How to Talk Your Boyfriend out of Breaking up With You

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: October 25, 2022

Dealing with problems in your relationship can be tough, but if your boyfriend wants to end things before you’re ready, this can be really painful. Maybe you two have been fighting a lot lately or perhaps things just don’t feel the same anymore. Even though he’s ready to give in, you might realize that what you two have is worth saving. Approach this conversation calmly and rationally, work to improve your relationship, and move on with your life if he doesn't change his mind. Take a few deep breaths - you got this!

Things You Should Know

Suggest couple's counseling or a relationship break instead of an official breakup.
If you two decide to work it out, create healthy habits. Give him space, create romance, and try your best to be a better partner.
And when all else fails, focus on yourself, not him. Get excited about your passions, relationships, and career.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Having a Conversation

1
Talk during a stress-free time. The time to convince your guy to stay with you is not when he’s just come home after a stressful day of work or as he’s about to go out with friends. He'll be more likely to hear you if both of you are at peace. Try to talk after dinner or while you two are on a walk.
- Say something like, “I know you’ve been talking about breaking up a lot lately, but I still want this relationship. I love you and hope you’ll reconsider.”
- If you can’t talk during a stress-free time, be as calm as possible. Be rational, listen, and don't raise your voice. Try to hold back the tears if you can.
2
Be honest about your feelings. Maybe your boyfriend wants to break up because he doesn’t know how much you care about him. Use this time to tell him! You don’t want to wake up a year from now thinking of all the things you should have said, so tell him now.^{[1]
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- Say, “I know I may not show you or tell you enough, but I love you very much. You're a great boyfriend to me and I want to work to show you that. I’m willing to work on this if you're willing to be patient with me.”
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3
Listen to his perspective. Your boyfriend might have a lot on his chest that he needs to get off. Maybe his reasons for wanting a breakup are completely fixable, and maybe they're not. Hear him out and then decide what to do.^{[2]
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- For instance, if he wants more alone time, you can both compromise on this by adjusting your schedules.
- On the other hand, if he wants kids while you don't, it might be time to part ways.
4
Ask for more time. Let your boyfriend know that you understand his reasons for wanting to break up but that you need a little more time. Ask him for one more week together, and if he still wants to break up after that week, don't protest it.^{[3]
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- He may also refuse to give you an extra week. In this case, you should respect his reply. Continuing to beg for extra time will not help your cause.
5
Offer or extend forgiveness for the things you’ve both done. Maybe there are things your boyfriend did that you haven’t forgiven him for, and he's tired of being punished for them. Or perhaps you have done things to him that you haven’t really apologized for. Take this time to give and receive apologies. For example, you could say:^{[4]
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- “I know that I've cheated on you in the past, and I regret that more than anything I’ve ever done. I want your forgiveness and I want the relationship, but I understand if I can’t have that.”
- “I know I’ve been holding it against you, but I know you’re sorry for lying to me in the past. It’s hard for me to get over, but I know that if we’re gonna be together, I have to. I promise to trust you from now on if you continue being trustworthy.”
6
Take a break instead. Your boyfriend might not want a full-on breakup, but he might need a break. Ask him if he needs some time to think about things so he can make the best decision. Tell him that you'll wait for him while he decides, and use this time to think, too.^{[5]
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- You should also define the timeline and rules of the break. Will it last a week? A month? Are you both able to see other people during this time?
7
Suggest getting outside help. If you have been dating for awhile or have children together, the relationship might be worth taking extra steps to save. Seek couples counseling if your boyfriend is willing. The counselor can help you work through your issues and create a stronger relationship.^{[6]
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- Remember, it’s okay to get help sometimes. This relationship might really be once in a lifetime, so it’s worth trying if he’s a good guy!

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Changing Your Dynamic

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Put yourself in his shoes. Think about why your boyfriend wants to break up and have empathy for him. Is he dealing with a stressful situation with family or having a hard time with work or school? Try to be there for him instead of nagging him about being with you or spending time together.^{[7]
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- Try having dinner ready when he gets home a few nights a week. Offer to help him with any projects he might have.
- Placing yourself in his shoes may help you figure out why he's behaving the way he is. It may also help you find a solution.
2
Check-in when there are issues. If your relationship is good, there shouldn’t be issues every day. But, good relationships also mean that you have the space to talk about the issues you do have in a healthy way. When these problems arise, speak to your partner about them calmly and with love.^{[8]
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- You can say something like, “It bothers me that you won’t go to my cousin’s wedding with me. I love you and want you to spend more time with me and my family.”
- Urge your partner to do the same, and to speak up when issues arise so that you want work on them. Neither of you should bottle up frustrations.
3
Adjust any behaviors you agree are bad. If you've been doing things that bother your boyfriend, consider stopping them. You might find that convincing him to stay with you is simple if you make some changes to your behavior. Work to be a better partner for him everyday.
- For instance, always be honest with him. Honesty is fundamental to any relationship. If you are a bit selfish, stop to think from his perspective before asking for things.
- Don't give in if he is asking for unreasonable things. For instance, if he doesn't like your friends and wants you to stop seeing them, he's being controlling.
4
Break up with him if he threatens to break up with you all the time. Consider your boyfriend’s behavior. Does he break up with you often? Does he refuse to compromise even in small ways? He might be manipulating you by asking to break up just so he can control you. Get out of this relationship now so he can’t continue this behavior.
- If he really cared about the relationship, he would try to find solutions to problems, rather than threaten to break up in order to get his way.
5
Reignite the spark. Maybe you and your boyfriend have been together for so long that things feel really routine and boring. Spice it up a bit! Surprise him with a date night and come looking your best. Flirt with him and lean in for a long kiss when you’re in the movies or watching TV.^{[9]
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- Try doing something new with him, such as taking a dance class or a painting class. Anything that gets the two of you working together would help.
6
Give each other some space. Space is crucial to any relationship’s success. Even if he’s still on the fence about breaking up with you, create some distance. Don’t always answer his calls and don’t respond immediately to his texts. Plan nights out with your friends and take up a new hobby to occupy some of your time.^{[10]
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- Don't use this as a means to manipulate him or control him. There are some instances where answering that call would be necessary.
- Rather than spending every day together, try spending every weekend together instead. You don't need to be together 24/7 in order to be a couple.
- Giving each other space might help you miss each other and grow closer as a result. If you spend too much time together, you might get bored of each other.
EXPERT TIP

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Our Expert Agrees: If you're dating someone who's pulling away, it may help if you back off and give them some space. Keep yourself busy and stay positive—don't spend all day and night overthinking your relationship. The other person is likely to find your self-confidence very attractive.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward with Your Life

1
Meditate daily. Whether your boyfriend decides to end things or not, it’s important for you to have a clear headspace. Each day, spend some time in meditation to help organize your thoughts. Sit down for at least ten minutes uninterrupted and focus on your breathing and your body.^{[11]
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- If you’ve never meditated before, use an app like Calm or Headspace.
2
Exercise, eat well, and get eight hours of sleep. In taking care of your mind, don’t forget to care for your body. Be sure you are exercising at least three times per week and eating a diet rich in veggies, fruit, and lean meats. Get on a good sleep schedule to ensure eight hours of sleep.^{[12]
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- If you can’t get to the gym, take a thirty minute walk after dinner.
- Exercising, eating well, and getting enough sleep is important for both your physical and mental health. If you do all of this, you may feel better all around.
3
Hang out with friends more often. Your friends can be a great source of support during this time. Spend some more time with them instead of focusing solely on your boyfriend. Remember that you have a life outside of your relationship!^{[13]
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- Call your friends up to go to the movies, go shopping, or go out for drinks.
- If you don't have any friends, consider picking up a few classes that you do by yourself, such as dancing, martial arts, or painting.
4
Focus on your career and hobbies. Explore and develop your life outside of your relationship. If your boyfriend should decide to break up with you, these things will still be there. Be sure you’re still getting to work on time each day and doing a good job. If you enjoy things like horseback riding, reading, or dancing, continue doing those things, too.
- Focusing on a hobby is a great way to occupy your mind after a break up, and it may help you feel better because you won't have time to focus on the emotional pain.
5
Break up with him yourself if any dealbreakers are present. If you have been nothing but a good partner to your boyfriend, but he lies, cheats, or abuses you, get out! Getting out doesn’t make you a quitter, it makes you wise. Pick a good time and let him know that it’s over. You’ll find someone who loves and appreciates you!^{[14]
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- You can say, “Even though I love you, it’s time we end this. I’ve been trying to work it out, but I don’t feel like you’ve treated me well. I wish you nothing but the best.”
- You should also get out of the relationship if he shows little to no interest in you or working things out.