How Long Should I Wait to Text My Ex-Girlfriend?

Co-authored by John Keegan and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

After a breakup, texting your ex-girlfriend can give you closure or even lead to a reunion—but when should you try to contact her? The key to texting an ex is giving yourself (and her) enough time to heal from the breakup. In this article, we'll help you recognize when you're ready to reconnect with your ex and make a plan for texting her! Read on to learn exactly how long you should wait before texting your ex-girlfriend.

Section 1 of 3:

When should you text your ex-girlfriend?

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For a typical breakup, wait at least 30 days to text your ex-girlfriend. According to the famous no contact rule, 30 days is enough time for both of you to get in a better headspace and healthily process your feelings. Plus, when you draw boundaries and give her space to miss you, your ex will start remembering the good times you had together.
- Sometimes, running into your ex is unavoidable. You might be in the same class or work together. In those cases, try to avoid any long and emotional conversations.
- If you see your ex during the no-contact period, you don't need to be rude or run away. Acknowledge her and be friendly, keeping all conversation brief and light-hearted.^{[1]
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After a messy breakup, wait 6 weeks before texting. You and your ex-girlfriend will probably need more time to work through your feelings for longer relationships and more difficult breakups. However, most no-contact periods shouldn't go for longer than 45 days unless you and your ex agree to wait—otherwise, she might move on a little more than you want her to.
- Spend that time healing and treating yourself with compassion. Regardless of your part in the breakup, you don't need to punish yourself. Practice mindfulness and work to understand your own emotions instead.^{[2]
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Hold off on texting until a birthday or holiday after no contact. Look for a special occasion at the end of the no contact period—or the soonest holiday if you've already passed the typical no contact period—and wait to text your ex-girlfriend then. A birthday makes a great excuse to pick up the phone and drop her a quick "thinking of you" text, but you can also do this for any holiday she's fond of.
- It's best to do this if the breakup was mainly on fair terms. A cheerful "Happy birthday!" might seem out of place if your last interaction was a big fight.
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Wait 4-6 weeks after the breakup for your ex to text you first. If you're nervous or unsure about whether your ex-girlfriend wants to hear from you, you could wait for her to text you. That way, you'll know for sure she's ready to talk. Of course, this isn't a perfect solution—if you know that she's shy too, you might have to take the initiative anyway after the no contact period ends.
- Even if you decide to give your ex a chance to text first, keep track of the amount of time that passes. If it's been more than a couple of months, consider taking the plunge and texting her first.^{[3]
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Section 2 of 3:

When should you not text your ex-girlfriend?

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You shouldn't text her right after the breakup. Going through a breakup is upsetting and confusing, but trying to talk to your ex-girlfriend immediately afterward will only add to the turmoil. The amount of time you'll both need to process the breakup is subjective, but anybody should take at least a few days to gather their thoughts before having a productive conversation with an ex.
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When your ex starts dating again, it's probably time to let her go. It can be tempting to text an ex-girlfriend if you hear that she has a new significant other, but it's not helpful for either of you. Instead, you can use your ex's new relationship as fuel to let go and move on with your life. It's easier to heal once you accept that the relationship is really over between you.^{[4]
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- Exes can still be friends, but even that can be awkward when she's starting a new romance at the same time. Either reach out before she starts dating again or wait until her next relationship is firmly established to text her.
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Try not to text her after 8 PM, as it can send the wrong message. Your ex might think you're just trying to get a booty call if you send late-night texts. The best time to text her is early evening—after work but before 8 PM. If you text later, make your intentions clear and set up a friendly conversation that won't be mistaken for something suggestive.
- Send your ex a simple and easy "How was your day?" or "How have you been?"
- Extra context can also help to show her you're not trying to start anything. You could explain that you're just finishing dinner or got home after a night out and saw something that made you think of her.
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If you had a toxic relationship, it might be best to drop contact for good. Time tends to make you forget all the bad aspects of a relationship and only remember the best parts. However, remember that if your relationship was unhealthy, you are not obligated to reconnect with your ex-girlfriend. You're free to move on and look forward to brighter, happier relationships in the future!^{[5]
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- For example, if your girlfriend was controlling or emotionally manipulative, it's best to leave the relationship in the past.
- If you decide you don't want to reconnect or be friends with her, try blocking her number for a clean break.

Section 3 of 3:

Signs You're Ready to Text Your Ex

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Neither of you is angry anymore. The point of texting her is to reforge that connection, not throw insults. You and your ex-girlfriend will need to process any hurt feelings before texting. If you can take stock of your emotions and realize that you're not holding onto any anger or resentment, it might be time to text her.^{[6]
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- It's hard to tell how someone feels over text, so take cues from your ex as best you can.
- If she texts back and seems open to a discussion, keep going. If she asks you not to text for a while, respect her wish—she could still be upset and need time.
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You don't feel lonely or desperate. It's easy to start missing your ex and want her to miss you too, but the best way to make her take notice of you is simply to live your life. Text her when you feel ready to draw healthy boundaries, and you have enough self-esteem to know that you want her in your life, but you don't need her to be happy. If you need to get your mind off of your ex in the meantime, there's a lot you can do!
- Work out, or try some other form of staying active like hiking, swimming, or team sports.
- Spend time with friends and family. Good support systems are the key to healing from a breakup!
- Take a trip if you can—even a weekend getaway or a low-budget road trip. A change of scenery can be extremely helpful.
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You have a good reason for wanting to text her. Before you re-establish contact with your ex-girlfriend, you should take the time to think about why you want to text her so badly. It's important to make sure you're not texting on an emotional whim! Ask yourself a few key questions to be prepared when you reach out to your ex-girlfriend.
- How will you start the conversation?
- What do you want to gain from texting her?
- Is this something your ex might want, or is it only for your benefit?
- Could this make things worse between you?
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You're ready to apologize. If you mishandled the breakup or did something that caused your ex to break things off, you may owe her an apology. A proper apology has several parts: admitting what you did wrong, acknowledging your ex's feelings, and sharing your intentions to fix the problem.^{[7]
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- "I'm sorry that I didn't open up to you when we dated. I know you felt lonely, and I regret that I wasn't more emotionally vulnerable. Since we've been apart, I've been talking to someone about my issues and figuring out how to get past them."
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You want closure. Sometimes, texting your ex-girlfriend isn't about getting back together. You might regret how things ended, and clearing the air can be an important part of moving on. Give her a text when you feel ready to be totally honest, share your feelings with her, and listen to her in turn.
- Getting closure is best done on a phone call or in person. Send a text to get her attention, but save the soul-searching for a verbal conversation!
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You've spent 30 days apart and want to get back together. The best time to try and get back together with your ex-girlfriend is directly after the no contact period ends. You'll know that you're truly ready to text her about getting back together if you've spent the no contact period figuring out what went wrong in the relationship and what you can do in the future to address those problems.^{[8]
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- Keep in mind that a discussion about getting back together is best had in person. Text your ex to invite her for a coffee or a walk in the park so you can talk.