How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Wants and Needs

Co-authored by Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD

Last Updated: November 24, 2022

In a relationship, you may expect your partner to know all of your wants and needs. However, if you have never told your partner what you need or want, they may not know. To communicate your needs and wants to your partner, you have to first figure out what you need, then clearly tell your partner those needs, and be willing to compromise or negotiate to meet your partner’s needs, too.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Figuring Out What You Want to Say

1
List your needs. You should list your needs before you talk to your partner. This helps you be clear about what you want so you can communicate them to your partner. You may want to start with what you need for physical affection and intimacy. This may include sex, romance, physical touching, and emotional sharing. You should also think about what you need in regard to children and a family, finances, and outside friendship, along with cooking, cleaning, and running the household.
- Needs are things that should be met because they are essential for your happiness, safety, and well-being.^{[1]
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- Wants are things you prefer to have happen because it causes you pleasure.^{[2]
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- Wants are optional, but needs are non-negotiable. You may want your partner to clean up more often, but you need them to be respectful and honest, for example.
2
Figure out your priorities. Your partner won’t know how to meet your wants and needs if you don’t know what they are. You have to figure out your priorities before you can communicate it to your partner. This may be your priorities from every part of your life. Once you identify your priorities, you can figure out what you need in your relationship, which can help to better your relationship.
- Figure out what priorities are important to you because this will help you determine your needs. For example, your top priorities may be intimacy, family, and financial stability.
- Order your needs from most to least important to help you decide which ones to communicate first and which ones can wait.
- This will help to ensure that you are telling your partner what needs are most important to you.
- It may also help to prevent you from feeling overwhelmed by all of the things you need.
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3
Practice the talk. You should practice talking to your partner before you talk to them in person. Start by writing notes or listing important points you want to make. Speak your wants and needs out loud to yourself to get comfortable with them. You may even practice in a mirror.
- If you need help, you can ask a trusted friend to listen to you and help you practice.
4
Choose the right time and place. You should choose an appropriate time to address your needs and wants. Choose a time when both you and your partner have time to discuss the issues. You should make sure neither of you have anything pressing to do for hours when you choose to talk.
- You should talk in a private place where you won’t be disturbed. Don’t go to a restaurant or coffee shop.
- If you have kids, see if someone can keep the children for a few hours so you can talk privately.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

1
Learn how to communicate assertively. If you are feeling like your needs are not being met in your relationship, then this might be partially due to a lack of assertive communication. To ensure that you are communicating with your partner as effectively as possible, try to develop some assertive communication skills.
- If something is not going the way you want, say it right away instead of waiting or silently dealing with your frustration.
2
Listen actively. You should listen to what your partner says. This is important when they are responding to your wants and needs and telling you what they need. Your partner may believe they have been meeting your wants and needs, or have a different way of approaching things. Listen to what your partner says with an open mind and respectful attitude.^{[3]
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- Don’t get mad if your partner doesn’t agree with you or understand right away. Be open to listening to their point of views so you can come to a compromise.
3
Be specific. When you tell your partner about your wants and needs, make sure to be specific and clear. Being vague or speaking in general terms may only create confusion. Your partner may not know exactly what you mean, or their interpretation of the general statement may be different than yours.
- For example, if you say, “I need more intimacy,” your partner might understand, but their version of intimacy may be different than yours.
- Instead, be specific. You might say, “I need you to kiss me more often and talk to me about your day.”
4
Ask for one thing at a time. If you have never told your partner what you want or need, you may have many things you want to ask for. However, try not to overwhelm your partner by asking for too much at one time. This might make it seem like your partner is doing everything wrong or cause unneeded stress in your relationship. Instead, ask for one thing at a time.^{[4]
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- Start with the most important thing that you need from your partner. Once the two of you have worked on it, you can move on to another want.
5
Let your partner know your boundaries. Telling your partner about your wants and needs doesn’t just include things you want to happen. It also can include things you don’t want to happen. You should tell your partner know what your boundaries are so they can give you want you want and need.^{[5]
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- For example, you should tell your partner where your privacy boundaries are. If there are things, boxes, or boxes that are private and off-limits, explain this to your partner.
- If you have sexual boundaries, explain these clearly to your partner. There may be some negotiation where your sexual needs and wants are concerned, but you should discuss it.
- Try saying, "I don't feel comfortable fulfilling all of your fantasies. However, I am willing to try a few new things that you want to."
6
Avoid blame. If there are needs or wants that may stem from a conflict, try not to blame your partner. Instead, use “I” statements and keep things factual and calm. Blaming or being dramatic will not do anything to solve the conflict or get your needs met.
- For example, if you feel the house is a mess, you may want to say, “You never do anything to help around the house!”
- Instead, be factual and say, “The house is messy right now” or “Things are not as neat as they could be.”
- Keep the statements about you instead of your partner. For example, don’t say, “You are being clingy.” Instead, say, “I miss spending time with my friends.”
7
Accept your partner’s differences. You and your partner come from different backgrounds, even if you grew up in similar areas. This means that the way you and your partner approach certain things may differ. You may solve problems differently, have different levels of communication, or show affection different ways.^{[6]
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- As you think about what you want and need, you should consider the way your partner handles things. If you need affection, maybe they’re doing it in their own way!
- This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for your partner to do things you need, but your partner may think they are already meeting your needs.
- You might say, "I understand that you think watching TV is spending quality time together. However, I would like to talk in the evenings instead of just sitting quietly.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Strengthening Your Relationship

1
Know that your partner can’t meet all your needs. Your partner is your equal and the person you are building your life with. However, your partner can’t meet all of your needs. Some of your needs and wants will need to be met in other ways and through other relationships.^{[7]
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- For example, your need for companionship may not be able to be only met by your partner. You may need to have this need met by family and friends as well.
2
Be open to your partner’s wants and needs. Being in a relationship means giving as much as you are getting. Because of this, your partner may have some wants and needs of their own that they need met. You should be open to meeting their needs as much as they are open to meeting yours.
- The two of you should work together to come up with ways to meet both of your needs, especially if your needs are different.
- You may not understand your partner’s needs, but you should respect them. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you, it makes sense to them.
3
Compromise and negotiate to meet each other’s wants. You may find yourself demanding something you want and not thinking about what your partner needs. If this is the case, you both should negotiate and compromise to come to an agreement you are both comfortable with.
- You may need your partner to be more social and outgoing, but they may be a shy, introverted person. You might compromise by going to parties with smaller crowds.
4
Keep the lines of communication open. As you and your partner work towards fulfilling each other's wants and needs, be open to communicating with each other. You should continue talking about your wants and needs.
- Make sure you let your partner know when they fulfill your wants and needs. Appreciation and acknowledgement can help strengthen your relationship and make your partner feel good about themselves.
5
Evaluate your progress. Every so often, you and your partner should sit down to evaluate the progress of your relationship. Take the time to discuss if both of you feel that your needs and wants are being met. If there are additional things you'd like to discuss at this time, let your partner know.
- During these talks, let your partner know what’s working. Don't just make these progress talks about negative things.
- It is really important to give your partner positive reinforcement and let them know what they are doing right. Show your appreciation to your partner.

Expert Q&A
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Question

What are my needs in a relationship?

Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.

Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Needs are just the things that you absolutely require in a relationship. Think about them like normal needs in your daily life. So, everybody needs shelter, food, water, and clothing. What is the emotional version of that for you? Those are your needs.