How to Overcome a Fear of Online Dating

Last Updated: October 17, 2022 References

Online dating is an increasingly common way to meet new potential romantic partners. It’s quick, convenient, and lets you get to know a potential match before you ever even meet them face-to-face. Still, some find that they fear online dating because it puts too much personal information out there for strangers, or that it otherwise sets them up to meet unpleasant or unappealing matches. The truth is, though, that online dating is as safe and enjoyable as any other form of dating, as long as you pick the right site, put some effort into meeting the right matches, and practice safety when meeting in person for the first time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Building Your Confidence

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Evaluate the numbers. If your fear of online dating springs from the idea that people will think less of you for using a website to meet a potential partner, remind yourself of the facts. Some 59% of Americans now believe online dating is a good way to meet people, and more than one in ten people use online dating platforms.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Pew Research Center
Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends
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- Look in the mirror and calmly tell yourself, “There is no stigma to online dating. It is a safe and common way to meet others.”
- Also, keep in mind that the possibility of meeting someone who you have a connection with outweighs the potential risk.
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Make a list of reasons you're valuable. Help build your self-worth by creating a list of things you like about yourself, or that make you worth-while. Include things you like about your life, your job, your personality, and your appearance.^{[2]
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Research source} Make sure to place the list somewhere that you will see it often, such as on a mirror, your bedroom door, or on the door of a cabinet that you open often.
- It can be difficult to get this list started, so try asking yourself, “What would my best friend say is my best quality?” Then, exchange “best friend” for other important people in your life.
- If you are body-conscious, try to find at least one thing you like about your appearance. Tell yourself, "I have amazing eyes," and try to focus on that feature that you like rather than what you dislike. Remind yourself of compliments you have received in the past about your eyes and write these down.
- If you are not currently happy with the course of your life or your career, remind yourself that there is still good in what you do. Tell yourself, "I can pay my bills and I can find the humor in small things, and that makes my life worthwhile, just as it is."
- When you are feeling less than confident, look over your list and remind yourself of your good traits. Eventually, the positive thinking becomes inherent.
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Brush off rejection. The biggest fear in online dating is the biggest fear people have when dating in general: getting rejected. Remind yourself that if you do not hear back from a potential match, or if your match expresses that they are not interested in you, try not to dwell on the rejection.^{[3]
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Research source} Also, keep in mind that any form of rejection can be difficult to handle. Remember that rejection is a sign that you are stepping outside of your comfort zone.^{[4]
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- Don’t continue to message someone who stopped talking to you or harass someone that never made contact with you. This could get you blocked or your account suspended, and it will not bring you any closer to having a meaningful relationship.
- Remind yourself, “If I’m not what they were looking for, they probably aren’t the kind of person I’m looking for, either.” Remind yourself that you can do better than someone who won’t respond or stops communicating without a reason.
- If someone you’ve been talking to suddenly disappears, make up a reason for yourself. Tell yourself, “Maybe they decided to get serious with someone they already met.”
- Reach out to someone else. The best way to get past rejection is to meet someone new. Send a message to someone else and work on finding a connection elsewhere.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Processing Your Emotions

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Accept your fear. It's alright to have some apprehensions about online dating, just as it is with any form of dating. The challenge is not to eliminate your fear, but to acknowledge it and find ways to work through it.^{[5]
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- Make a list of reasons why you are afraid to start dating online. For each reason, write out a worst-case-scenario. For example, you might be afraid of rejection, and the worst case may be that a match ridicules you for thinking you had a chance with them.
- For each negative scenario, find a way to overcome it. Let yourself know that someone who ridicules you for approaching them is not worth your time or love, and that you are better off not inviting that kind of negativity into your life.
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Set goals. Dating, by its very nature, can involve a lot of emotions very quickly. To avoid becoming swept up in something emotional but not right for you, set goals from the beginning. Decide if you are looking for a serious or casual relationship, and whether you want monogamy or would like to date around.^{[6]
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- Use these goals as a guideline when you start to date. If you meet a great person who wants a serious relationship while you are looking for something casual, don't assume you can change them. Stick to your goals and move on.
- Avoid making your goals too rigid. Use them as a guideline for what you want overall, but try to avoid goals like, "I would like to be married within two years." Being too strict could close you off to potentially fulfilling relationships.
3
Take care of yourself. You are more likely to feel good about getting involved with someone else when you feel good about your relationship with yourself. Practice daily self-care, which can include anything from exercise to time to meditate.^{[7]
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- Set aside time each day to do the things that are important to you. This may include daily exercise, cooking healthy or satisfying meals, seeing friends or family, or anything else that makes you feel like you are doing the best possible things for you.
- Take some time to indulge, as well. If you have had a particularly difficult day, for example, rather than letting the stress follow you home, take time to relax and pamper yourself that evening. This helps let you know that you are worth-it.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Starting to Online Date

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Look for a specialized site. If the thought of thousands of people having access to your profile makes you nervous, look for a compatibility-based site. These sites use algorithms to match you with compatible members, and only those members can see your profile.^{[8]
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- These sites, including eHarmony, are often behind a paywall, but offer a greater sense of security and comfort for some.
- Niche dating websites don’t work on an algorithm, but are catered toward people that share a common interest, such as religion, alma mater, or a profession such as farming.
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Be specific. Online dating offers you the unique opportunity to get to know someone before you actually meet them. Don’t be afraid to be specific in your profile regarding who you are and what you are looking for.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} That way, you can help ensure that you’re only getting the best matches.^{[10]
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- Let people know what you want from online dating. If you’re ultimately looking for a relationship, don’t be afraid to say that you only want to date people interested in eventual commitment. If you prefer to keep things casual, let others know that you’re not looking for something serious.
- Highlight your personality. Think about those first-date facts, the details you would use to set you apart when you first meet someone, and put them in your profile.
- Instead of, “I’m a working professional looking to meet someone in my area,” try, “I’m a geologist who is passionate about their job and loves to take guitar lessons on the weekends. I’m looking for someone to explore the city with me.”
3
Post one picture. There’s a fear with online dating that posting pictures gives others access to your likeness for unknown purposes. This is no more true than posting your image to social media, but if putting your face on an online dating site makes you nervous, start by posting just one photo of yourself.^{[11]
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- Profiles with photos tend to get many more responses than those without. If you’re nervous, try posting a single image of yourself. That way, you aren’t giving people too much access, but you aren’t isolating potential matches, either.
- Try to avoid pictures where your face is obstructed. If posting a group photo makes you feel more comfortable, be sure to clarify which person you are in your profile or in a caption.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Meeting Your Date

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Move off the dating website. Before you meet in person, move your communication off of the dating website. You may opt to video chat, text, or exchange calls before the date, but moving your communication to a new platform can help you feel more secure before meeting this person.^{[12]
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- When someone asks you on a date online, politely suggest that you exchange phone numbers. This gives you a way to communicate to plan the date, as well as check up on their contact information.
2
Keep it casual. If you are worried that things aren’t going to go well on your date, opt for a casual activity that is easy to excuse yourself from, such as getting coffee on a Sunday afternoon or drinks after work. Avoid meals or activities like movies that happen for a fixed period of time.^{[13]
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- It’s also advisable that the activity be something where you have the chance to talk and get to know one another. Avoid loud venues or activities that will keep you too occupied to chat.
- If you are greatly enjoying the date, you can stay for another cup or drink, or transition the date into a new activity such as dinner or a walk. If you are not enjoying yourself, politely excuse yourself when you’re done with your drink.
3
Meet in public. If you’re afraid of meeting a stranger, take steps to keep yourself safe. Arrange to meet in a public place such as a popular coffee shop or bar. Have a friend walk you to the date and ask them to stay until you’ve made contact and sat down with your match.^{[14]
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- If your match suggests meeting in public but often uncrowded location, politely suggest an alternative spot.
- If your match asks you meet in private or at their house, refuse completely. Let them know that you are only comfortable meeting in public for a first date.
- Have a signal such as a text you can send to a friend to let them know if you feel unsafe or want their help exiting the date.
- Don’t let your date drive you home on the first date. Give it a couple meetings before you let them know where you live.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I feel confident online dating?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Be honest with the other person about what you're looking for so and communicate how you feel with them.