How to Tell Your Friend You Are Gay or Lesbian and Like Them Without Them Freaking Out

Last Updated: June 22, 2022

So, you are LGBTQ and you've come out to your friends. How do you let them know that you like them, but don't fancy them, without freaking either of you out?

Steps

1
Find an appropriate time to tell them. Blurting it out right after they've had a bad day isn't the best thing to do, but neither is putting it off until another day, and another day. Choose a moment when you all have a time to spend to talk it out, and approach the issue seriously.
- If you're not sure about your friend's orientation, it can be helpful to have general discussions with them about sexuality and desire as a starting point. This way, they will become aware that you are interested in same-sex relationships, and hopefully you can get a better sense of their own interest.
- If, after such conversations, you still don’t have an idea of your friend's orientation, be honest and open up about your interest, trusting that the strength of your friendship will help you work through any difficulties that may arise.
- Privacy is also important. Telling a friend in front of a bunch of other people isn't clever. Find somewhere private, just you two.
2
Stay calm. Do not become enraged. Recognize that your friend may feel you are considering changing your orientation. Explain to them that we are who we are because of our sexuality. Remind them that you (probably) battled with the realization, and that you may have even tried to resist or deny it. However, now that you've accepted your sexuality, you know there was never really a choice for you, and nothing can change that.

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3
Sit down and explain. Ask your friend to hear you out before any comments are made. When you tell a friend you're gay, it doesn't mean they have to be upset or despise you. In fact, you're the honest friend who told them the truth, and if they don't accept it and leave, they're the false friends, since you're still you, regardless of your sexual orientation. If they turn you down, and you know you were a true friend who was honest, find new true friends. The world is a big place, and there are a lot of people who share your interests.
4
Pay attention to what your friend is saying. After all, this is your friend, so remember to listen. Whatever the reaction is, keep in mind that you have had your moment to speak. Now it's your time to respond to what your friend has stated. Listen patiently and let your friend to say what's on their mind without interruption, even if the reply is negative at first.
5
Allow them some breathing room. Allow your friend some breathing room because it may be an unpleasant awakening for them. Allow a day or two to pass before approaching them again and asking politely if they've had time to think about it and if you can discuss it more.
- If your friend doesn't want to talk, don't force them. Accept their feelings and move on, whether you want to stop being friends or stay friends.
6
Accept that it may take time or that it may not go well. Some people may take a long time to get over their initial unfavorable reaction. Continue to be kind, friendly, and open with your friend. If they don't come around, at least you know the truth about them: they were a friend for as long as it was convenient, and they abandoned you at the first sign of disagreement. That's OK. Try to make new friendships.

Community Q&A

Question

What if I think my friend is against gay/lesbian/bi people?

Community Answer

Before you tell her, sit down and ask him how she feels about homosexuality.
Question

My friend told me that she is lesbian but I don't know how to tell her I'm bi because I don't really want her to like me too much, I like boys too. What do I do?

Community Answer

Just tell her that you are bi, she'll understand what that means. If you want to make sure she doesn't take it the wrong way, just say something like, "I just wanted to be honest with you about that, I'm not trying to tell you I have romantic feelings for you. I like our friendship just how it is."
Question

I'm in middle school, and I like my friend. How would I go about telling him?

Community Answer

Start by talking about LGBTQ+ issues with your friend to see his response. If he reacts favorably toward the subject, tell him that you want to talk with him about something serious, and let him know. If not, you may want to keep it from him.