After a narcissist breaks your heart, you're left to pick up the pieces. You're probably feeling a mix of sadness, anger, and betrayal right now, and that's totally normal. When it comes to a narcissist, living your best life really is the best revenge. We’ll help you take control after a breakup with a narcissist so you can heal. Additionally, we’ll help you move on with your amazing life, while breaking the narcissist’s heart in the process.

1

Ignore their forms of manipulation.

  1. Narcissists use their games to manipulate you, so don't let them. They have a whole slew of games they use to control you, such as love bombing, gaslighting, and revenge. You can’t beat a narcissist by playing their games because that’s what they want. Just ignore them when they try to manipulate you. This will drive them crazy because they can’t control you any more.[1]
    • Don't argue with an narcissist because they'll just keep escalating things until they get their way. They're incapable of seeing things from your point of view. Just ignore them.[2]
    • Revenge is actually one of the narcissist’s games. When they feel slighted, they'll spread rumors about you, destroy your stuff, or get violent. In some cases, they'll pursue revenge over a long period of time.[3]
    • Normal ways of getting revenge don’t work on a narcissist, but they’ll hate seeing you move on.
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2

Flaunt how happy you are without them.

3

Set boundaries to protect yourself.

5

Stay calm when they try to upset you.

  1. Narcissists need a reaction from you to be fulfilled, so don't give them one. They want you to get mad, distressed, or apologetic. Any type of reaction will make them feel like they’re winning, whether it’s lashing out, crying, or apologizing. Even though it’s hard, do your best to be calm and not react.[6] Try:[7]
    • Taking several deep breaths.
    • Counting to 10.
    • Repeating the word “relax” to yourself.
    • Imagining a calm scene.
    • Stretching.
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6

Cut off all contact with them if you can.

7

Be leery of future love bombing.

  1. Avoid their attempts to suck you back in to keep control over your life. To do this, they’ll love bomb you like they did in the beginning of your relationship. They’re hoping to draw you back to them, which is called “hoovering.” However, this change is temporary, and they’ll be back to their narcissistic behavior again once you lower your defenses. Brush off their efforts and you’ll come out on top.
    • They’ll likely shower you with compliments and tell you how much they miss you. They’re only going to keep this up until you come back, and then they’ll be back to their games.
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8

Listen to your own inner voice.

10

Build a support system for yourself.

  1. Rely on people who care about you as you recover. You deserve love and support, and there are people out there who truly value you. You might even make some new friends who don’t know the narcissist. That way, you’ll have people who are totally on your side.[10]
    • It’s possible that the narcissist will try to turn some people against you. This experience can be super painful, but it has nothing to do with you. Eventually, most people will recognize that the narcissist is the true problem. In the meantime, spend time with people who see your truth.
11

Place the blame on them.

  1. Narcissists try to blame you for everything, but you’re not responsible. Nothing you could do justifies their toxic behavior. They choose to insult you, lie to you, and gaslight you so they can get power over you.[11] When you start to feel critical of yourself, remind yourself that you aren’t at fault. Additionally, talk to someone you trust who can offer you encouragement.
    • Tell yourself things like, “I did everything I could to make our relationship wonderful,” “I can’t control anyone else’s actions,” “I gave 100% to my relationship.”
    • Vent about your experiences to someone you can trust. Unfortunately, talking to the narcissist will only make them work harder to make you feel bad.
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About This Article

Jay Reid, LPCC
Co-authored by:
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University. This article has been viewed 224,477 times.
154 votes - 78%
Co-authors: 3
Updated: December 17, 2022
Views: 224,477
Categories: Relationships
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