What He Thinks When You Don't Contact Him

Written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD | Edited by Dan Hickey

Last Updated: July 17, 2022 References

You’ve halted all contact with a guy after a breakup, but now you’re left wondering…what’s he thinking? For most guys, a “no contact” period will make them realize how much they care about you or make them jealous, confused, or remorseful. It’s a time full of emotions, and we’ve put together a thorough list of what he might feel while you’re giving him the silent treatment. Read on to see how the male mind reacts during “no contact.”

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, Sarah Schewitz, founder of Couples Learn. Check out the full interview here.

1

He won’t be concerned at first.

For the first few days, he won’t think much of not hearing from you. If it was him who broke up with you, he may even feel relieved at first. He might assume you’re busy or processing your feelings, even though it’s likely he’s dismissing his own at this stage.^{[1]
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- This “honeymoon phase” doesn’t last long. After several days, he’ll begin to feel like something is off.

2

He’ll start to get curious about you.

After several days, he’ll wonder what you’re doing and why you're silent. It’s common for most men to expect (or hope) that their ex will be the one to break the ice, and he’ll worry when you haven’t called or texted in a week. He’ll be obsessed with trying to figure out what you’re thinking.^{[2]
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- When he can’t find out what you’re up to, he’ll start making his own stories—maybe that you’re seeing someone, or you’ve given up on him.
- The less he knows about you during this time, the more he’ll think about you during “no contact.”

3

He might begin to feel panicked.

After about 2 weeks, he’ll become anxious over the lack of contact. He’ll realize that playing it cool and not reaching out to you aren’t working, and that you’ve put your foot down on “no contact.” He wants you to feel the same way he does, but if he doesn’t see any sign of you hurting or moving on, he’ll be very confused.^{[3]
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- It’s after this realization that his behavior or thought patterns might change. He may cycle through a range of negative thoughts or reach out to you first.

4

He’ll wonder if you miss him at all.

He thought you’d reach out first, so now he’s doubting your feelings. Questions like “Was I ever important to them?” or “Did our relationship mean anything to her?” might be torturing him, and he may begin to miss you even more. He might even go so far as to think you’re already seeing someone else if he can’t get in touch or see you on social media.^{[4]
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- This is a very uncomfortable time for him. He’s struggling to understand why you’re not responding to his texts, or what you might be feeling in return.

5

He’ll ask himself what he did to cause this.

To understand, he might get introspective and overanalyze his actions. Hopefully he’ll come to an understanding of how he fits into the breakup instead of going into “victim mode.” Especially if it was you that broke up with him, he might have thoughts like:
- “What did I do to make her disappear?”
- “Where could I have been a better partner?”
- “Where could I have shown up differently?”

6

He could be struggling with a fear of commitment.

Going “no contact” often hits men with commitment issues the hardest. On one hand, he’s enjoying a commitment-free, single life. On the other, he’s worried that you won’t be around when he decides to settle down. It’s a difficult decision he doesn’t have much time to make if he wants to get back with you.^{[5]
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- His competitive thoughts might be something like “What if I never see her again?” versus “I don’t want to lose my freedom or emotional independence.”

7

He might start losing his confidence.

“No contact” could make him question what he thought he did right. He’ll doubt everything from his attractiveness and bedroom skills to his jokes and romantic gestures. He might fixate on every little error he made while you were together, adding to his feelings of regret and insecurity.^{[6]
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- Whether it was he that dumped you or vice versa, his confidence will still be shaken after not hearing from you at all.

8

He could feel angry or upset.

No one likes being ignored, and his frustration could turn into anger. It’s normally short-lived and comes from his ego being bruised, but it’s still unpleasant. He might think you’re being rude or fake, and may even try to confront you about it or get a rebound girlfriend in response.^{[7]
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- Anger usually gives way to remorse after a few days or weeks and is a normal response to breakups or the silent treatment.
- In some cases, a burst of anger could lead to him trying to beg or persuade you to come back.^{[8]
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9

He might want to see other people.

It’s possible he’ll cope with the silent treatment by dating someone new. He might feel angry and do it out of spite or insecurity, or he may genuinely want to put his feelings to the test and see if anyone else can compare to you. When he realizes they can’t, he’ll want you back even more.^{[9]
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- He might also find a rebound or fling if he suspects you’re seeing someone new too. It could be because he wants to “win” the breakup, or to prove that he’s over you (even if he isn’t).

10

He’ll get desperate for your attention.

After several weeks, he’ll want some kind of acknowledgement from you. If he hasn’t reached out already, now is when he’ll start texting you or trying to engage you on social media. If you reach out to him, he’ll be hyper-responsive in the hopes of getting you to reciprocate.^{[10]
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- He wants your attention because it reassures him that he still has some kind of pull or effect on you.
- Frequent attempts to connect with you are a surefire sign that the “no contact” rule is working.

11

He’ll show signs that “no contact” is working.

After a few weeks, he won’t be able to “play it cool” very well. The biggest and most obvious sign that your silent treatment is working is that he’ll try to contact you. It could be a simple “Hey” text, or he might even flatout ask to get back together. Other signs your ex misses you during “no contact” could be:^{[11]
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- He asks mutual friends about you (or they tell you that he misses you).
- He’s super active on your social media and follows you closely.
- He’s way more responsive to your messages (if you’re in contact).
- He makes sudden changes or improvements to his appearance.
- He makes sudden lifestyle changes, like hitting the gym a lot more.

12

He’ll see how much he misses you.

When he realizes his feelings, he might want to get back together. This realization usually happens several weeks or even months after the breakup. He’ll recognize how much he needs you in his life or how he can’t stand the thought of you with someone else.^{[12]
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- Ask you outright to restart the relationship.
- Say he’s a changed person.
- Tell you how he thinks things will be different this time.
- Beg you to come back.
- Reach out to you first, if he hasn’t already.

13

He’ll be terrified he lost you forever.

After weeks of no word, he might begin to panic about losing you. He’s been hoping and hoping you’ll talk to him, but now he’s realizing he’ll be a permanent ex if he doesn’t do something. He’ll reflect deeply and, if he wants you back, make a plan to win you over.^{[13]
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- If he truly cares about you and is worried about losing you, he will reach out to you.
- He might have been holding out on communicating for so long because he thought he could “win” the breakup and make you reach out first.

14

He might only think about himself.

If he’s narcissistic, chances are he won’t think about you much at all. He probably won’t be wondering what you’re feeling—instead, he’ll only be thinking about how it’s your loss or how to move on to the next girlfriend. Unfortunately, going “no contact” doesn’t inspire a change of heart in every guy.^{[14]
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- If he was truly narcissistic or manipulative, it’s best to keep the “no contact” rule in effect as long as possible to distance yourself from him.

15

He’ll finally reach acceptance.

After 30 days or more, he’ll come to terms with the fact that it’s over. In this final stage of “no contact,” he’ll stop reaching out as frequently (or at all), his social media activity will die down, and he’ll stop trying to “accidentally” bump into you. There’s no more ambiguity in the relationship—you’re exes.^{[15]
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- This period can be very sad for both exes. He’ll feel down if he wanted you back, and you might feel sad that he’s officially not a part of your life anymore.
- If you were hoping to get back together with him, it’ll be up to you to reach out after the “no contact” phase.