How to Get Revenge on a Narcissist

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: May 29, 2022 References Approved

It’s natural to want to get revenge on a narcissist—they’re self-absorbed, frustrating to deal with, and resort to hurtful personal attacks often. How do you teach a lesson to such a person? In their mind, they’re always right no matter what and they rarely have the empathy to realize they’ve done something to upset you. However, there are plenty of clever ways to knock them down a peg and empower yourself to stand up to them. Read on for a list of psychology-backed ways to get back at a narcissist and show them they can’t bother you anymore.

1

Criticize them.

No one is more sensitive to criticism than a narcissist. They can dish it, but they can’t take it—any small negative comparison or critique will cut them to their core because they need to be viewed as perfect. Simply make a comment on their bad behavior, performance at work, or failure to complete a task (preferably in front of others) to shake their fragile ego.^{[1]
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- You don’t have to be mean, pointed, or sassy when you deliver your criticism. Keep an even and polite tone like you would for anyone else—they’ll still be irritated by it.
- A narcissist will probably lash out to defend themselves against the criticism. They’ll try to criticize you back or blame their shortcomings on something else.

2

Take authority away from them.

Narcissists feel safest when they’re in control of an interaction. They need constant validation and approval, and they fear strong individuals and authority figures because they’re the ones that can give (or not give) it to them. Take control of your interactions with a narcissist and be assertive, make strong eye contact, and speak with a steady, unwavering voice. People who stand up for themselves make narcissists truly miserable.^{[2]
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- You’re more likely to gain the respect of a narcissist when you fill the role of a superior rather than an equal.
- For extra impact, position yourself as a leader on a team at work, in a group project, or on a sports team or planning committee. Your status will intimidate and aggravate the narcissist.

3

Say “no.”

A narcissist expects you to do whatever they want, whenever they want. They think everything revolves around them and are absolutely floored when someone sticks up for themselves and tells them “no.” Stay calm and deny their ludicrous requests for special treatment or favors. They’ll try to change your mind, so stay persistent. The narcissist will feel less powerful when you don’t yield to them.^{[3]
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- For example, say “no” when they tell you to run an errand for them to empower yourself and draw a boundary around what you’re willing to do.
- Saying “no” is different than simply defying their request. If they tell you to run an errand and you just don’t do it without saying anything, they’ll use that to justify their self-victimization and to criticize your “cruel” behavior.

4

Go “no contact.”

Narcissists crave attention and panic when people stop giving it to them. They’ll never understand why someone would ignore or reject them because in their mind, they’re flawless. Don’t answer their calls, texts, or DM’s and avoid interacting or speaking to them in public when possible. They’ll feel defeated when they realize they can’t trigger an emotional response out of you whenever they want.^{[4]
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- When you ignore a narcissist, they’ll try to reach out to you excessively. It might be satisfying to watch them flounder at first, but their messages will turn uglier and more hurtful the longer you hold out.
- If your goal is to break off your relationship with the narcissist entirely, this is the best route to go.

5

Expose their behavior in public.

Shattering a narcissist’s public image is a great antidote to their behavior. When they lie or gaslight you in front of others, call them out. Say, “you’ll do anything to make yourself seem right.” When they lie again to defend themselves, call them out again (“See? You’re doing it again.”). The narcissist will feel humiliated when others realize their grandiose and self-victimizing claims are false.^{[5]
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- Ignore your moral standards for now (a narcissist will only turn them against you). Focus on one thing—no one beats reality.
- The narcissist will do or say anything to try and humiliate you back. Be prepared for insults and false claims about your character or actions.
- Narcissists are charming, and people who didn’t witness this interaction might not believe it happened. The narcissist will use that to “prove” you are crazy or unstable.

6

Succeed in areas they want to dominate.

Narcissists fear direct competition because of their need to be the best. That’s partly why they work so hard to tear people down—they want others to feel less competent, less capable, less skilled, or less valuable than them. Refuse to let them intimidate you and shut them down by outperforming them in something they highly value:
- At work, this could be something like selling more products than them, earning a promotion over them, or becoming employee of the month.
- In school, this might look like earning higher grades, being elected leader of a club they’re in, or cultivating a good relationship with a teacher they like.
- In your personal or social life, you can network with more influential people, grow a larger social media following, or build stronger relationships than them.

7

Make them jealous.

It doesn’t take much to make a narcissist green with envy. The easiest way to do it is to give them attention (the thing they want the most) and then take it away. Start a conversation with them and then turn your focus to another friend or colleague—the narcissist will spiral and try desperately to get their supply of compliments and attention back.^{[6]
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- This is extra effective if you’re dating or flirting with a narcissist. Subtly touch another person’s arm or compliment another person in front of the narcissist to trigger their insecurity.
- Narcissists are especially envious of people with confidence and emotional intelligence (things they desperately want but don’t know how to get). Flaunt your social prowess and strong personal relationships to make them jealous.^{[7]
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8

Trick them into doing you a favor.

A narcissist will do anything if they think it will benefit them. Get them to do almost anything you want by explaining how the task will make them look good or telling them they’re the best person for the job. They’ll go along with it to earn praise and validation (and they’ll probably convince themselves it was their idea in the first place, too).^{[8]
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Research source} Try phrasing your requests like:
- “The boss will be so impressed with you if you can cover my shift this weekend.”
- “Can you help decorate for the gala? You just have an eye for design that no one else has.”
- “You’ll be an absolute hero if you can pick me up from the airport next week!”

9

Beat them at a game.

It isn’t shocking that narcissists hate losing. For a little lighthearted revenge, show them they’re not invincible by beating them in a video game, board game, or some other challenge. The narcissist will hate confronting the fact that someone was better than them at something. If needed, discreetly bend the rules to secure your win and teach them a lesson.^{[9]
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- A narcissist will claim or blame anything to justify their loss. If you did rig the game to beat them, make sure they don’t find out!
- If you’d rather stick to your morals and not cheat, challenge them to something you’re positive you can beat them at, like trivia in a niche category or a specific athletic contest you excel in.

10

Bore them to death.

Narcissists harass people they find entertaining or useful. To stick it to them, act as boring, uninteresting, and mild mannered as possible. This is called “gray rocking”—a near total lack of reactions to anything they do or say. They’ll get bored and irritated when they realize you have nothing to offer them and that they can’t get a rise out of you.^{[10]
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- Narcissists want emotional reactions or personal information to use against you later. If they can’t get these, they’ll leave you alone.
- This is a good tactic to use when you want to make a narcissist suffer but can’t get away from them or call them out.

11

Forgive and forget.

Your happiness and success are the ultimate revenge on a narcissist. Feeling good about yourself is the antidote to someone who’s vindictive goal was to control you and bring you down. Forgive the narcissist. Even if they don’t suffer consequences for hurting you, it helps you release the negativity they’ve created and forget about them.^{[11]
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- Forgiving and forgetting makes you the ultimate “bigger person,” and that is something a narcissist will never be.

12

Focus on self-care.

Narcissists intentionally wear you down and damage your self-esteem. They inflict emotional and psychological trauma to use you and maintain control over your life. These wounds can last far longer than your relationship with the narcissist. Recover, heal, and grow to defeat them and prove they can’t control you anymore.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Focus on self-care tactics like:
- Practicing gratitude for the good things in your life.
- Taking care of your physical health with good sleep, nutrition, and exercise.
- Breathing exercises and meditation to clear your mind and calm your body.
- Allowing your friends, family, and support networks to lift you up.
- Seeing a therapist or counselor to help you navigate your experiences and move on.

Community Q&A

Question

I wanted my narcissist ex to come back. Now that I understand better how he was, I ask myself if it's OK to want him back.

Ainsley

Community Answer

Post lots of pictures on social media. Go out with your friends. Start dating other people. Make it clear that your relationship is over. Control your emotions around him. Set clear boundaries. Stop seeking his approval.
Question

What if you're with a narcissistic husband who spends all day on his phone?

Ainsley

Community Answer

Break up with him. Your situation isn't healthy for either one of you. Maybe you will find a better life and husband.
Question

Does a narcissist have difficulty hugging in public?

Ainsley

Community Answer

Narcissists usually have no problem being affectionate in front of other people. They want to maintain a perfect image in the public eye.

Warnings

Revenge against a narcissist is rarely worth it. Although you might feel vindicated in the moment, the narcissist probably won’t learn anything or recognize they were in the wrong. In their mind, they will always be the winner no matter what.

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Narcissists will use, circulate, or warp any vulnerable information they know about you to retaliate and defend themselves. Be prepared for some ugly and personal blowback after you take your revenge on them.^{[14]
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