Try creating morning and evening rituals for yourself. Each morning, set aside time for yourself so you can get grounded and start your day feeling inspired. You might meditate, or write down an intention or goal for the day in your journal. In the evening, take time to practice gratitude by writing 3 things you're thankful for and why.