What to Do & Say in Front of Your Partner’s Kids

How to make the first-time meeting go smoothly

Last Updated: March 6, 2023 References

Starting a relationship with someone who has children with someone else can be challenging. Is there a sure way to win the kids over? How can you be "cool" while also being a parent figure? It can be difficult to know when and how much to step in, so we've laid out a few guidelines to help. Take a deep breath because you have what it takes to do this.

1

Introduce yourself gradually.

Suddenly appearing in a child's life can be a massive adjustment, so go slow. Enter their life gently and through events or situations that are on 'neutral' ground i.e: Not in your partner's home. In the first instance something like a cinema or zoo trip would be a good idea as there are other distractions for you, your partner and their children which will diffuse some of the intensity of the situation. Gradually build up the amount of time that you spend with the children allowing them to get to know you and you to get to know them.
- Do your best to gradually build a connection with your partner's children. Ask your partner for help and advice to let the child know that you are their ally and not a threat.
- A good idea for the beginning will be to learn what hobbies and interests their children have. For instance, if the child likes baseball, you can get tickets and go see a minor league game. Or, if the child is into Disney princesses, buy them a Disney princess doll.

2

Be honest about who you are.

With kids, honesty is sometimes the best policy. Pretending you are an old-school friend or work colleague rather than your partner's new boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad way to approach the situation. Despite any good intentions that you may have, once that 'white lie' is revealed your relationship with those children sets off on a false premise and may breed suspicion.

3

Follow the family's patterns.

Coming into a home and laying down new rules could cause resentment. Be sensitive, this was a fully working family before you came onto the scene and you need to respect that. There is no reason why over time you cannot suggest different ways of doing things or things that you would like to see happen but it needs to be handled sensitively and with consensus of the children and your partner. Don't make mountains out of molehills, if they stack the dishwasher differently to the way you do it, there really is no point in creating a situation between you and the children over something so trivial.^{[1]
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4

Give them space.

Keep in mind that the kids aren't used to having you around. Before your arrival, the children would have unrestricted access to your partner. It is vital that the children still have this quality time with their biological parent. Make sure that you maintain opportunities for the children to speak to their Mother or Father without you being present. Go for a walk or see a friend for a couple of hours to allow them this space.^{[2]
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5

Don't give up.

There may be some agitation, and that's normal. As a new partner, there will be occasional resentment and jealousy from the children however hard you work to avoid this. "You are not my Father, you can't tell me what to do" is a common one. Don't give up working on your relationship as a consequence of these remarks, you are in this for the long run!

6

Communicate with your partner.

Discuss rules, discipline, and conflict to avoid controversial decisions. Let the biological parent have the final say in these discussions and back her (him) up on it. Present a united front on all rules and discipline methods. If grounding is the penalty for mouthing off, make sure both of you agree on that. This causes the least stress for the kids. They will test your boundaries but if the rules don't change when they're with you or Mom, they will feel a lot more secure in life. When they ask permission for something, always ask "did you talk to your mother?" and check with her about it. Kids will try to pick which parent to get a permission from whether you're the step dad or their biological dad. Good communication solves a host of problems.^{[3]
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7

Avoid overcompensation.

Trying to be the super cool new partner will eventually exhaust you. It is not feasible to always be the fun, super hip person in the family! Be yourself, the children want to know you not a fake superhero/heroine character you have created.^{[4]
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8

Stay clear of bad-mouthing the other parent.

It's not your place to say if they're a total deadbeat or not. The children should be free to talk about their biological Father or Mother without derogatory comments from yourself. This is the case even if your partner tries to goad you into joining a 'slating' session. The children will not respect you for it and you will place them in a position where you will make them feel anxious.^{[5]
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9

Let the kids decide how you fit into their lives.

Avoid trying to be a replacement for their other biological parent. The best relationship you can have and that the children can have is one that has developed organically rather than something that has been forced onto them.^{[6]
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10

Understand the implications of your decision.

Take some time to ask yourself, "Is this the relationship I want to pursue?" It goes without saying that you should always treat your partner with respect.^{[7]
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Research source} This is of even greater importance if they have children. Using a partner for a "fling" can be incredibly damaging and could worsen any abandonment issues the family may already be suffering from. It's not enough to "put up" with the children. You need to be fully invested.
- You should understand that your partner's children are and should be their number one priority. If you want to be with this person, it's something that you need to respect, support, and cultivate.