How to Talk With a Gay or Lesbian Person

Last Updated: February 13, 2023 References

If you are an ally of the LGBT+ community, you may be concerned about behaving in a way that supports that attitude. If you struggle to accept gay people, you may not be sure how to talk to them without bringing up your own beliefs. Regardless of your views, the most important thing you can do is to treat them as you would any other human being—with respect and kindness. Our guide has tips to have positive, productive conversations with LGBT+ people.

1

Treat them like anyone else.

A gay or lesbian person is not different. Understand that you do not need to act differently when talking with a person just because they are different from you. Being gay or lesbian is only one aspect of a person, and it doesn't have to be at the forefront of every interaction.^{[1]
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- If you want to become friends with a person, you should do so because you enjoy similar interests (e.g. volunteering, going to the movies, reading literature, etc.). Being platonic friends with someone has nothing to do with sexuality.
- Forget about stereotypes. Gay men and lesbians vary greatly in their appearances, the way they talk, and the way they behave just the same as everyone else. A person's sexuality will not always be apparent based on their appearances or actions.
- Accept the fact that the ability to love or care for another is not solely related to sexuality, and that all relationships, whatever genders are involved, should be built on mutual attraction, love, respect and trust.

2

Be open-minded.

Get to know them just like you would any other person. There are nice and mean gay people; just as there are nice and mean straight people. Dealing with the challenges of life takes a lot of courage for everyone.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- Try to think about the reasons why you or other people might object to being gay or lesbian and write some of these reasons down. After you have written these things down, try writing a defense of the opposite perspective.^{[3]
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  Research source} What might the person who is gay or lesbian say to defend him or herself against your list?
- Keeping an open mind will open your world up to a lot of opportunities you might have otherwise missed out on.

3

Do not assume that a person is sexually attracted to you.

You might not be their type at all. If you are female, do you assume that all straight boys are attracted to you? If you are male, do you think all straight girls are interested in you, just because they like boys? The same thing applies to everyone; just because a person is attracted to your gender does not mean that they are sexually interested in you.
- Being a gay man or lesbian does not mean that they are attracted to every single person they meet that is of the same sex, just like you aren't attracted to every single person you meet that is of the opposite sex.

4

Be respectful.

Avoid asking overly personal questions. If you have questions, be aware that you may be treading on sensitive ground. Would you appreciate being asked about your sex life by a work colleague? Probably not. Think about if you were asked that kind of question about being straight and about your partner. Use this as a gauge for what is appropriate and what is not. A gay or bisexual person may wish to disclose their sexual preferences with you, or they may not.^{[4]
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- Talking about sexuality is the same regardless of orientation. If you have a question you want to ask, you would probably only ask someone you are very close with and only under the right circumstances.
- If you are a person who struggles to accept LGBT+ people for whatever reason, and believe that it is wrong then you may feel tempted to be mean to a gay or lesbian person. You won't accomplish anything by this, and it's really disrespectful.^{[5]
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5

Realize that friendship requires work.

Being friends with a gay man or lesbian is just like having a straight friend. You will have to take all of the same steps to maintain a friendship with a gay or lesbian person as you would with a straight person. For example, you have to make time for them, respect them, listen to them, and of course, have fun hanging out with them.^{[6]
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- As with all people, if you have a close gay or lesbian friend who is struggling in their life, be supportive. If they need someone to listen, then be there for them. There problems might have their own unique aspects that are hard to understand, but that doesn't mean you can't be a loving, supportive friend.

6

Don't act like you feel sorry for a gay or lesbian person.

LGBT+ people face challenges but you don't have to pity them. LGBT+ people have their problems just like everyone else does. Their challenges have shaped who they are and how they see the world, just like everyone. You don't need to treat an LGBT+ person as though you feel sorry for them, and they will probably notice that you are doing it, just like anyone would.
- Treat them with respect because they have dealt with the challenges that life has given them, just as you and everyone else you know has.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}

7

Don't try to lecture them.

You're not going to change who they love. Lecturing a gay or lesbian person about why their sexuality is, in your opinion, wrong will not make them suddenly say, “Oh, you know what, you're right. I'll be straight now.” This is because they didn't choose to be the way they are. Therefore, you won't get yourself anywhere by trying to force your own ideas on to them, and you might also miss out on the chance to get to know a really cool person.
- Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Would you change your mind about being heterosexual if a gay or lesbian person came up to you and started talking about why heterosexuality is wrong?

8

Be kind even if you disagree.

Kindness is not dependent upon having the same views. It is easy to get caught up in our own ideas about right and wrong, but try to remember that you probably have lots of friends with differing views. Keep this in mind when you meet a gay or lesbian person. They are still a person, and whether or not their orientation plays a big role in their life they still have other things they care about and are interested in.^{[8]
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- If a gay person does ask you about your views, then feel free to talk about them, but do it with kindness. Don't be defensive. For example, if they are religious reasons, talk about what you have been taught and why it makes sense to you. Don't assume that a conversation about differences has to be a huge fight.
- If you do have this conversation, listen to what they have to say too.

9

Be open if you don't understand their sexuality.

It's okay to express this in a respectful way. If you have a good relationship with this person and you want to understand his or her sexuality better, then you might ask the person to speak with you and help you understand.
- For example, you might say something like, "I respect you and I care about you. However, I do not fully understand what it means to be gay/lesbian. I was hoping you might be willing to tell me more about it and help me to develop a better understanding of that aspect of your life."

10

Respect gender variance.

Avoid making assumptions about someone's preference based on gender. If you want to be an ally of the community, or if you simply want to learn more about it, then the first thing to understand is that sexuality and gender aren't necessarily related.
- This means understanding and accepting that just because someone is born a woman does not mean that they should necessarily be attracted to men, or that someone born a man should be attracted to a woman.
- This is not the same as gender identity. Just because someone is gay or lesbian does not mean that they don't identify with their own gender. People who identify with a gender that is not their biological gender are transgender

11

Don't make jokes about LGBT+ people.

This can be really offensive. You may not mean anything by it, but making jokes about gays and lesbians can be hurtful. Avoid making them, and if someone makes them around you, let them know that you feel uncomfortable with such jokes.^{[9]
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- You don't have to do this rudely. Just simply say, “I know you only meant that as a joke, but I find it very offensive to the LGBT+ community, and I would appreciate it if you would avoid these jokes when you are around me, please.”

12

Deal with your own biases.

Examine any stereotypes you have about LGBT+ people. Even if you whole-heartedly support the LGBT+ community, you might still have some biases against the community that you haven't dealt with.^{[10]
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- For example, many people tend to assume that a gay man will be dressed in brightly colored clothing, have perfectly styled hair, and speak in a feminine way. Although this may sometimes be the case, it isn't always. Gay men and lesbians come in all shapes and sizes, just like straight people.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I talk to someone that doesn't accept me and bullies me as gay?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

If there is a safety issue then that needs to be addressed for sure. If they're just being mean and obnoxious, ignore them. Find a community where you feel accepted and where people do support and understand you. This won’t necessarily change the fact that you’re being bullied, but it will help you find the places where you feel comfortable to be who you are. It's important to understand that this is about other people’s shortcomings and insecurities, and not about your own.