How to Break Up a Couple

Co-authored by Luis Congdon

Last Updated: November 15, 2022 References Approved

Though breaking up a couple is a dangerous endeavor, if you think you really belong with a person who is in a relationship with someone else, then it's worth giving it a shot. To break up a couple, you have to proceed with caution by first planting the seeds of doubt before making the break-up inevitable. If you want to know how to do it, just follow these steps.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Planting the Seeds of Mistrust

1
Consider the consequences. Though you may not think there's anything objectionable about breaking up the person you like and their significant other so both of you will be happier, the world may not see it that way. Also, mature and intelligent couples can see your motives clearly and easily, especially if you have exhibited any jealousy towards one of the partners, claim to be a close friend, or are an ex.
- If this is your goal, make sure you're completely certain it's the right thing. Are you willing to sacrifice your dignity? If the breakup is caused by an outside force (you), and not a natural problem in the relationship, the couple may still harbor feelings for each other which might grow stronger over time.
2
Be sure of the person you want to be with. If you want to break up the person of your dreams and their significant other, then, like Othello's Iago (but far less devious), you have to get in the middle of the couple, slowly but surely. To do this, you have to get the person you like to trust you and to begin to open up to you. Be understanding, agreeable, and sympathetic, and show that you're a good listener. At first, the person may not open up to you about their relationship, but that time will come.
- Just one warning: there's a difference between being the confidant of your love interest, and falling into the Friend Zone with that person. Make sure you don't act too buddy-buddy or friend-like with the person or they won't ever be able to see you as a love interest. If one of the partners finds out, you are sure to fail. This does not work 99 percent of the time.
Advertisement
3
Let the person open up about the flaws in their relationship. Every relationship has flaws, and the chances of a couple past the honeymoon stage and dating for a few years breaking up is low. The worst thing you can do is openly criticize the person's relationship, criticize the person's partner, or generally make the person feel like they are in a doomed relationship. This will make the person feel angry, defensive, and more determined than ever to make things work. No one wants to admit to a failure, especially not in a relationship, so you have to wait for the person to naturally admit a problem on their own.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- You can start by just letting the person talk about the relationship. Ask innocent questions. For example, if you know that her band was playing at a local venue the night before but that her boyfriend didn't show up, innocently ask if he liked her show.
- Ask questions about how the person's night went. If they seem kind of upset, just say, "How was your weekend?" and wait for them to reveal the rest.
- Ask, "How did that make you feel?" Keep it broad with general questions that encourage the person to keep talking -- and to start seeing the cracks in their relationship.
- Unfortunately, you may be trying to break up a couple that is in a great relationship, which would make it difficult for the person to reveal anything negative. But if you've made yourself the person's confidant, it's less likely that the relationship is in great shape.
4
Keep them talking. Once the person does start revealing the flaws with their relationships and all of the problems with their partner, the worst thing you can do is to completely agree or to say, "You deserve so much better than that." This will make the person see that you have ulterior motives. Instead, act a bit withdrawn or confused, forcing the person to talk for longer and explain why they are really unhappy -- and why their partner isn't perfect.
- If the person has to explain their frustration further and you keep them talking, then they will notice the problems even more.
- Just keep the person talking any time something negative comes up. Questioning their thoughts will make the person explore them even further.
- Not criticizing their relationship will also make things better down the line. If you do end up together, no one can tell them that you sabotaged the previous relationship. When you ever openly criticize one of the partners, especially if your plan has failed, it proves you were trying to screw up the relationship.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making the Break-Up Inevitable

1
Be the person that the object of your affection wants. Without completely changing your personality, you can try to be the person that the person you like is looking for in a relationship. If she complains that her boyfriend never asks about her feelings, make sure to do that. If he wishes his girlfriend shared more of his interests, go hiking or check out the new vegan cafe he was raving about with him.
- This isn't as manipulative as it sounds. If you want to be with the person for a good reason, then you should want to be a good partner to them, right?
- Don't make a big deal about it. If they complain that their partner never does them favors, bring them lunch or coffee when they're having a busy day at work. This may backfire, however, because they might just be using you as an emotional dump.
- Don't go over the top with this. Doing these things and being a good person for the person you like will naturally make you start to fall into the role of a significant other, but don't do anything too extreme, like get them flowers, or tell them how beautiful they look. It becomes obvious if you do something romantic like buying extravagant things, and the person may take advantage of this and use you for the gifts.
2
Make yourself more present. This doesn't mean that you should be at the person's beck and call or to be a lap dog. It just means that slowly, you should start hanging out a little more...and then a lot more. Offer to give them a ride to class, grab a casual bite, and propose an innocent game of tennis and until you've become a part of their everyday routine. Make sure you're not getting obsessive and that your love interest is making some of the calls.
- Don't be too dependable. The person should see that you have a life of your own -- beyond trying to break up the relationship.
- Being more present will help the person see what it would be like to be in a relationship with you. This should give them a good and more certain feeling about you.
3
Exploit the couple's weaknesses. Every couple has its own weakness. Let's say they're the kind of people who tend to fight when you're out at big, drunken occasions. Perfect - invite them to your next party. Let's say the person of your affection's boyfriend spends too much money - tell him about a new gadget he can't live without. Let's say you like a person with a girlfriend who is too obsessed with her appearance; take her on a shopping trip.
- Once you pinpoint whatever is wrong with the couple - and there may be many, many, things - you can go about making it so much worse. Turn that little crack into a gaping hole until they can't help but fall in.
- If one person in the relationship wants to get married and the other is reluctant, find ways to bring up the subject of marriage. Talk about your parents' anniversary, invite them to an engagement party, even send them a diamond ring catalog through the mail.
4
Try to separate the members of the couple. Nothing will make a couple lose interest faster than having a good time hanging out separately. Invite your love interest's partner out for a fun night -- or better yet, introduce them to a person they'd click with even more. Do what you can to keep the two people apart as much as possible, making sure they actually like what they're doing when they're apart.
- Don't be obvious. Just casually introduce some activities that would naturally keep them away from each other.
5
Befriend those in your potential partner's circle. If you really think that the person you like is in a terrible relationship and that they'd be better off with you, then chances are that their buddies feel the same way. If that's the case, then you should be friendly with their friends without making a spectacle of yourself, just making them think you're a cool person. This may lead them to ask your love interest, "Why are you still with that loser? Why don't you go out with [insert your name here] instead?"
- When you're hanging out with the friends of your love interest, don't hang on to your love interest too much. Don't make them think that you're out for their friend; just make them notice that you'd make a great match with their friend.
6
Don't be needy. There's a difference between becoming a closer friend and being available, and acting like you want to hang out with the person you like all the time, in spite of their relationship. Don't try to hang out on obvious date nights, special occasions, or times when you know the couple is spending time together. This will make the person you like suspect that you'd be needy and clingy if you were together - and nobody wants that.
- You can make yourself available without texting or calling the person you like every five minutes. Set your trap and wait for them to come to you.
7
Create jealousy. Nothing will make the person you like realize what they'll be missing faster than seeing you with another potential partner by your side. This doesn't mean you should use somebody to make the person jealous; just spend more time with a close friend of a gender you're attracted to, or go on a few harmless dates and report back about it. You'll be surprised by how quickly you'll be seen in a new light, and the situation will grow more desperate. It's good to remind the person that you won't be around forever.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- This will make the person think, "Oh no! This great friend I have may get snatched up...oh wait, why should I care? Could this mean that I have feelings for them?"
8
React appropriately during the breakup. Unless it's very obvious that the person is ending the relationship for you, you should not swoop in immediately and start trying to date the person. Instead, you should be a good friend, a sympathetic listener, and just a shoulder to cry on as the person deals with the sad feelings that naturally accompany any breakup - even if it was meant to be.
- Tell the person you're always there if they need to talk, and that you can't imagine what they are going through.
- Still, don't bad-mouth the other person. Calling the person's ex a jerk or worse right after the breakup might make the person angry.
- Know what would cheer up the person. Give them a silly stuffed animal or take them out to a comedy. Just don't do anything too romantic yet.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Your New Relationship Last

1
Don't jump in right away. Though you may have waited months (or longer!) for the relationship to finally end so you can be with the person you like, this doesn't mean that you should move in all of your things, start hooking up, and introduce the person of your dreams to your parents and fifty closest friends.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.} Instead, give it time. Even if you have decided to date right away, don't spend every moment of every day together -- just see the person a couple times a week, giving them time to heal.
- The best thing to do is to give the person time to heal and not to date at all until they are ready. But if feelings are serious, this is easier said than done.
- A lot of times, a breakup is kind of a form of death. There's a part of us that has lost something that we had with somebody and that's completely normal. You might have to wait a bit, leaving some space so the other person can shift their heart and spirit before they can start loving again. Be patient.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
2
Avoid talking about the ex. Though you and your new partner might have initially spent hours dissecting the previous relationship, this is not the time to rehash it. Though you shouldn't pretend the person's ex doesn't exist, you should avoid talking or asking about them, until the person has had enough space -- this could take months, or even over a year.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Of course, if the person really wants to talk about the past relationship, you shouldn't change the subject. But you can say that you think, in order to focus on your new relationship, you should leave the past behind as much as you can until you have firmer footing.
3
Enjoy your new relationship on its own terms. Don't get stuck in the past, and don't worry so much about being the perfect person for your new partner - just be yourself. If you were really meant to be together, then you'll find a routine that works for you and will find a path to true happiness. Don't compare yourself to the ex, try to be the opposite of the ex, or try to be something you're not.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Sure, you might have used some devious tactics to make your new relationship happen, but if you want it to last, you should think only about the two of you being together - and nothing else.
- Even if you had a deep friendship before, you should find new things for you to do together as a couple that can define you as an item, not make you think of the past.
4
Don't be paranoid about the past. You may find yourself in a hard position. Your new love interest has broken up with an ex for you -- who is to say it won't happen again if they find a person who is even more right for them than you are? Well, no one can promise that it won't happen, but to stay sane and have an amazing relationship, you have to tell yourself that the previous breakup was meant to be, and that you and the person you're with really belong together. It won't happen again.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If you always ask about what the ex is up to or act jealous when the person spends time with others, you'll be dooming your relationship to failure.
- If it's really meant to last, then in the long run, you'll find that you'll stop worrying about the ex or the previous relationship. But this could take months - or even years. If you're meant to be together forever, burying the past will be worth it.

Community Q&A

Question

My ex is in a new relationship and we both still like each other. He doesn't want to hurt her by breaking up with her, so he says we can start talking again when they break up. Should I try to break them up, or leave it be?

Community Answer

Something's not right here - if your ex is still interested in you, then why did he enter another relationship and why is he reluctant to end it? Especially if he was the one to initiate the breakup between you two; he knows that breaking up at any point is going to hurt this girl, so his explanation doesn't line up. (Even if he didn't initiate it, chances are good you were unhappy in the relationship - remember, there's a reason he's your ex.) From an outsider's perspective, it looks like your ex is stringing you along, so it might be better to let go of him and pursue other relationships; he's dating another girl while essentially telling you "maybe later", and that's not fair to you.
Question

I tried this before and I failed, resulting in me temporarily losing the friendship of the boy. We have forgiven each other now, but should I try again?

Community Answer

No. You've already hurt your friendship with him once; if you try again, you're likely going to lose it again permanently. Additionally, if you're trying to break up the same couple, they're going to immediately be suspicious and catch on very quickly since they know you've tried this before. If this is the only way you can see to solve the issue that you have with the couple (whether you hate the couple, or want to be with one of them yourself), you need to take a break from interacting with them and spend time with other friends or do other activities. It isn't healthy to be so fixated on a relationship that you attempt to damage it multiple times.
Question

This girl that I don't like is dating my crush. Should I tell the guy that she's pregnant and cheating on him to break them up, even though she is none of those things?

Community Answer

Absolutely not. Both of those things can be disproved, and will leave your crush unable to trust you when he inevitably discovers that you lied to him. Doing so makes you look jealous and manipulative (which are not traits that people want in their romantic partners), and could actually result in your crush and his girlfriend becoming closer to each other as they work through the conflict. A plan like this is highly likely to backfire on you, and won't have positive results. Take a break from these people instead, and talk to someone you trust about how you feel.

Warnings

It's extremely hard to break up a couple that has just gotten together and is still in the honeymoon phase.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 524 Not Helpful 93
Be careful not to get caught in the middle of a lover's quarrel.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 338 Not Helpful 98
Someone may discover your plot.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 167 Not Helpful 51
This is considered morally wrong, but you may not feel guilty.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 40 Not Helpful 12