How to Show an Ex You Care

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: December 3, 2022 References

After a breakup it can hard to know how to deal with your ex in social situations. Even though you are no longer together, that doesn't mean that you will have necessarily stopped caring for your ex. You can show him that you care for him and want him to be happy without giving the wrong impression. Just being friendly and available to talk can help, but if you don't want to get back together you need to be careful that he understands that.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Actions and Gestures

1
Don't completely ignore your ex. You might not want him to be your boyfriend, but you probably still care about his happiness. It can be very difficult know how to react when you see your ex around. Maybe you are in classes together or are members of the same sports club. If you do see your ex around quite often and you want to maintain some cordial relations with him and show him that you do care, don't blank or ignore him.
- If you never speak, it is likely that any festering resentment between you will continue to grow.
- Just making an effort to acknowledge each other and smile when you see each other can demonstrate that you want to be friends.^{[1]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 18 February 2021}
- It can be very difficult to build a friendship with an ex so remain patient and don't expect to develop a good friendship quickly.
2
Ease awkwardness with small talk. It can be very awkward when you find yourself in a social situation with your ex and neither or you know quite how to approach it, or react to each other. Avoid any long silences by making neutral small talk about everyday things that are nothing to do with your relationship. If you can get used to just talking about normal things you can try to develop a platonic friendship.
- Keeping conversation friendly but brief can help ease you both into the new relationship dynamic.
- You could say, "Hey, did you see the game last night?"
- You could ask about mutual friends or work.
Advertisement
3
Make small gestures of friendship. Being generally helpful and attentive will help you to indicate to your ex that you do still care about him. Small gestures can be a good way to show your ex that you still think of him. For example, if your ex used to love eating a particular candy bar and you find you have one left over from lunch, pass it on to him and just say "I had this left over, and thought you might want it".
- If you just want to show your ex that you still care, not that you want to get back together make sure these gestures do not give the wrong impression.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 March 2021}
- When you speak to him keep your tone friendly and polite but fairly neutral and unemotional.
- If he is still pining after you, a misjudged gesture could make things worse so use your judgement.
4
Do social activities with mutual friends. One way to show that you are not avoiding your ex, you are still keen to be friends, and still care about him is to do social activities as part of a larger group of friends. Having more people there will take the pressure off and dilute the situation. You will also have people there for moral support if things become awkward.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Your ex is probably less likely to make a scene or misinterpret your actions if you are in a group of friends.
- If you don't want to get back together be sure you avoid anything that could be perceived as a group date.
- For example, don't go to the cinema with a couple or you risk giving your ex the wrong idea.
5
Understand your ex might be unfriendly. Although you might want to show your ex that you still care about him and would like to be friends, you need to understand that he might not feel the same way. A breakup can be very upsetting and how people deal with it varies enormously. If he doesn't want to talk to you, or see you at all, you should respect that and allow him time to get over you.
- If your ex is hurting from your breakup, time apart can be the best way to heal.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- If you are polite and respectful, but he does not want to talk to you, you can't force him.
- Tell him in a sincere way that you are there for him if he ever needs to talk, and be sure to listen more than you talk.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

What To Avoid

1
Do only what you're comfortable with. While you are just trying to show your ex that you still care about him, there is a chance that he might interpret your friendliness as a sign that you want to get back together. You should be wary of this, treat the situation with tact, but be clear about where you draw the line. If he asks you to help him with something, or to do something together, don't feel obliged to say yes if you are uncomfortable.
- Be clear in your response, but show that you understand his feelings. You could say something like "I still care about you, but we're not together any more and I can't do that for you".^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 March 2021}
- Explain yourself by saying things like, "I know this is difficult", "I know this is an awkward situation".
- Talking like this while affirming your position will show that you are acknowledging and validating his feelings.
2
Respect your decision to break up. You may still miss each other. It's natural to feel this way, but don't let your emotions take over. When you let your emotions take over, you may find yourself saying or doing things that you will regret and will only make things harder in the long-run. Think about the happy moments that you've had with each other, but realise that they are in the past.
- Respecting each other means respecting the decision you made to break up.
- It can often take a long time for people who were in a relationship to become friends again.
- It's normal to feel sorry for yourself and have doubts after a break up, but remember that you broke up for a reason.^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
3
Don't forget to look after yourself. While you might be making a big effort to be kind and friendly to your ex so he can get over you and be happy, it's important that you don't neglect yourself. Start thinking about the future and looking forward rather than back. Take some time off to set some realistic goals and give yourself the right amount of time to start accomplishing them. Visit some of your closest friends or family member and discuss your future plans with them.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Don't forget to try and have fun with friends too. Your don't have to stop everything in order to avoid upsetting your ex. Just be sensitive and considerate.
- If you keep thinking of the past you might find it harder to take the new opportunities that arise.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when your ex keeps calling you?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Set clear boundaries. Say something like "We don't have that kind of relationship anymore. I'm no longer your confidant or support system."
Question

Is it healthy to keep in touch with an ex?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It's okay to have friendly interactions, such as wishing each other a happy birthday, but be sure to draw the line and establish boundaries.
Question

How do I set boundaries with my ex?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Come right out and say where you need your boundaries so they know where the relationship stands.