This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Amy Bobinger. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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When you're in a relationship, it's inevitable that eventually you're going to have to bring up something that you're dreading. Maybe you need to talk to your partner about helping out more around the house, or maybe you need to get on the same page about finances or parenting. Whatever it is, don't just sweep it under the rug. That just leads to resentment and doesn't really solve anything. Make some time to sit down and hash things out, and remember—communication gets easier the more you do it!
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, founder of The Counseling Hub, LLC. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
Conversation Starters for Difficult Conversations
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can you be accountable when resolving conflict?Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCDr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Licensed Professional CounselorDiscuss the conflict objectively rather than rehashing it. Think of it like a debriefing after a game, where coaches are discussing how different plays went. Encourage your partner to give a play-by-play of what they remember happening in the conflict, and you can do the same. That way, you can understand where your partner is coming from while also clarifying your own experience. -
QuestionHow do you deal with a defensive partner?Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCDr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Licensed Professional CounselorShare your own experiences in a tense situation rather than blaming or criticizing your partner. Focus on how you're feeling and what you need, and explain how your partner can meet that need.
References
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/5-communication-tips-try-your-partner
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict
- ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/a-guide-to-having-a-tough-conversation-with-your-partner/11394052
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/5-communication-tips-try-your-partner
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201508/4-major-relationship-communication-mistakes-ruin-love
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
- ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/a-guide-to-having-a-tough-conversation-with-your-partner/11394052
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/5-communication-tips-try-your-partner
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/approach-difficult-conversations-partner-fiff/
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner