How to Deal with Denial in a Relationship

Co-authored by Cameron Gibson, R.C.C. and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: June 15, 2022 References

Are you worried that you and your partner are in denial and it’s negatively affecting your relationship? Denial might be an effective short-term coping mechanism, but in the long run, it only makes it harder for you and your partner to get your needs met. Fortunately, you can address denial and move past it as a couple. Keep reading for expert advice on how to recognize denial in your relationship and what to do about it.

Section 1 of 3:

Understanding Denial

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Denial is often used as a coping mechanism in relationships. Most of the time, people enter a state of denial because they don’t want to deal with stress or conflict. In a romantic relationship, people may gloss over issues because they don’t like confrontation. ^{[1]
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- Usually, people are motivated to ignore problems because they want to stay in a relationship and are worried that an argument might disrupt it.
- People who tend to rely on denial may also have learned it earlier in life, so now it’s just a natural reaction to stress.
- Someone who’s very attached to their partner may not want to believe they can be abusive or toxic, so they’ll deny that their significant other is responsible for their behavior.
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Denial in a relationship prevents communication and emotional intimacy. Since partners avoid talking about what causes tension or frustration for them, they aren’t able to be fully vulnerable with each other. Even if they temporarily keep the peace by delaying a discussion about negative feelings, significant others who are in denial tend to feel lonely and unable to express themselves.:^{[2]
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- While denial helps handle the shock of a traumatic event, it’s not useful for a relationship because it prevents communication and emotional intimacy.
- Denial prevents partners from admitting that their relationship needs to be improved on.
- Even if just one individual is in denial, it negatively impacts the relationship because someone’s experience is being minimized or completely overlooked.

Section 2 of 3:

Signs of Denial in a Relationship

There are several signs of denial you can watch out for in your relationship. If you’re concerned that you and your partner are in denial, consider if any of the following feel familiar in your relationship:^{[3]
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- Getting defensive if anyone expresses concern about your relationship.
- Claiming you’re not unhappy when you really are.
- Thinking that any negative feeling is irrational or imagined.
- Fantasizing about what your relationship "could be" like.
- Waiting years in hopes the dynamic will change.
- Refusing to listen to anyone’s relationship advice.
- Believing that the relationship has to stay the way it is.
- Being extremely stressed but unable to explain why.
- Feeling drained and used yet resistant to voice that.
- Experiencing fear to bring up any complaint to your significant other.
- Forgiving the other partner if they cross boundaries.

Section 3 of 3:

Moving Past Denial in a Relationship

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Check in with yourself and identify the emotions you feel. Pause and breathe deeply. Pay attention to your mood and connect it to your experiences in your relationship.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director
Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.} Consider whether you’ve felt more tired or sad over time and if this happens after interactions with your partner. When you acknowledge your psychological state, you’ll begin to confront what you used to avoid.^{[5]
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- You may want to go to a quiet and peaceful place that’s away from your partner so you won’t be influenced by them.
- Process your emotions in any way that gives you relief—journal to let everything out, cry, or rip paper into little pieces of paper.
- Name all the emotions and list them out. For example, say, "I'm frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed."
- Acknowledge how your relationship factors into your feelings. Make a comment like, “These emotions come up every time she criticizes me.”
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Reflect on why you might want to overlook issues in your love life. Are you afraid of abandonment? Do you believe that you always have to be happy in order to make the relationship “work”? In order to stop ignoring your feelings, it’s important to understand why you felt the need for denial in the past.^{[6]
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- Ask yourself what you have to “gain” when you ignore dysfunction. For example, do you think you feel closer to your partner when you claim they’re perfect?
- Also consider what you think you'll “lose” if you see red flags. For instance, are you worried that you’ll have “wasted” years of your life if you accept that your partner undervalued you?
- What limiting beliefs did you develop during the relationship? Have you felt that you needed to be optimistic no matter what happens in order to be a good partner?
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Recognize that you’re only responsible for your own behavior. Do you feel as though you need to “save” your partner? If they struggle or lash out, do you take it personally or feel like you’ve “failed”? If so, practice self-compassion and accept that the person you love must make their own choices in life. Embrace this person's independence and release any shame you may experience for not “rescuing” them.^{[7]
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- If your partner faces personal crises, like addiction or anger issues, encourage them to seek help. Remember that they must go on their own healing journey.
- If you’re a “people pleaser” or a “fixer,” you may be in a codependent relationship where you put your partner’s needs above your own.
- Healthy relationships develop when you separate your partner’s actions and behavior from your own and hold yourselves accountable.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
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Acknowledge your own needs in the relationship. If you wish your love life would improve in the future, list out what you want right now. For example, do you want more productive conversations, physical intimacy, or quality time? Also consider what you aren’t receiving, like compromise, or what puts a strain on you, such as constant criticism. Pinpoint what uplifts so you can strategize a healthier situation.^{[9]
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- Think about values that are important to you, like acceptance or patience.
- Consider what you miss out on if you deny a problem. For example, maybe you aren’t able to enjoy affection because your partner has been distant.
- Tell yourself what you need with a comment like, “Instead of waiting for empathy years from now, I want him to express concern whenever I share my feelings.”
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Ask someone who is objective for feedback about your relationship. Reach out to people you trust and check in with them.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} Make sure they aren’t people who would “enable”—or encourage—being in denial about any problems.^{[11]
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Research source} Open up about any tension or challenges you’ve encountered with your partner. See if they’ve also picked up on any red flags and seek out their guidance. ^{[12]
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- Discuss whether they’ve noticed any physical or psychological changes. For example, maybe you’ve eaten less or you’ve withdrawn from your friends lately.
- Talk about whether you’ve had a habit of glossing over or minimizing issues in the past. Let your support group know that you’re ready for input now.
- Listen to their perspective on a healthier dynamic. Maybe they think you should make less excuses for your partner or make more time for yourself.
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Share your concerns about your dynamic with your partner. After you’ve reflected on your feelings and sought out advice from your friends, approach your significant other when you feel calm. Explain that you’ve given your relationship a lot of thought and you just want what’s best for both of you. Ask if they’re willing to set aside time to have an honest and candid talk.^{[13]
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Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 26 August 26 2021.} When you’re both ready, open up about your experiences.^{[14]
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- Start with “I” statements like, “I’d like to talk about some of my concerns. I’d really appreciate a chance to unpack our relationship.”
- Bring up behavior that impacts you. For example, say, “When you’re gone throughout the week without telling me where you are, I feel anxious.”
- Talk about solutions. Suggest one with a comment like, “If we stay in touch and are transparent about our schedules, I believe it will tighten our bond.”
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Discuss the consequences of relying on denial in your relationship. If your significant other still insists that your relationship is fine the way it is or doesn’t realize what’s possibly toxic, address how denial can damage your dynamic.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director
Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.} Talk about the toll that problems, like “silent treatment,” take on you two right now and how the issues will become more significant if you don’t address them.^{[16]
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- For example, say, “I haven’t slept well because I feel you’re avoiding me. Now, I can’t be my best, most energetic self. If this continues, I see us drifting apart.”
- Describe a better future you’ll have if you resolve the conflict. You might say, “If we talk about feelings right away, we’ll have strong communication as a couple.”
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Focus on your own identity outside of the partnership. Prioritize self-care and building self-esteem. In order to combat resentment, frustration, or burnout, make sure you eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise.^{[17]
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Research source} Make a list of all the ways you can nurture yourself on your own.^{[18]
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- When you practice self-care, you remain resilient. That way, you can handle the ups and downs of a partnership instead of avoiding problems.
- Taking your own emotional, mental, and physical health into account is also important in case your partner isn’t available to talk or process conflicts.
- When you both address your own needs, you can have a secure relationship instead of a codependent one where someone makes too many sacrifices.
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Consider couples therapy if one of you still avoids addressing problems. If you still want to repair the dynamic but your conversations aren’t productive, it may be beneficial to reach out to a professional who specializes in relationship counseling. This objective expert is trained to recognize the signs of denial. They can encourage both of you to cope with your stresses and strategize a sustainable path forward.^{[19]
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- A therapist may talk about how to replace old ways to cope. For example, instead of using blame to avoid guilt, they may suggest accepting accountability.
- Couples counseling is also effective because you'll both have a chance to be heard. That way, neither of you are likely to feel ignored.
- Mental health professionals are familiar with codependency and can provide expertise about how to break free of people-pleasing or one-sided relationships.