How to Tell Your Ex You Still Have Feelings for Him

Last Updated: December 27, 2022 References Approved

You may always have good feelings toward your ex. Breaking up doesn't mean you hate someone. Generally, your feelings of love will start to fade over time, though, and you'll meet new people and move on. In some cases, however, you may not be able to let go of those feelings. If you can't let go of your ex, you can learn how to let him know.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting in Touch

1
Wait a while. If you just broke up, it's not a good idea to get back together with someone, or tell him that you still have feelings for him. Break-ups take a while to sink in. If you just got dumped yesterday, you'll obviously still have feelings for him. But it's not time to let him know that right now. Wait a while, process what's happened, and then get back in touch in the future if you still feel the same way. There's always a chance.^{[1]
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- There's no set time to wait until you get back in touch with an ex, but you need at least enough time to process the break-up. You have to feel like your relationship is actually over. Give it a few weeks at least, and a few months for longer relationships.
- Try seeing other people for a while. Explore different relationships to learn more about yourself. If it doesn't work out, at least you'll know.
2
Reflect on the problems your relationship faced. If, after you've waited, you still have feelings for your ex, you need to do some soul-searching. Why did you break up in the first place? What problems were there in the relationship? If you've only been focusing on what you miss about your ex, you may be forgetting about all the problems you had. Now is the time to focus on those problems.^{[2]
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- Are the same problems likely to come back up? Were the problems your fault, or his? Have you changed in such a way as to accept his problems, or fixed the problems that you caused? If the same things will happen again, it's not a good idea to get back together.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Jacoby
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}
- If your relationship faced big problems, like infidelity or other serious issues, it may be very difficult to get back together at all. Are you willing to forgive him for the major things that he did wrong? Will he be able to forgive you? How can you earn trust back?
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3
Make little changes now to show that you're different. You want to give your ex the impression that you're a happy, healthy, sexy, attractive person that he should want to get back with. To do this, start fixing little things about yourself that you'd like to change, now, so you can win him back.
- If you had jealousy issues, or partied too much, try to get those things under control. Seek out counseling if necessary, so you can prove to him that you're serious when you say you'll change.
- "Because I'm sad" or "Because I miss you so much" are not good reasons to get back together with someone. That's not why you got together in the first place. You want to present yourself in the best possible light.
4
Think about what you want. Design your ideal partner. Does your ex fit the bill? Sometimes, we can get stuck in the past a little too much and it can be hard to see what we actually want. Make sure you're not jumping backward and getting into something that's best left dead.
- Do you actually want to get back together? If you still have feelings, but don't think it'll work out, it's probably just going to complicate the break-up to tell him. Keep it to yourself.
5
Find out what he's up to. If your ex is single, then it's perfectly fine to get in touch and let him know that you still have feelings for him and might want to get back together, as long as that's what you want. If he's seeing someone, you need to wait. It's unfair to his new relationship to interfere and get in the way. Try seeing other people and wait until he's single to talk to him again, if you need to.
- In some cases, you may feel you have to let him know that you're still in love with him, even if he's seeing someone. If so, just try to think about how you'd feel if someone pulled that with your boyfriend. You've been warned.
6
Reach out. If you want to talk to him, send him a little message via text, or e-mail to let him know that you're still having thoughts and want to talk to him in person. Just shoot him a short message that says, "Hey, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Can we talk sometime soon?"
- In some cases, it can be really helpful to try to write out your feelings in a letter. If this is the case, do it, but think twice before you mail it. It might be better to have the talk in person, so you can remember what he's like to be around actually.
- Don't try to get back together online. This isn't an appropriate conversation to have via Facebook messenger. Have it in person, or on the phone at least.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Having the Talk

1
Meet somewhere in public. When you arrange to meet, it's important to meet somewhere neutral. If you used to live together, don't try to meet back at your old place, where you'll have lots of old memories. It's important to think about the future objectively, so you don't make a bad decision based on your feelings.
- Try a public park, somewhere you can be quiet and have a private conversation, but not somewhere that you'll have a lot of history.
- Don't try to have this conversation through text or over the phone—it's definitely the kind of thing you should talk about in person.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Jacoby
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}
2
Look your best. If you want to get this guy back, it's definitely important to look like someone he'll want to be with. Go the extra mile to look your best that day. Wear clothes that flatter your figure and make you feel good, and do yourself up as if you were going on a date with your boyfriend. Which you might be soon.^{[5]
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3
Tell him how you feel. There's no big secret to being honest. If you're still having feelings for him, let him know how you feel. Tell him that you've reflected on your relationship and you think it can work out better, if you get back together, if that's the way you feel. Talk specifically about the challenges you faced in the past and figure out whether or not you'll be able to get past them together.^{[6]
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- Just cut to the chase. You don't need to spend a lot of time catching up or trying to make him think you're doing really great. Just tell him the truth. You're missing him, you think you can make it work, and you're a better person now.
4
Apologize, if necessary. If your relationship ended mutually, you probably don't need to apologize for anything. But if you cheated on your ex, or you did something else that resulted in him ending the relationship, it's important to apologize clearly and definitively.^{[7]
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- Be specific when you say you're sorry. Don't just say, "I'm so sorry." Try to prove to him that you understand why he would be upset and you're able to see the results of your actions.
- Even if you think he did some things wrong that he should apologize for, it's important to keep your ego out of it. Just come right out and apologize. Worry about sorting out the issues later. You want to get your apology out of the way now.
5
Listen to what he has to say. He might feel the same way, and will let you know. He might feel very differently than you do, and start to unload on you. It's important to listen to what he has to say and try to understand. Even if you don't like what you hear, try to understand where he's coming from. If you just get angry and start another fight, it's unlikely this will go anywhere.
- If he says he's still got feelings for you too, talk about what went wrong in your relationship. Try to focus on the problems you had and sort out whether or not you'll be able to make it work again in the future.^{[8]
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- If he says he's totally over you and doesn't feel the same way, just say, "I was hoping you'd feel differently, but I'm glad I let you know. I needed you to know. Get in touch if you feel differently."
6
Don't expect an answer right now. He might need some time to think about what you've told him, and that's a good thing. Don't end by saying, "So, what do you think?" or try to demand an answer from him. Just let him know, and then say, "Please, don't say anything right now. Just take some time to think about it, and then let's get back in touch in a little while. Ok?"
- If he is seeing someone, he might need some time to think things over and decide what he wants to do. Give him that time.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

1
Give him some time to think it over. After you let him know how you feel, leave him alone for a while and let him get back in touch. If you've told him and let him know that you want an answer at some point, just leave him alone and let him think until he comes to an answer. There's nothing else you can say at this point that will change his mind. Just lay off.^{[9]
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2
Make plans to get back in touch. After some time has passed, it may be good to meet back at the same spot and have another conversation. Find out if you're still feeling the same way. Find out if he is still feeling the same way. Find out whether or not he thinks it can work again. If so, get back together and start working on your issues.
3
Live your life in the meantime. Even if you're still having feelings for this guy, it's not good to wait around for him to make a decision. Live your life. Go out with your friends, meet new people, and try to have fun. If you have the opportunity to go on a date, go on one. Don't just wait around for phone calls that may never come. If it does, deal with it then.
4
Start slow, if you decide to get back together. Depending on how long you were together the first time, it can be exciting to rekindle a relationship. But try to start things slow, as if you were starting with a new boyfriend. Don't just jump right back into living together and seeing each other 24/7, unless you're both really comfortable and want to. If you're still a little nervous about the problems you used to have, take it slow.
- Just start with easy dates. Go out for coffee, or see a movie together. No big plans and elaborate stuff. Don't make it "Facebook official" yet, until you've spend plenty of time together and worked out your stuff.
- You might even consider not telling your friends until you've given it a while to make it work. It can be embarrassing to think that you've worked it out, only to break up a week later because of old problems.
5
Call out problems when they rise back up. It's essential that you anticipate the problems your relationship use to face and try to head them off before they get in your way. If you notice your boyfriend doing something that used to be a problem when you were together before, talk about it right then and there. Don't wait and let it fester until it becomes a problem.
- You have to be able to constructively address the issues in your relationship if you want it to have a better outcome this time.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Jacoby
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}
- Expect him to do the same. If you're doing something that drives him nuts, talk about it right there and then. Be open and communicate if you want to save your relationship.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it wrong to tell your ex how you feel?

Michelle Jacoby
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Michelle Jacoby is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder and CEO of DC Matchmaking, a privately owned, boutique matchmaking company based in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Virginia. She is also the Co-Founder of The Matchmakers Alliance, an international industry organization for matchmakers. With over 12 years of experience, Michelle specializes in one-on-one matchmaking and group coaching to help singles find healthy, lasting relationships. She has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post, Self, and NPR. Michelle holds a BA in Psychology from George Washington University. She is also a Certified Matchmaker from The Matchmakers Institute as well as a Certified Body Language Expert from The Body Language Institute.

Michelle Jacoby

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Not necessarily! Talking to your ex might be helpful if you feel like something will be significantly different should you both get back together.
Question

Is it a good idea to get back with your ex?

Michelle Jacoby
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Michelle Jacoby is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder and CEO of DC Matchmaking, a privately owned, boutique matchmaking company based in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Virginia. She is also the Co-Founder of The Matchmakers Alliance, an international industry organization for matchmakers. With over 12 years of experience, Michelle specializes in one-on-one matchmaking and group coaching to help singles find healthy, lasting relationships. She has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post, Self, and NPR. Michelle holds a BA in Psychology from George Washington University. She is also a Certified Matchmaker from The Matchmakers Institute as well as a Certified Body Language Expert from The Body Language Institute.

Michelle Jacoby

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It could be worth a shot if you think things will be different this go-around. It's really important to understand why you broke up in the first place, because it's very easy to look back and just focus solely on the good things.