How to Tell if Your Ex Still Cares

Co-authored by Maria Avgitidis

Relationships can be very complicated and can become all the more confusing when they end. Perhaps you and an ex have broken up and you are considering rekindling the romance or wondering if they would like to. Through assessing their actions and words and having a conversation with your ex, you can determine if they still care for you and perhaps even get back together with them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Assessing Their Actions

1
Watch for friendly and consistent communication. After a breakup, friendly communication means that your relationship is still positive. This means that there is a chance that they still hold a flame for you and want to remain involved in your life. Some signs of their possible interest are:
- Frequent “hello's” and “hi’s” even if you’ve already seen them once that day. These little greetings can mean that they still want to talk to you, but are too nervous and unsure to take further steps.
- Reaching out to check in via phone or text often.
- Commenting or liking your social media posts regularly.
- Sending you pictures of themselves having fun, looking attractive, or doing something you would enjoy.
2
Watch for inconsistent or disrespectful communication. In comparison to communication that is positive, watch out for exes who stalk, manipulate, or frighten you. If your ex refuses to take no for an answer, then the feelings they have are not ones of love, but of obsession and control. Watch out and stay away from exes who don’t respect your space.
- Also, if you have an ex who only contacts you once every few months or only after they’ve ended a relationship, then they likely do not care for you and are only seeking attention.
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3
Notice body language. An ex who wants to get back together will often try to be close to you when they do see you. They might hug you, kiss your check or display other types of physical affection to show that they care. If they are still very emotional about the breakup, they might also look down, avoid eye contact or even cry.
- Their feelings may show in their actions. They might laugh louder, smile a bit too much, or their voice might be higher pitched. These are signs, sometimes called micro-expressions, that they may still have feelings that they now can't control or are trying to hold back.^{[1]
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4
Assess the frequency of your “run-ins” or times you hang out. If your ex tries to schedule get-togethers or makes an effort to frequent the places you frequent, they are trying to spend time with you. Maybe they’re trying to get your attention or perhaps they just enjoy and miss your presence. Run-ins may mean that they're looking for a chance to ask you about your feelings.^{[2]
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- Make particular note of the places you find them at that they never went to or enjoyed before you two dated.
5
Consider any gifts that have been given. Your ex might continue to go out of their way to do nice things for you like sending you birthday gifts, Christmas cards, or gifts on special occasions. This is a sign that they still appreciate you and want to make you happy. For some, gifts are a way of showing love and affection. Your ex may be trying to show those feelings for you.
6
Pay attention to their social media. If they post statuses about moving on, it may mean that they're trying to get over you, or convince themselves to do so. If they're posting more direct things like, "missing my ex," this probably means that they really do miss you! Perhaps they wanted you to read that post so you would know their true feelings.
- See if they have deleted all photos of the two of you. Getting rid of your shared memories is often a major indicator that they really do want to move on.
7
Ask your mutual friends. Though you should not try to put your friends in the middle, you can ask them casually how your ex is doing lately, especially if you have not heard from them. They may tell you if your ex cares. However, if your friends don’t want to share, don’t force them.
- Say something like “I was at the library the other day and I remembered the time that Dave and I went. How is he doing lately?”
- If you are very close to them, then you can be blunt. Say “Do you think Dave still has feelings for me?”
8
Pay attention to signs of flirting. Your ex might be hinting at the fact that they still care very coyly or they might be very direct with you. Notice signs that your ex is flirting include touching you often, complimenting you, winking, or using pickup lines. If they display these actions and are communicating with you regularly and being kind to you, then they might still have feelings.^{[3]
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- If your ex is not particularly flirtatious, this could be an even bigger sign that they still care.
EXPERT TIP

Maria Avgitidis
Matchmaker & Dating Expert
Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.

Maria Avgitidis
Matchmaker & Dating Expert

How can I tell if my ex still cares for me? Your ex probably still cares for you because you were a significant part of their life at one point. However, even if they care for you, you likely broke up because you aren't compatible. Try not to confuse the fact that they care for you with a desire to get back together.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Analyzing Their Words

1
Make note of times they’ve said “I miss you.” Sometimes, your ex might say things that will directly indicate that they still care. If they are telling you that they miss you or miss being around you, this is a clear sign that they still have feelings for you.^{[4]
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2
Notice if they bring up old memories. Exes who are still interested in you or who have feelings will also have a tendency to reminisce. By doing so, they are trying to get you to remember the good times that you had together in hopes that you might want to reconnect.^{[5]
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- Consider the times that they have brought up trips you went on, inside jokes that you shared, or just fun you had in general.
3
See if they mention who they’re dating now. An ex that still cares for you might try to make you jealous to see if you care, too. If they regularly talk about their dates or share details about their new significant other, it can be a clear sign that they still have feelings.^{[6]
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- Notice in particular the times that they bring up who they’re dating completely out of the blue. For instance, if you are talking about homework or your family and they randomly mention their new love interest, then they might be trying to make you jealous.
- Remember also how they treated their exes. If they often flirted with and kept open communication with their exes, then perhaps they are just possessive and not really intent on getting back together.
4
Make note of how often they ask about your love life. An ex that still has feelings for you might also try to keep tabs on who you’re dating. If they regularly ask you things like “So, who are you seeing now?” or say “Did you see that movie with someone you’re dating?”, they might still care for you.^{[7]
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- Make note also if they make jokes about who you date. They might be trying to tarnish that person’s image in your head so that you find them less desirable.
- If your ex is shooting dark looks at people who flirt with you or trying to steal you away from spending time with others, this is a sign of possessiveness. They don’t want you to move on without them.
5
Notice their compliments. If your ex compliments you, especially on your looks or on things they previously complimented you on during your relationship, it is possible that they are trying to get on your good side. They might also be trying to make you feel special or renew your shared past.
6
Notice if they apologize often. An ex that still cares for you might have done a lot of soul searching about your relationship and have come to feel remorse. In order to get back in your good graces, they might be apologizing a lot more now than they did in your relationship. They may feel sorry for what they have done and hope that an apology will help you two reunite.^{[8]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Having a Conversation

1
Be calm, clear, and casual. Ask, “Do you have some time to talk? Can we go somewhere private?” This may be a scary step that many people don’t want to take, but the best way to know how someone else feels is to get a straight answer from their mouth. You can find them and talk to them in-person, then and there, but it is probably best to negotiate a future time and place to meet. If you are nervous, use a non-invasive form of communication like a phone call, chat, or text to communicate your feelings.
2
Choose a place where you will both be on comfortable, even ground. Choose to talk in an easy going public place, like a cafe or a park. Your ex may be nervous about sharing their feelings with you and worried that they are unrequited. Make them as comfortable as possible by talking in a quiet and neutral location.
- Give yourself and your ex plenty of time to have a long talk. Avoid having the talk when you have a major assignment due or if you have a meeting soon.
3
Be at your best. If you want to get your ex back, look your best during this talk. Wear your favorite outfit and style your hair nicely. You can use this time to both attract your ex and make yourself feel good, confident, and worthwhile.
4
Tell your ex how you feel. The more honest you are about your feelings, the more inclined they are to be honest about theirs. Tell them your feelings. Be calm and clear. Maybe say “I still have romantic feelings for you,” or “I still care about you, as more than a friend.”
- Tell them if you're regretting the breakup and want to get back together again. Provide specific reasons like “I miss you because we had so much fun together” or “I really enjoyed being together. You made me feel such peace.”
5
Listen to their thoughts. You may have a lot of pent up emotions that you want to let out, but remember that they might, too. Allow them to tell you how they feel. This will allow you to know definitively whether or not they still care or want to get back together.^{[9]
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- If they expressly say they want to leave the situation, let them go. Don’t try to control them or force them to talk about things they don’t want to discuss.
6
Make peace with the outcome. If your ex still cares for you and you both decide to get back together, then move forward and create a stronger, more resilient relationship. Work out your previous issues to prevent them from cropping up again. However, if you determine that they no longer have feelings for you, this is okay, too. Move forward without them by learning to be alone, spending time with friends, and committing yourself to school or work. You can date again when you feel ready.

Expert Q&A
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Question

Why would my ex want to know if I still love him?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

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They may still have feelings for you and want to see if you still care for them, as well.
Question

What do you do if your ex sends mixed messages?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Be as direct as possible with them about their intentions, as well as your feelings. Tell them that you are getting mixed messages and ask them to clarify what they want.